Another

My mom is in the hospital again. Unlike before, this is an existential thing.

I must say I have never been too far from her. She needs the help but also my mental stability. 

I never had a life of my own. I don't have a female love nor children. I don't really contribute to the Greater Good. 

So I have recurrent suicidal thinking. I won't do it yet. I have to believe my mom will get better.

I don't have stability. I try to do my normal things and it causes a lot of emotional pain  because my mom is not there. 

It is unseemly for a guy to cry. Fuck that patriarchal bs. I do cry. It hurts a lot. 

I know she will be gone one day. I do not know if I will survive that. 

I am here. I am not going to hurt myself but the feeling is there. I don't want to cause anyone pain like I feel. A lot of people know me but do not know this.

Then this war in Israel bothers me. That and water scarcity like we had when rthe single water feed pipe for the whole town ruptured. It's fixed but no one trusts the water. Then the lake is drying up because it's been so dry. You can count on one hand how many times it has rained here since the beginning of the year. 

That's going to continue. Humanity cannot be changed. So the Earth will change to wipe us out. Just think of next summer when it's 130 degrees outside. 

No other species deserves extinction more.