Move Stress

I have moved back to my hometown. There is much still to be done. I no longer have to deal with the bugs biting me or the 90ish degree temperatures in there. 

However, I lived out there for 15 years. Wrote much about it in this blog in the past. It is hard emotionally and terribly. My stress has been terrible. 

This has made my male pain a lot worse. Stress is what aggravates it. I am prone to urinary accidents after I pee. My body relaxes from the pee reflex and some urine ?did not come out whe I was going. This drip can  be a few drops or more commonly, enough to wet myself.


I cannot stand for my genital skin to be in a soiled fabric no more than a baby can. To react, I change my underwear and go wash my parts with Dial. 

Will this get worse as I get older? Will I wet myself and be in a place where I can't change? 

In the old place, I could go without underwear or pants but now I live in an apartment building and that is unacceptable. 

I am not particularly affected by my own nudity. It is nothing to get upset over. 

I have these prostate-parts-urinary problems that keep getting worse. I am afraid I must go to the doctor again and have more embarrassing exams.

Possible Cause

I am having trouble sleeping, woke up way too early. I don't feel well, having the prostate problem again.

I just read that chronic prostatitis (which is what I have) may likely be caused by tension. Well, yeah, this started when I worked at wm. A never ending pain in the center of my pelvic area that subsides to a tolerable pain most of the time and, like now, intensifies into a burning ache that cannot be described in simple terms.

I have to pee often, 3 times in the last 2 hours and it isn't like my bladder was full. Still, had to go, it was what made me get up way too early.

I have noticed some kinds of underwear make it hurt more than normal. I will stick to my MeUndies and C-IN2 briefs because they don't hurt me.

I have come to hate my male parts. I feel a constant need, which is natural, but I have no female friend like that. I don't have a female friend in person at all.

That could be why I feel so bad.

The tension is caused by my anxiety disorder. I cannot avoid it. I wish someone would show me how to relax the tension.

Really, think what? I hurt, no thinking involved.

Male Pain

I have been hurting a lot today. I had a urinary issue when I woke up and gosh, talk about hurt, it was intense.

What is the cause here? Caffeine? Too much water? The m-thing?

No, it is either the urinary trouble or the m-thing. Not to mention having to go #2, that pressure literally presses on my stress-damaged prostate gland.

I can talk about this because it is a daily pain for me, just was particularly bad today.

My parts remain functional but mind says not today because I am hurting so.

The pain will subside if it behaves like normal.

This is a male-specific pain. I know it would pale in comparison to a menstrual cramp or something else female-specific but think, I am not supposed to hurt here, not at my age.

I hate peeing, yes, but it is necessary. I cannot hold it, to be honest and I gotta go. I don't always feel it when it is time, only when I get up and walk around which I do more often than not.

I would post a picture of these parts but this ain't that kind of blog.

Really, think what?

I think I hurt, no, it's more like knowing.

Sugar Alternative (Possibly)

I have an issue with the sugar death. I am not going to lose an unwanted 12 pounds and slim my body if I don't lay off the sugar.

I like Red Diamond Sweet Tea. It is an acquired taste but it is all right after a year of drinking it. I saw a sugar-free kind in the walmart and decided to try it. It is sweetened with Splenda. I know nothing of Splenda but have heard of it for a long time.

It tastes (to me) like the regular sweet tea.

So I will try using Splenda in my sugar needs in the future but have soda on hand for blood sugar purposes.

I drink tea most of the time. I don't drink so much because peeing is painful for me and I always have overflow the more I do it.

Liquid goes through me like sieve. I can drink a glass of tea and have to pee like 10 minutes later.

Maybe Splenda will spare my teeth further problems and let me lose this belly I have. Of course, exercising would help but it would likely hurt because I have been inactive so long. Walking to the store a few weeks ago taught me that.

I can't go to the store that often because of gas concerns and the panic I feel when I do. I live 3 miles from a Dollar General, 8 and 10 from a walmart in either direction.

I would post a body picture but I told you, no nudity in this blog. If it wasn't a TOS or propriety issue, I would. I'm not shy like that.

Where I Hurt

In this picture is male anatomy. Forgive me but it is here to show where I hurt.

Notice where the prostate gland is.


In this picture, it is very clear as to why pooing is so painful for me. It is right by the rectum. I have read in many places, stimulating a male's prostate gland is sexually pleasing.

Not so for me. My prostate is a clarion bell of pain, it radiates out from there.

