Uncomfortable

I have dreams about and am thinking of death. This bothers me a lot. I mean, we all die. Many I know say that when someone dies, 'it was their time to go'.

I don't believe this because it violates Causality. Death has a cause, illness, injury, age, whatever. I do not know how I will die and frankly, I don't want to. I don't want to suffer.

Now that is sort of depressing. I mean, I could live to be 80. Given my family history, more than likely, I will not. I am already developing arthritis and I have read more than one news story about panic disorder causing heart disease. I have panic disorder.

I went to the wm in my hometown, a small one, and gosh, it was like avoidance. I hurried and kinda walked fast. I try hard not to panic if it can be avoided. I worry about my heart, have for a long time.

I have lost 7 lbs since January. That is good? Consider that I weigh 151 lbs now. Any lower and I would be underweight for my size. It could be muscle loss because I am not using them.

I would like to go to the Cove Gym to get back into some sort of shape but aside from no money to pay for it, I fear my agoraphobia would snap, especially considering that I am self-conscious at how pasty white my skin is.

I will try not to think of death. I certainly don't write about it.

When I was driving home, the cd player played 'Beauty #2' by Ladytron. Where is my Beauty #2?

Love helps, I know this for a fact.