Possible Cause

I am having trouble sleeping, woke up way too early. I don't feel well, having the prostate problem again.

I just read that chronic prostatitis (which is what I have) may likely be caused by tension. Well, yeah, this started when I worked at wm. A never ending pain in the center of my pelvic area that subsides to a tolerable pain most of the time and, like now, intensifies into a burning ache that cannot be described in simple terms.

I have to pee often, 3 times in the last 2 hours and it isn't like my bladder was full. Still, had to go, it was what made me get up way too early.

I have noticed some kinds of underwear make it hurt more than normal. I will stick to my MeUndies and C-IN2 briefs because they don't hurt me.

I have come to hate my male parts. I feel a constant need, which is natural, but I have no female friend like that. I don't have a female friend in person at all.

That could be why I feel so bad.

The tension is caused by my anxiety disorder. I cannot avoid it. I wish someone would show me how to relax the tension.

Really, think what? I hurt, no thinking involved.

Not Sick... Yet

I just came back from the diabetes doctor. I do not have it but I have some disturbing deficiencies and my BMI is a little too high, not much but I shouldn't have a high BMI.

There is a naked picture of me on my nudie blog but you will have to e~mail me for permission to see it.

I will change my diet, take the necessary vitamins and get health insurance so I can pay for the treatment plan to restore my health.

I don't feel so well at the moment. I'll write more later.

Morning Storm

It has been a long time since a big storm has hit the rural wasteland. Common here in storms are power failures, things getting blown around, and of course, bone soaking rain that comes down like a bucket being poured.

I was asleep until my radio broadcasted an emergency message from Channel 9 out of Waco.

I don't like storms. I have bad memories of them, huddling scared in the dark as the power went out and the very atmosphere rages outside.

I am not a fraidy cat. Do you remember the Jarrell Tornado? I saw it go by live on tv long before it hit Jarrell. I knew a girl from there who gave a graphic account of the death of a friend, who was wrapped around a tree like an overstretched doll. That girl was a fellow anthropology interested person like me.

It is sad, my gf, Jen, loves thunder and lightning. It gives her an orgasmic thrill. How strange is that? Every year, peope lose their homes and very lives in storms. Can't help from thinking of the dead people floating in the water in New Orleans in the days after Katrina.

During Katrina, the rural wasteland enjoyed beautiful weather as the monster hurricane had sucked all the moisture out of our local air. You always want to be on the west side of a low pressure system, or its most extreme form, a hurricane.

I do not know what this storm has done. Hopefully, it saved its worst for the cesspit. I will find out shortly on my daily joruney there.

Like Arthelius says: "We are at the mercy of elemental forces."

You think?

Tormential

I don't know why but bad things keep happening. now my new pc monitor has failed. I am yet again using this laptop I do not like that much. WTF bother? I spent $70 I could not afford to get a new power supply for my pc. It works now but doesn't mean f*ck-all if it doesn't have a monitor.

I can't access my stories, or play Spore, or any of the other things not in the laptop. Its feeble memory would not hold all of them.

I should not curse it, it is how I can go on the web and do other things, like the porn I watch on my computers. I have several DVD's usually starring Asian girls or Chloe Jones, who is disturbing to me because she is dead now.

I watch it only to make the m-thing easier. The point of the m-thing is to get done ASAP. I am usually very tired at night when I do it.

What else is this? I am being whored around different departments of the wm I work in, doing things not in my job description. I spent many months and did some dumb things to learn the GC, why am I usually pulled from it when nobody else is?

My celexa-clone is not working right. I am feeling anxiety again when I shouldn't and its dark side is emerging, the suicidal risk of SSRI's.

Lack of sex is hurting me more than ever. I am growing to believe that waiting for Jen is a terrible mistake. I might be waiting until the next ice age.

I don't know how I do it. There is a mucus party in my chest, throat and nose. It won't go away.

My dry skin is killing me.

Grrrrr! Why couldn't I trade places with Arthelius? At least he gets respect if only because he can kick ass with the Force. I can do nothing of the kind. Why does this happen?

I did not start this blog to complain. However, it evolved into that way and I can only apologize. Stupid, me.

Errr.... Same Old...

I returned to the GC today, and darned if it did not change. I can't find anything and have additional live plant duties. I don't know fuck all about repotting plants, thank you.


It'll calm down. It always does on the weekend.

I oughta mention that Dr. L prescribed me cardura, which is making me feel like a zombie hit by a train. I notice that my pelvic pain is lessened although the m-thing I did about an hour ago may undo that. It seems that when my prostate is actually used, it hurts more.

I have a vacation coming up in a few weeks. a blessed time to be sure.

I feel that increased understanding is helping my relationship with my gf. Of course, I love her. My dear one, Jen.

Angry

I don't get truly angry much at all. My Celexa-clone keeps things cool. I really stopped being pissed off all the time when I was a teenager, because it left me with a stomach ulcer. When I get sick, which is often enough, I get the kind of sick that just does its best to annoy and hurt. Take this latest bout with prostatitis. I went to the doc yesterday and got yet another antibiotic. Bactrim. It seems to be working as I don't hurt as much down there today but mind that I did not pee much today.

What really inceses me is the situation about a hat I ordered. I so desparately need one to protect my head when working outside. It was sent on 23rd May. As of this writing, it has not come in. Mind that it was sent as Priority Mail. Grrrrrrrr!!!!!! I am so angry at this total breakdown of things that should work right. I complained about the Post Office in my hometown because I suspect that my hat is in there and they have not delivered it.

I don't know why things like this happen to me. It can't be karma. I am a good boy. Nevermind that, really. Boys like me are rare.

I just don't know. I don't see Jen on these two days. That always hurts, you know.

Soooo Tired

I busted my tail today and didn't get one complement.

I have to find a new job. I will go insane if I do not. Enough said.

I am sooooo tired. I don't know why. The meds or the constipation IU have because of the antibiotic, or because my system is breaking down. I do have chest pains sometimes and my head gets light. That ain't a good thing. This boy is no longer the solid boy he once was.

Terrible, really. I mean, people in general. There is too freaking many of us. The world was never meant to hold this many humans and it will take a great equalizer, like an asteroid imapct or pandemic flu or something like that to even things out. If I am caught up in it, oh well. My life means nothing anyway.

I have Social Phobia. It is managed by the Celexa-clone (properly citalopram hydrobromide), but but even it cannot stem the tide of discomfort I feel when stressed. I am not stressed on days off because I am free to avoid it. Not so at that cesspit.

I wish people would respect that. Hurting mentally is worse than physically hurting sometimes.

All that aside, I am fulfilling a long held goal soon. I will dye my hair a lovely shade of purple. Why? Why not? I think it looks cool. Purple to me doesn't mean a damn thing other than a compromise between my favorite color (blue) and my least favorite color (red).

I guess I need to go to sleep now. See you kids later.