The blue area in the picture is where I hurt when I pee, warm acid feeling and I guess sphincter pain. It feels like it resisted opening sometimes. That's not good, is it?

I remember when Dr. H performed a 'prostate massage' in 2009. He squished it with considerable force, causing me to have an extremely embarrassing reaction. Made a mess, actually.

He said that this must be done every once and a while. However, the urology clinic won't help me with medicare. (What good is it, then?)

My male parts function normally otherwise. I could have a sexual encounter if anxiety did not prevent it. Anxiety can kill excitement like a switch. This happened in my last sexual experience in mid-action. That was so embarrassing, I could feel the beet red blush on my face. I never could do it again with her (Malee).

I have only had 3 girlfriends in my life. One was when I was 24 and Jen.... with whom I had no physical relation. Malee was not my friend, she was a sex friend. I cannot justify having one of those again. It gets too complicated.

I would like my parts removed. All of it but they are not likely to do that without a medical need. I need them if I am to ever have a child.

I saw on CNN today about an old corrupt elderly politician running for Congress. He has a 25 year old 'wife' and a 1-year-old son by him.

This is why I cannot rule it out. I am only 38. I just can't with anxiety.

Arthelius the Ghost, who has no male parts that are tangible, said, 'Not having the constant need is like 'purity'.'

I guess I will not achieve 'purity'.

Better?

I finally went and no dia-icky. No, instead, I must have lost 5 pounds. Yet again, my body lets it build up and ....

This REALLY hurt my prostate, I could feel it being crushed as I tensed in that reflex. Prostatic fluid was present, just like when Dr. H squished on it, the so-called 'prostatic massage'. I would rather step on a nail barefooted.

I shouldn't talk about digestive issues, I mean, it was funny but it went on too long. I don't like to poo but it is part of life for anything with a digestive system.

It has been too hot. My headphones (Skullcandy Hesh 2) have been sticking to my sweaty head. I have not been listening to my music and that irritates my soul.

Ants and mosquitoes too. You know how I hate cold weather but it would be welcome now to curb these fucking insects. My pasty skin marred by red bite marks from ants. Pick a part on me and I have been stung there. Yes, even there.

I am looking at a Nokia Windows phone. I mean I hate Windows 8 a lot but I learned to use it. Those freaking tiles...

Just so you know, it is a Go Phone. I have used Go Phone for many years now. It works better for me.

Icky Again

This is getting old. I am trying to find the cause and it might be whole milk which I used to make a skillet meal. I am lactose intolerant. I get icky effects if I drink whole milk, which is contrary to my early life.

I use 2% milk and it doesn't bother me. However, last time, they brought in whole milk. Got no choice when recipes call for it. I am sick of not having money in the last two weeks of the month. I could fix this.

Dia-icky hit me at 830 last night and I had to GO. it was like entrails liquefying, hot feeling and icky, so icky.

I had an accident but I cleaned my underwear right away and they should be okay.

It was not a pair I am particularly fond of anyway.

I don't know if this amuses you or not. I thought it was amusing but this is the second day of this and maybe something's wrong.

I know it is dia-icky when this pressure builds and presses on my prostate, HURTS, it does. I don't need that pain to intensify.

If I am getting sick, I don't know what to do. I still don't know how to use Medicare. Besides, going to the doctor for dia-icky is almost as embarrassing as a prostate exam.

It's been so hot, sweaty, losing body hydration. Dia-icky makes it worse. I have been so darn thirsty.

I will let you know if this persists because after 3 days, I will have to go to the doctor.

Are you shy when you go the doctor? I am not. Too many times when embarrassing things happened.

Gynecomastia?

I have written before what that doctor told me about my Low T. I feel some effects of it, like lack of energy but if it was true, my peena would be affected and it is not. It could be related to my prostate trouble but I don't know. I am not a doctor.

I think it's not happening but I look down in the shower and rub soap on my chest and something is there. It doesn't feel like a girl's bosom, even Jen let me touch hers.

I don't know if it is happening but if it does, how would that change my life? I am already too shy. I had a panic attack just going to get ice a few moments ago.

Maybe it is not happening. This could be just a feature of maleness. It is something I hate as you know.

I am posting a picture of my chest to show if this is happening. Compare it to the last time I talked about this.

Comment

I would never make fun of someone with a mental disorder. I have a big one of my own.

But I don't understand an eating disorder. See, in the months before I got SSI, I starved, I was so skinny, like in high school, though I have more of a muscle tone now. I got so freaking hungry. All I had was saltine crackers and the occasional egg noodles and that awful canned spaghetti sauce. Ew. You get used to it after a while.

