Severe Fear

 Let me preface this by saying I have never left my mother. I am very close to her. I have always been. I do anything for her and I promised my dad I would take care of her. 

She got sick. She has pneumonia. Now on a ventilator. We are not allowed to go see her so I cannot know for a fact.

I talked to her on the phone yesterday. She sounded weak. 

This is a fear I have had for a long time. I have lost sleep at nights for the anxiety I have. 

The conditions of my life, the small benefit I get. I could not live on my own. I am scared of this extreme emotional pain. I might hang myself if I could manage it. 

I have always been too emotional. I believe I have a female soul. Does pain endanger it?

I could manage my dad passing away. He had a stroke. It was expected for 17 years. 

My family is going away. I will only have my sister left. My cousins. 

I am having a hard time writing this. I am scared. I have anxiety, I don't know how she is. 

If something happens to her, I do not know if I can manage it. 

I am 44 years old. I should be stronger than this but I am not. 

I will update this more often.