Why I Have Food Insecurity

I have had recurring food insecurity for several months now. Why does this keep happening?

Literally, half my benefit goes to rent. My SS benefit is 1026, rent is 500. Like not enough to do anything.

Then last year I inherited my mom's car which wasn't paid for yet and they asked me if I wanted to keep it. I said no, I can't afford it. And so I have not a car since. I have to walk with a torn labrum in my right hip. 

Then maybe it doesn't matter but I am 49 soon. I should live better than this but I can't as long as this keeps happening. 

What is the alternative, ending my life? I still have stories to write and I do have a GF such as she is.

I guess I will starve. My sister cant help me until next Thursday, so that means three or four days with nothing to eat because I couldnt afford it. And I do not eat expensive things. 

I pray for colon cancer to end this. I always thought when my mom was gone, Id be too. Im still here. Why?

Yes, I am Hurting

My right hip has arthritis. It hurts more when it is cold. 

This insignificant to my anxiety and grief pain.

I do not want to end my life. I have many stories yet to write. I have the promise of Sala. But it is too hard and may take a long time. 

A long time I may not have. Anyone feels anxiety about money. Normally being broke does not bother me but this time it is different. I have no help from my sister.

I am afraid of applying for food help. What does that mean if I cannot take care of myself because my SS benefit is too small?

I adjusted to a cheaper insurance plan with more benefits but it doesn't take effect for two months. 

I am hurting intensely mentally. I do not know how I can deal with this. No one wants to help. What's the point in asking?

Maybe I am unwanted. No one likes me that way. Sala? She shows indifference sometimes. 

Instead, she can come to my grave. 

I cannot deal with living like this. The tv bill wasn't paid so I will lose it sometime later in the month. There is not a cheaper plan. I looked. What's the point? Nothing appeals to me anymore. 

I cannot watch movies because I get anxiety and upset. Even ones I know like Rambo. 

The cold causes cedar to pollinate. It wasn't cold enough yet but winter hasn't begun yet. We are barely into the Autumn. 

I will not hurt myself yet but I cannot promise it won't happen. Hurting like this is tough.  

An Admission

 Two years ago, my mom was in the hospital for bacterial pneumonia. She recovered. But was in the hospital for 42 days. 

In that time, the hope she would return helped me. 

Then she got sick with the same thing. I do not know the cause. I am not sick. I had a light case of pneumonia as a teenager after working in the rain. I know how tough it is. But it didn't cause death. With treatment, it doesn't always cause death. 

Instead my mom had congestive heart failure after they over-hydrated her. I do not know all the details but my sister does. She will have to handle this. I cannot.

I am falling apart mentally. I have anxiety all the time despite my medication. 

I have moments of extreme grief.

In January of 2015, my dad told me to always take care of her. 

I failed. My mom got sick and she's gone.

This hurts so much. 

I thought two years ago I would not be able to take it if my mom was gone. I was right. 

I always thought I would go when she did. Like Robert E Howard did when his mom died.

But I can't. I have Sala. I have my classmate Dwayne. Why cause them the feeling I have?

I will always have stories to write. I will always have my music. 

But they are not helping. Spore isn't helping. Nothing is. 

I don't know what I will do. I am facing bills that will take all my benefit to pay. What way is this to live?

 I don't want help. Well, not financially. I will need help with my mom's things.  

This pain will never go. Even if me and Sala have our own family. It depends on too much drama. But it has to be done. 

My mom told me that I would be okay. How? She knew I am mentally fucked up. 

I can't live by myself. My anxiety disorder will kill me. 

Not too soon. 

New Angel

 My mom has passed away. Someone who has been there all my life. Now she is gone and her rest is deserved after all the pain she had been through, physically and emotionally. My dad was gone and her best friend was gone and then her back had many problems. 

She would not want me to break down. She would say it is okay but it's not.

I knew this was a potential. I knew she had been sick. 

Now it's just me and my sister and we have a rocky relationship. 

I do not know what I will do. The suicidal thoughts will return when the shock fades. 

I do not know if I can deal with her service. 

I will be here. I have to do laundry but not hers. Not anymore. I could break down. 

I need help. I cannot deal with this. I can barely write. She is with my dad again. 

She earned her angel's halo. 

Canceled

The survey exam was canceled. Another instance of being unneeded. 

Why does this keep happening? Things don't happen for whatever reason. I shouldn't have bothered to begin with.

I am getting worse the longer my mom is in the hospital. I know nothing. My sister handles all that and she is not exactly helpful. 

I don't know which makes it much worse. 

I will be here. It's not like I am needed anywhere. 

Something That Really Bothers Me

You may or may not know that astronomy is my first and deepest love. I know a lot about it and it is my primary interest.

That being said, an ordinary space rock would not be such a concern unless it was heading to collide with the earth, which is not liable in my lifetime. 

The fact that scientists cannot identify this object, A/2017 U1 bothers me a lot but that is just being careful. 

