Lab Rat

I signed up for a Low T (testosterone) study. 

Some years ago, I went to Austin for a prediabetes exam. I did not have it but they discovered a rather low T level. 

I know some things about me have become apparent. No, it's not my ever-worse anxiety disorder or hypertension. It's my ability to do some things.

It's not nice to talk about some things but they are male things. I am not different from other males. It is just I am mentally sick and that is the difference.

I go on thursday to see if I can be part of this study. If so,  may have an improvement. If not, well. I'm usually superfluous as a human being. This may be no different. 

I will share my  experience with this. 

Maybe by then my mom will be out of the hospital. But the fear is ever-more there.  

Eye Exam

You might have noticed that I wear glasses. I have since I was 12. I have highly moderate myopia, blurrily blind without them. Sometimes it was worse. Like after the comprehensive eye examination I had yesterday. I could not bear to look at a white screen for hours after that.

Dilation is used to look for glaucoma and cataracts. I have a slight cataract but as an overnight person, it won't get too bad for me.

Everybody gets a cataract so take care of your eyes.

My vision is stable, changed only a pale fraction in a good way. I will get new glasses soon.

The dilation is caused by a stinging and cold feeling eye drop used by the eye doctor. I am posting a picture of my 'bad' left eye.

This is what it did to my eyes...

The Expense of Sight

You may notice that I wear eyeglasses. I have since I was 12, being myopic. Every couple of years, I've needed new glasses as my vision has gotten worse. I generally pick my glasses based on my last pair, since I don't want to change my appearance that much. I don't like big obtrusive, dark rimmed glasses. I wanted rimless but my prescription makes the lenses too warped for that. Not that my lenses are thick, they would be in the old days but with polycarbonate plastic, they are slim.

Those lenses. The most expensive part of my glasses.

An example from when I went to the eye doctor today.

$60 for the lenses.
$120 for the High-Index plastic they are made of.
$149 for Crizal Alize UV, which is an antiglare coating.

$129 for the frame.

I know it could be cheaper but cheap is not a good idea in something so vital.

$373.60 was the total cost but that was with a 20% discount. I mean, that would have been over $500 and that is frighteningly expensive for glasses.

It is always an expensive undertaking, getting new glasses. I don't do this often like I should. My last eye exam before yesterday was in 2010.

The optometrist said my vision has improved slightly. I can't see how. I am blind without my glasses, always will be. She put some drops in my eyes to dilate them and man, I could barely see, still can't clearly. I hope whatever study she did to them mattered. My eyes are blue but at the worst of it, you couldn't see my irises at all, just solid black.

She also told me to get a new pillow because allergens build up in old ones. My pillow was getting old anyway, I got it when I worked at wm, and that ended over three years ago. I did get a new pillow. I also got a bigger pc screen, as maybe I can see that better.

It seems like an expense foisted on people with awful vision like me. Be glad that you don't wear glasses.

Oh? Contacts.... forget it. I don't like poking myself in the eye and I look funny without my glasses. It's part of my self-image.

The optometrist also said that I have astigmatism and slight glaucoma. That's just great.

When I drove to the eye clinic today, it was through an intense rainstorm and that really ruffled my anxiety feathers. They took my blood pressure and it was up, sorta way up, as I get that when I panic.

Should have took my medicine but that has issues I do not want to deal with.

Be glad that you don't have glasses if you don't need them. It is an expense, a vital one.

Something Ew...

I am unable to understand anal sex. I am revolted by the thought of putting my most sensitive organ in a girl's backside. This is reinforced by the DRE's I have been receiving.

Now I know it is necessary as a diagnostic tool because the angry prostate is literally next door to the rectum. Then I get two today. I don't mind Dr. L. He does not hurt me. But Dr. H. OMG. I get not only a more forceful DRE, I get a prostate massage, which some urologists have written is not as good thing as once thought.

I have had a sexual reaction before, when in therapy for the Kegel exercise. The Kegel exercise works the muscle that ejects the seminal fluid from the body. The therapist told me so. And gosh, I did have the same fluid drip like today when Dr. H poked my prostate three times in a none too gentle way.

I did not ask for that. I can come on my own, thank you.

I feel terrible. I still hurt and now I have to leave work early to have an MRI. I get off at 8 pm every day.

I will not even try to do the m-thing for a few days. I feel distinctly unsexual, a rare thing in my life.

The water heater thermostat failure that occurred on tuesday makes that for certain. Ever take a cold shower? It isn't fun.

My feelings oscillate. Yes, I am still looking at Aug. 19th as the last day of my life. I don't know if I can make it even until then.

I sure don't feel like Arthelius now, who had crossed the great divide some time ago.

He would say, 'Isn't fun being spectral, even if I did it with Spectral Madonna.'

How typical, as in life. Too bad I'm not that way. I'd be more of a man than I am.

I do need mental help. I may use BCBS's own resources to find one. 'Have to', says Dr. H. 'Obama will render us unable to help people'.

