Sad Again

I have some kind of oscillating depression. I feel okay some days but there are those days when I think of suicide and dying. I try to avoid those days. I mean the last one I had, I went outside naked, I did the m-thing, I am driven to do things like that.

No, I cannot do the m-thing outside. Anxiety clamps down and ha, things don't work.

I can come back inside and yes, though it depends on how badly I am hurting. I cannot do the m-thing when it hurts bad.

Yes, I admit to doing the m-thing, self pleasure, because I have no girlfriend or friend with that benefit. Even if I did, sex hurts my prostate, though I believe that is a positional thing based on my experience with Malee. Female can't lay there like a gel doll. She's got to move, participate.

As I get older, it seems unlikely that I can do it at all. My peeny does not hurt, the pain is inside, and unless you know a lot about male anatomy, I can't explain exactly where it is. It feels like a raging blaze right behind my scrotal area. It is constant, never changes unless it intensifies which it does occasionally.

When I have a panic attack, my muscles lock up squeeze on an already damaged prostate gland. that freaking hurts. I mean HURT in capital letters. Other stuff happens in a panic attack, sweating, shaking, feeling terrified. Can't breathe. It happens when I drive. It happens when I go somewhere. It happens when I get yelled at. It happens when someone unfamiliar comes here.

I AVOID. I don't like panic attacks, not at all. I would rather break my own arm than willingly go through one. So to AVOID, I stay inside, I don't go anywhere and even if I did, I would be poor company to keep, being reticent and shy.

Anxiety Disorder has warped my life. I don't think I will ever get better. I can't afford treatment and to get treatment, I have to go to Georgetown, which is some way from here. That is not unfamiliar territory, I used to work in Georgetown. Back before I developed full Social Anxiety Disorder. The Agoraphobia is a side effect, a fear driven not by people but panic attacks. I hate panic attacks.

What is this doing to my heart? Sometimes I have chest pains. This may not be heart-related but it hurts.

If I develop prostate cancer, heart disease, or there is a chance that I could develop lung cancer, how will I ever get treatment? I would die because I can't go outside and seek help.

A fine thing, that.

You may not worry about such things but I do. I am scared, I admit it.

I need help now.