But now, I am at 164, the sugar death I have mentioned before. It keeps going on and on. I HAVE to do something. I have to get back into some kind of shape. I mean, I have some cool underwear but the belly sort of ruins it, you know?

Hungry. Typically, I eat only once a day. I have gotten used to that so anything outside of that is seen as a 'bonus'.

I do not believe I am getting the vitamins I need. That diabetes test I had taken revealed a dangerous low amount of Vitamin D. Have I done anything about it? No. Because I keep forgetting.

Will it take a heart attack to remind me? I just don't know.

I am not hungry now. I see to it that I am not. I do not want to seem that is okay because it is not. I still eat only once a day.

So I don't know. This 10 or so days until June, this time in any month is rough. Until my benefit comes again.

Anxiety makes me forget. I don't like going to the store. Panic always happens. It has been like years since I have been to a book store, a movie, or went somewhere to eat.

Agoraphobia is the toughest part of my anxiety disorder. It won't let anything happen.

Sugar Death

I have an extremely strong sweet tooth. I don't like bitter things. I like ice tea with sugar in it. I don't drink so many sodas as I used to, something in cola hurts my prostate gland just as the urologists said it would.

This sugar consumption.... maybe why I have a belly. Would it bother you if I took a picture of me just in my underwear so you could see it?

I am self-conscious about my belly. It is why I am going to try to suppress my anxiety (Extremely hard to do) to join a gym.

If there was substitute to sugar that didn't cause dia-icky, and aspartame does that to me, I would use it.

I have been feeling bad physically. I do not sleep well. I am not as strong as I used to be.

My teeth, oh man, this sugar need is killing my teeth.

I went to a diabetes screening late last year, mentioned frequently in this blog back then. The result is that I do not have type 2 diabetes but I am terribly at risk for it.

I weigh around 158 lbs. and I am 5 feet, 5 inches tall. My BMI is a little high.

My life is a sedentary one. I write stories and listen to music most of the time. My anxiety disorder and agoraphobia makes it VERY difficult to even go outside. Sunlight causes a panic reaction. Is that even okay? No, it's not.

I have been having anxiety insomnia, which is not a new thing for me. I had it bad when I was younger, especially during thunderstorms, which I hate.

This sugar consumption ... I mean, I believe in Causality and this consumption will have effects. 

I admit to that it is getting harder to get an erection but that may have to do with anxiety and pain. As a male, I am visually oriented and gosh, the recent issue of PH.... Female doesn't always mean beauty, you know what I mean?

Sugar. Got to have it.

Gynecomastia Fears

I worry that with my low T level, like the diabetes doc said, that I could develop female features. I mean by that, the lack of hair growth, mammary development, the peena shutting down.

I have none of these. Yet. If you are curious and I do have a resistance to doing this, I will post a picture of my chest and you can see that I am not developing it yet but when I look down, I see what? Pectoral muscles or fat? I have no fat in places, I am a naturally thin person.

My BMI is a little high. I mean, yours is likely to be as well. I can lose weight, I lost 7 lbs over the last week alone, not eating right.

I am sick of writing about my personal problems but I can't talk about them in person, so I write them here.

Here is the picture of my chest, judge for yourself if I am developing gynecomastia. (Yes, I shaved it recently)

Chest

I'd post a picture of my chest but my skin is rather ghostly pale.

When I went to the diabetes doctor to find out that I do not have that awful illness yet, he found in my blood test critically low T levels.

He said if this is not addressed, I could develop gynecomastia. Err. Some symptoms of low T, Id welcome. Not shaving so often. This is not the case. My facial hair grows at a stable rate like it always has. So does the body hair I hate so.

I do not think my chest is getting bigger. I seem to have been the same for a long time. I mean. You can see my ribs.

About the chest. In a female, I find smaller breasts more attractive. She is cuter and smaller usually. Is neoteny an attractive force? I don't know. I suppose if I actually went to college, I would know things like that.

Do any females read my blog? What do you think of me?

I can post pictures as I take them to verify if I have shaved well. The so-called Shave Check. If you really want to see a ghostly pale white guy.

I don't think I will ever be better anxiety wise but I can start exercising. I will do this.

New Year

What does New Year Day mean to you?

It doesn't mean a thing to me. Most days don't. But why should a date on a calendar be a holiday? I have never understood this.

I will probably be hungry then, it is near the day of the month I get paid, which always seems to happen. This must stop!