I don't believe that. It cannot be the way of government to so infringe on basics of life. It violates the Constitution. If we were so split on stupid ideals, perhaps none of this would have happened.

Ideals, look at the idiots who voted against Judge Sotomayor. Why did they vote 'nay'? No party or ideal speaks for me, why for them?

Intensification

Readers of my blogs know, I have a recurring and painful yet mysterious urinary condition. It intensified two days ago and last night, I went to the ER. Gosh, it is getting worse and they have no idea what is causing it. I had another DRE. You want to know what it feels like? Get some KY jelly and exam gloves. Put the gloves on, smear them with the KY and then stick your index finger in your anal area, all the way in to its knuckle. It hurts and is demeaning. I don't understand how people who do anal sex get pleasure from it.

I have not been updating my blog as I should have. I am sorry. I have been hurting and trying to get by walking around, being outside, and sitting on a more comfortable seat than this modified task chair I have had since 2001.

Cheap wm crap. Oh, I am writing this because I aborted my trip to work. I was almost to CC when the pain got too bad. I pulled to the side of the road and used my cell phone to call in. I may catch hell for that but they can kma. My a. Ass. I love it. It is a very attractive part of me. I am not ashamed to say that. Everyone must admire some part of them. I like my eyes, my face, my peeny and my butt.

This does not mean I am anything other than hetero. Jen likes my butt, too. There is a physical attraction between us, of course.

I am forced to wear shorts (ew!) because the waistline of pants make the pain much worse. I have gained some weight from increased soda consumption and easier work. I thought my job was a waste of time a year ago, but in the GC, it is even more prevalent.

I fear Dr. E will do something surgical to find the culprit of this painful urinary problem. I have never had surgery and I do not EVEN want to think about lasers or cutting instruments anywhere near my genitals.

If this is TMI, get over it. You are afraid of talking about things like this? You are denying the knowledge of human anatomy and how best to be healthy. Knowing more always is a benefit.

If I ever find a website that allows it, I will post a pic of the affected area. One cannot tell from the outside other than a little testicular swelling. I am not ashamed of myself.

Blaming religion for inhibition is wrong. Inhibition is a personal choice. Overcoming an inhibition is easier than one might think. Just try it.

Not Good

I hear rumors and hearsay at work about management watching associates on the security cameras and busting them. One of them was apparently my girlfriend.

Those sorry bastards. They have been nothing but cruel to her. She is the essence of sweetness and I cannot understand why anyone would treat her like that. I cannot contact her, likely because she is very upset and does not want to talk. I understand that completely. She'll calm down. Jen isn't the type to let them beat her down.

Oh, about the CT scan? It was the worst single thing I have been through in recent memory. The contrast fluid was nasty, then the first time I had an IV, it was an experience I did not mind. It did not hurt like I thought it would. What was injected was different as it gave me a wet feeling in my lower parts and seemed to provoke my prostatitis pain as it has been worse than before.

I am extremely worried. I mean, I saw the CT scan and it might reveal more than just prostate problems. I'm sure Dr. E will allay such worry.

I am worried about my dear one. If she loses her job, it may have a profound effect on her like that time I was terminated from HEB. I couldn't believe it. I still don't nine years after the fact.

I will take Jen out for a special date. She deserves love and attention. If she doesn't work at wm anymore, then maybe we will have more time together and bring our relationship closer to what it should be. She has been my girlfriend for more than a year you know.

wm has taken my faith in the future. It has caused stress that developed my Anxiety Disorder into an unmanageable crushing weight. I think my prostatitis was caused by stress. Stress every day. I need to leave and they won't let me.

I just don't know how I can go on. Jen needs me and I will be there for her. That is all that I need to help me have faith. I love my girlfriend.

Nasty!!!

That barium sulfide solution I am forced by circumstances to drink tastes like spoiled vanilla yogurt. Ewwwww!!!!! It is so hard to drink and I shudder even now a full thirty minutes after fini9shing the first bottle.

This CT ordeal is just beginning. I am so eating at Sonic tomorrow. A chicken toaster sandwich, the ONLY way to alleviate hunger in a truly satisfying way.

I have to frink at least half of the other bottle in the morning. Double ewww! Then the other half in the radiology dept. I will let them know how that was.

The IV thing scares me. I hope it is quick like drawing blood. I'm told it will be an intensely uncomfortable sensation. As if this solution wasn't. I will moon them and show them my peeny just to anger and upset them. Hey, it is what is being scanned you know.

If this is for nothing, I will be very upset. Possibly suicidally so.

I actually want to wear a hospital gown and nothing else. I mean, there isn't any sense in hiding any thing and I need a way to eliminate my anxiety driven inhibition to be able to go through things like this.

I am mentally ill in only the anxiety disorder and its claws are in everything I do. Particularly when at the doctor any more.

I lost my pastiness on my arms, neck and head, but retain it everwhere else. What sort of mixed color is that? I sooo need to go back to a nocturnal schedule. Aint happening as long as my car is disabled and dead.

