Anxiety

If you read this blog with any regularity, you know that I have severe anxiety disorder. It was diagnosed in 07. I developed agoraphobia in the time since because I spend most of my time inside and don't go anywhere.

I have written a lot about how it affects me. I mean, the stress it causes damaged my prostate gland. A pain I will live with for the rest of my life.

I cannot 'not' feel anxiety and stress, it is a basic part of my brain or soul.
I have always been over-sensitive, even when I was a kid. I can't take a joke and lack the basic sense of humor many other people have. I do find some things funny but usually, it isn't openly shown.

I don't know what happened. I used to be able to go do things. I know I don't have to rely on the internet to buy new shoes but going to the shoe store is panic bait.

Panic bait, a new female friend until I know her well, is panic bait. What is panic bait? It is something I know that will cause a panic reflex in me, like driving on a congested road. Going to the doctor is panic bait. Seeing people who have hurt me like Jen is severe panic bait. I don't go outside because sunlight is panic bait. It burns. It is like a blanket covering everything.

I have pasty white skin. I don't tan well and I burn easy. I get more freckles which isn't necessarily a good thing.

I cannot sleep because of anxiety. What causes it? Noises, unavoidable since I sleep in the daytime. The temperature, in winter, it is easier to sleep unless it is really cold. Given what I wear when I sleep, it makes sense, I mean, sweat pants? There is a reason.

I cannot sleep if my radio is off. It has been part of my life since I was a small child. If it is off because of a power failure or the radio station goes down, I cannot sleep.

I cannot sleep if I am having a panic attack. The feel of my own heartbeat can cause a panic attack.

I call this anxiety insomnia and I am having it now. I don't feel so well.

Anxiety disorder will kill me one day. It is not treated, I mean, I don't have health insurance, I have Medicare. You can't get the right help with Medicare.

I think of hurting myself sometimes to make it stop. I don't because injuries are panic bait. Hurting is panic bait. I had a pain in my left side. That caused panic but it has subsided.

Insect bites, fucking mosquitoes, especially, really grind on my anxiety.

I just suffer with this. My cousin says I need to go get help. As mentioned above, one cannot get the right help with Medicare.

Medicare is for old people. Why do I have it? I am only 38. I have it because my anxiety disorder disables me. I can't go to the dentist, which I desperately need to do. I can't talk to people I don't know. I cannot even go see my friends.

My 20th HS reunion is next month. I will go but there will be panic, you can bet on that with certainty.

I write about these things because that is what is wrong. You may care or you may not. The disease of apathy is strong in many humans.