I don't eat well when there is something to eat. Processed foods, fast food, I like pasta a lot. Others here do not.

I don't know what really will happen if food is more expensive because of congressional inaction. I can't afford it as it is. Going to get groceries always costs $200 no matter what we buy. It has been true for the last four months.

My cholesterol and other levels are okay but I only eat once a day. I don't know how this affects my health.

I have some pasta, sauce, chicken bullion. I can make something, you know.

I should be okay. I get bad anxiety ruffling thinking about going hungry. I never have in my life. Why start now?

Not Sick... Yet

I just came back from the diabetes doctor. I do not have it but I have some disturbing deficiencies and my BMI is a little too high, not much but I shouldn't have a high BMI.

There is a naked picture of me on my nudie blog but you will have to e~mail me for permission to see it.

I will change my diet, take the necessary vitamins and get health insurance so I can pay for the treatment plan to restore my health.

I don't feel so well at the moment. I'll write more later.

Taking out the Garbage

I have to take out the garbage occasionally. I hate it so. It is usually heavy and I have to walk over 100 yards down a hill to get to the dumpster.

I am a sedentary person. I don't exercise like I should, though I suspect the diabetes doctor I will see next Wednesday will tell me to do so or else suffer worse.

Using muscles I don't ordinarily use anymore, I become tired and sore. I must become more active.

I shouldn't weigh 158 lbs. But I do.

When I was taking the garbage out, I had my mp3 player on. 'Metal Gods' by Judas Priest played. YES! Excellent song for what I was doing. Just because I like electronica music best does not mean I don't like the metal from when I was a kid or even some new metal.

Do you have an occasional ordeal like this? Do you listen to music when you do? I mean, a lot of people don't live over 100+ yards from the trash receptacle.

I suspect when I am older, I will be on my own finally and won't generate so much garbage. Since I order stuff instead of going to the store because of my anxiety disorder, boxes tend to build up. I hate that. I dealt with enough cardboard in my years as a grocery stocker.

Arthelius the Ghost is back from his trip to the Great Attractor. He says, 'Gravity is a bitch.'

No kidding, dude.

Changing Diet

I have thought about it for several years now. it started when I worked at walmart.

I know red meat is bad for us humans. Lions and such thrive on it, good for them.

I would become semi-vegetarian if I could. I won't give up chicken. My diet is largely vegetarian anyway. I like granola bars and chips and a certain kind of pizza, vegetable soup and salad.

But as long as I live with my family, not my own family, I have no wife or children, but my parents, I cannot change my diet. They have to have red meat in every meal.

Red meat. I wiped out my ss in one day, Nov 1st, the first was the $193 grocery bill, $70 to $100 of it red meat. $16 for a fucking roast. I hate roast. Why do I do this? I don't want to cause a conflict. I respect those whom I love.

One day, I will cut red meat from my diet. I can get by on chicken, occasionally fish. Never did have fish all that often when I was younger. Just wasn't bought or whatever.


Since I cook the most now, I should be able to control what I cook. I hate cooking meat. I prefer to bake things. Shake and Bake chicken breast is great.
I can also bake it with Italian spices and tomatoes to make a different thing.

I put canned chicken in my pasta. I don't like dark meat chicken and am careful to choose wisely.

I want to try pita again. I did when I worked at wm. Now that I have an income again, I can do things like that. Funny, my ss benefit is about $12 more than what I made at wm in a month. But then, I don't have a health insurance deduction and that is going to eat on me when I get Silver level BCBS in January.

If I don't change my diet, I will need health insurance for the damage red meat is doing to my body.

I don't know if the diet I have is hurting my prostate, something is. I have to go back to urology eventually.

Oh, sugar. My sweet tooth will be the end of me, I just know it.

Personal Concern

This post concerns my genitals, so you may not want to read it.


I have talked about the m-thing before. I do it usually every 2 days because it hurts my prostate. However, as Dr. H said, I have to do it to clear the prostate or else I get a bacterial infection and those are never good.

So, starting about two weeks ago, as I was excited, I noticed a swollen blood vessel, nerve or some other tube like thing that hurts to touch on the left side and underside of my peena. This worries me, considering the previous post.

Some might say doing the m-thing caused it. But if that was the case, why is it happening now? I have done the m-thing since I was a teenager.

If I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't have to do the m-thing. Just saying.