Grrrr... a new battery. Only the third one Ive gotten for it in 9 years.

Anxiety and CT

Last wednesday, I went to Dr E as appointed and he told me that nothing he could do further can alleviate this elusive and intense pain that comes when I am not dehydrated, such as I have been critically for the last few days. He ordered a CT scan for me that will cover my middle and pelvic areas. I am most worried about the lower urinary tract and the bladder areas.

A troubling new sensation or lack thereof is bothersome to my anxiety. When the m-thing reaches the climax stage, the feeling is numbed or even muted. It is usually very intense thanks to the Celexa-clone.

Ay ya, a ghost shouldn't feel this way. I am scared of this scan and what it may find. If it is nothing, I will be genuinely shocked. Something is wrong in there.

The CT scan is in the hospital I was born in on tuesday morning. I will not be allowed to eat/drink/consume anything but the barium suspention fluid. I mean, I have like two liter-sized bottles of it to drink. I hope it doesn't taste nasty.

I will wear a green shirt and green underwear, blue jean shorts and maybe white or black socks depending on if I wear my white Asics or black New Balance shoes. If I am asked to get naked, oh well. I don't care about that anymore.

My job is making me very upset. I get so hot, people keep coming, coworkers always need something. Then some of them yelling at me. The next time it happens, I will show them why I am Dark Jedi Gregory aka Arthelius the Ghost.

I am drinking like a liter of Evian in the hope that I will re-hydrate my water starved body. I have not had enough in three days and there are two more to go in what the NWS is forecasting 100 degree days.

Nausea is common these days. I am not sure about eating when I feel this way. Lucky I am close to bedtime now. I bet I will wake up with a major provocation of the pain that stymies Dr E.

Why can't things just calm down? F-ing holidays. Paganism. That's all it is. An excuse to buy and sell something. Come to the wm, bother the overworked and underpaid associates with inane and frankly stupid questions. How can any of us keep our sanity?

I will post more on this personal anxiety provoking situation later. I must go to sleep, the only peace I get anymore.

Worry, Again

I go to the doctor tomorrow. I'm sure that it will be a little confrontational. I want more analysis done. I want total understanding. It is not unreasonable. I mean, it's my prostate gland. The cancer thereof is invariably fatal. I am far too young for that but it doesn't mean that my protate won't betray me in the end.

Did the m-thing cause this? What about holding it in too long? Stupid pee. I do it quite often when properly hydrated. It hurts to go now and so I deny myself the water I need to a dangerous point at work and at home, it can be worse since I pee more here than anywhere at any time.

Who gives a rat's naked tail about pee? I mean we all do it.

I'm sure Dr. E will just blow this off as a malcontented patient. I am not a malcontent. I'm just worried about a case of prostatitis that has been ongoing for 4 months, seen 3 doc visits, one ER visit, and 3 different antibiotics. I refuse to believe that sticking a finger in my ass tells the whole story here. I will demand other diagnostic measures.

I remain Arthelius the Ghost. The Force is with me.

More Worry

I had the ultrasound done today. It was a surreal experience. I can still feel it on my scrotal area. The nurse who did it was terse and quiet. I watched her and she kept cycling through images on that ultrasound machine, as if she had found something.

But she was no radiologist and it will take one to analyze those images. Then they will be submitted to Dr. E. I will call him on Thursday to see what's going on. My testicle does still hurt if ANY pressure is put on it. The right one by comparison is unfeeling.

I hate the fact that I have to work 6 days this week. Such are the conditions of things, I guess.

I am unexplainably sleepy and have been all right.

I did discover a good thing today. Arctic Chill flavor of Dentyne Ice was great. I will get more.

It never ceases to trouble me, the things that can happen.

Ay ya in the ER

I went to the hospital I was born in to see to this infection. My scrotum/left testicle are swollen in addition to the prostate pain.

The ER doctor was congenial and cool. I did not feel threatened by him at all, not like my normal doc. Why go to the ER? It's a weekend and it was at 10 pm. Genius. No thanks to wm. Uncaring bastards. Let's see them eat the 4-day relief from work courtesy of the cool doc.

What he did, ha ha. So I'm half naked, wearing only my shirt. He had a look at my genitals, then my scrotal area and actually squeezed both testicles. That is how I know the left one is swollen. That felt extremely uncomfortable whereas the right one was fine. I never had a test like that. I kinda thought it was fun.

That's weird, I know. At least someone paid attention to what is ordinarily a good piece of equipment.

It hurts awfully, especially when I pee. The meds he gave me, he said, will turn said pee funny colors and not to be alarmed by that. I'm not. I think it will be cool.

Oh, and Arthelius does have a peeny. He just hides it under a spectral robe.

Gosh, all I got is Hanes. I'm envious, lol.

The ER in my hometown was kinda dead. Just like my hometown at night. I miss that place.

Right. This ghost needs to eat something. See ya'll later.