Severe Fear

 Let me preface this by saying I have never left my mother. I am very close to her. I have always been. I do anything for her and I promised my dad I would take care of her. 

She got sick. She has pneumonia. Now on a ventilator. We are not allowed to go see her so I cannot know for a fact.

I talked to her on the phone yesterday. She sounded weak. 

This is a fear I have had for a long time. I have lost sleep at nights for the anxiety I have. 

The conditions of my life, the small benefit I get. I could not live on my own. I am scared of this extreme emotional pain. I might hang myself if I could manage it. 

I have always been too emotional. I believe I have a female soul. Does pain endanger it?

I could manage my dad passing away. He had a stroke. It was expected for 17 years. 

My family is going away. I will only have my sister left. My cousins. 

I am having a hard time writing this. I am scared. I have anxiety, I don't know how she is. 

If something happens to her, I do not know if I can manage it. 

I am 44 years old. I should be stronger than this but I am not. 

I will update this more often. 

Severe Grief

My dad's funeral was today. I made it most of the way through before breaking down during the prayer. When it was over, I went to the casket and said 'Goodbye, Daddy', and just broke down. I don't know why I am hurting so bad.

My dad was paralyzed, had a stroke that made him that way 17 years ago. It was only a matter of time before it happened again.

It did in his sleep on the morning of Feb 3rd.

I don't know what really happened. He had blood pressure issues and felt bad the night before. No sign he would leave us in the night or morning. I am positive he did not intend to go.

Now that he is gone, a constant in my life gone. I  wont get the verbal abuse anymore, that won't be missed but the wit, the experiences, the jokes, memories, everything he was.

You can't know the pain this causes me. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I mean, come on, it's my father, not a child or wife, neither I have.

I can't think of him, I will cry.

I am 39 years old, a boy shouldn't cry. My cousin and my sister's friend both told me it was all right to. It is a sense of loss I was not prepared for but who is, really? I do not know if I will heal from this.

I have decided that it is time to close this blog. I can't be amused or light-hearted enough to write a memorable post.

I will leave this up for a while.

Grief

I was hopeful that my 39th year would be better. I mean, when we get past this accursed winter.

My father died on Tuesday morning. He was 59.

The grief is far stronger than I expected. See, I have expected this for the last 17 years, from when he had a debilitating stroke that paralyzed him. He lived with extreme pain ever since.

I do not know exactly what happened to him. I don't want to think it is his aneurysms, his original problem, but more than likely, that is the case.

This is a damaging blow to my family. The pain of loss is too intense, probably always will be.

I will shave tomorrow, lessen my resemblance to him as much as I can as not to cause my Aunts any pain because I look like him enough. It hurts me looking in a mirror.

Arthelius the Ghost has no offerings about death. He merely stands in sympathetic repose.

Any love you have would be appreciated in this difficult time.