This swollen nerve like thing in my peena inhibits erections. I can but it fades quickly as this thing hurts.
I'm sorry if this is tmi but this is my blog. I will go to the doctor on Friday assuming this thing doesn't go away. I have to know what it is. I told you before, I don't like to be conscious of my peena and I am because this thing hurts. Stings if I lay on it like I am face down in bed, which I don't sleep like that. I am a side sleeper.

Add to that the ever present pain in my prostate and the whole pelvic region hurts. I suppose it is nothing new, if you read the early parts of this blog.

Skin Cancer Risk?

My DNA report says this....                   

Squamous cell carcinoma

 

Journal	Cancer Res
Study Size
Replications	None
Contrary Studies	None
Applicable Ethnicities	European
Marker	rs12203592

In this study, researchers compared 537 individuals with squamous cell carcinoma (SCC) to 1504 healthy controls, all of European descent. The researchers found that each copy of a T at rs12203592 within the IRF4 gene was associated with about 1.7 times higher odds of SCC.

Who	Genotype	What It Means
Gregory Thompson	TT	Substantially higher odds of developing SCC.

Genetically

I sent off for a DNA test in late August. I finally got the results.

Oh, gosh, it said I have blue eyes. Yes, I do.

It said I am of nearly 100% Northern European descent. Yes, again, my ancestors were primarily Scottish.

It said I have 2.7% Neanderthal DNA. That makes me wonder from who it came from, a horny human male poking a poor Neanderthal female or a human female captured by a Neanderthal clan. Either seems likely.

Neanderthals lived from about 130k years ago to at least 27k years ago. They were not exactly like us, some differences. Still human enough to recognize.


Why they vanished is a troubling mystery. It should have been us who vanished. Wouldn't have the troubles we do now.

Arguing over health care, a basic human right. What the fuck? What is the real motive here? It could be greed, protecting interests, the fact that some racist bastards in the congress do not like President Obama. It could be simple ignorance or apathy.

Stupid, it's just stupid.

The test said I am not at risk for most diseases but arthritis.... that was no surprise.

I will study the DNA report some more and if you have a question, do comment, please.

Vegetarian?

I have wondered about becoming vegetarian for several years now. I have not become so because sometimes, I don't have control of what I eat, it is either eat or go hungry, you know?

The more I learn, about farming, about chickens and cows, I mean, I only have pork once in a great while and it is not something I would choose for myself.

I like chicken best. I like honey enhanced turkey breast lunch meat. I like some fish, I like beef sometimes. I am not saying it is okay to support companies who have bitter indifference to harming animals.

It doesn't make sense to damage the product before customers buy it. Because I worked in a store all those years, I seem to have a strong aversion to damaging the product. I feel bad when something breaks, not only because we have to clean it up, but it is a financial loss for the company, who pass that along to customers.

But, understand a fact, I am a student of Human Evolution. I know a lot about it, though it is only through my own research.

A fact about human evolution. Humans are omnivores. Human beings developed the brains we have because of increased protein consumption. This happened over the course of millions of years, likely because as hunter-gatherers, our distant ancestors ate whatever they could catch.

Now, that our distant ancestors were apes, that is not technically true. They were Hominids, creatures that have not existed in a million years. I do not know why people can't accept that.

Do you really believe that Human is the be-all end-all of evolutionary potential? Why do we have difference? Why is there cancer? Why does something as lowly as bacteria utterly devastate a human life? That girl in Georgia, yes, but she will make it.

Mariana Bridi di Costa did not. Look her up, she died a couple of years ago from bacterial sepsis.

The point here is that even if we are of evolved hominid origin, it does not relinquish us from consuming protein in the best place to find it, meat.

I personally cannot justify harming my own health by becoming vegetarian and I won't give up eating chicken. I don't particularly care for beef anymore.

I am told that I have only liked whole milk ever since I was a baby. I like it now but it's so expensive.

Are you going to say that we shouldn't drink milk? We are mammals. The very being of mammal, milk-bearing. Girls make it. Treated transgendered females can make it.

Going hungry as I do some days as there is nothing I can eat here, I can't eat some things, not unless I want a stomach ache or the big C-(onstipation), which is doubly painful on my prostatitis stricken body.

I am old enough to decide what I eat but circumstance just doesn't let that happen.

I am going to ask for disability for my agoraphobia. Treatment can be too expensive to pursue. I have to sell my car just to see the doctor. Wtf? That's what healthcare as it is does to us.

When I do have the ability to buy my own food again, I will have a vegetable heavy diet, but always with a meat course. I am an omnivore.

If you want to succeed in Spore, make your creature an omnivore, see the advantage in action.