What bothers me is the path this alleged space rock is taking, exactly the path you'd use to check out a planet from afar. Could it be something else? Could it be a probe of some kind? Why would it take this path if it was a random space rock from another star system, which may have been traveling for billions of years??

Why do they not know what it is with a certainty? This is ruffling my anxiety feathers something fierce.

See for yourself in this NASA animation.

Worry Pain

I am too sensitive. I have always been. I have ever-more debilitating anxiety disorder and am on disability for it. This is shameful but understand that I cannot just 'go out'. Enough has been written here about that over the years so I won't go back over that. 

I am a guy who hates stepping on snails. There are many around here for whatever reason and snails are not insects or arthropods. They are cephalopods and they deserve respect, some insects do not. 

I am afraid of scorpions, I always have been after being stung as a small child. That memory is still vivid 35 years later. 

I worry a lot. Last Friday, my sister 'borrowed' $123 from me to pay her truck insurance. I have 3 venlafaxine left and that money was to pay for my refill. So now I face withdrawal from a powerful anxiety medication and the return of the feelings I cannot deal with. 

This is ever worse because of something I call doofus Trump. I am very worried about him and what he might do like fuck with Social Security, which is my livelihood. 

Also, I have a gay friend. What happens when no one serves him because it is acceptable in doofus Trump America to discriminate against people of 'unacceptable' sexual orientations? 

The same applies to people of color. They are no less human than anyone else just because they don't look like you. All humans are 99% genetically identical. 

I don't like Islam but those refugees are people. Will it be okay to victimize them more than they have been already?

People who have come to the US from Latin America are not always from Mexico. They escape conditions that may arise here in the US because of doofus Trump. 

America is hopelessly divided. I am on the blue side. I do not feel shame that I am politically liberal or that I support the Democratic Party. I always will. My central belief is helping people, why I have always worked in a store. 

I am afraid doofus Trump will trigger a nuclear war. I have been afraid of a nuclear war since I was a child. I started to listen to the radio all the time then, something that continues to this day and ever after. 

I am afraid he will pull the US out of NATO and get cozy with that monster Putin. Russia was never our friend, I believe that. The security of the West, Europe, the US depends on a strong alliance that has persisted for many years and should always exist.

Angering the Chinese with trade tariffs and economic cuts will drive up prices here, in the US, where things are already getting more expensive. What if they draw a line and doofus Trump goes over it? Would they attack the US?

I worry about all of this. I worry that this situation parallels the ascension of Hitler in the early 1930s. Is doofus Trump really that racist? Seems so. 

I agree with the protestors. I agree that this is bad for America. I agree that misogyny is unacceptable. I will stand up for women as if for no one else. 

What do you know of doofus Trump? For years, he has manipulated his way to success, not caring who he stepped on. He talks like an idiot, more interested in insulting people and inciting violence than talking about policy.

The man is a real estate mogul. He calls himself an expert of business when much of his wealth is inherited. He has hurt people.

Why did Ivana leave him? His misogyny or something more? I could find out but I do not want to look up doofus Trump.  

Speaking of that, that woman, Melania. What of her? She isn't really an American and will be the first lady. It is a sad joke.  

10 years of an ineffectual congress. It didn't change. Now they will rubber stamp whatever ill conceived policy for doofus Trump, their 'ally' who isn't really a republican, you'd see if you paid attention to him in the past. 

They are protesting in Austin right now. If I had a car, I'd go down there and protest with them. 

I am afraid of this whole situation. The things I have discussed here.

I am afraid doofus Trump might lead me into hurting myself. I can't deal with some things. 

I am too sensitive, yes. I am a cat person, too. I am afraid of attention and maybe of women, too. I feel panic when one takes an interest in me. 

Panic sweat. Shaking. Tachycardia. I have high blood pressure now. Inherited from my father. Will my anxiety disorder kill me? Seems likely. 

I avoid salt as much as possible but it is not easy. I should exercise but when just going outside is hard, how? I am staying in an awful RV not far from where I had lived for 15 years. Some things haven't changed. 

I do not know what will happen. I hate that. I always think ahead and not being able to makes me worry. 

I have to wash outside with a water hose. The water is cold. I am naked in a semi-enclosed area open to the back, which faces a densely forested area. I am not shy about nudity but not when I am bathing. I take my glasses off and cannot see clearly. 

I believe I couldn't do this without venlafaxine. As mine dwindles away, I have 3 left, what happens when I run out? I am worried about that. 

I worry that we will have our freedoms curtailed. I hope the US Constitution restricts what doofus Trump can do. I believe he already violates a clause in it, the one about being fit for office. The highest office in the free world. 

How could Americans hate each other? Didn't we already go through this? But I understand the hate on the blue side. I feel it, too. 

I am worried, yes. My anxiety feeds into this, like gas on a fire. I am uncomfortable and stressed because of an election. 

I am worried about living through 4 years of doofus Trump. If that is wrong, sorry. You don't feel what I do. I don't believe you could tolerate it. 

If it is true, that nothing happens, then it'll be all right but I just cannot believe that. 

Unable to go to Class Reunion

Look at it this way. On a warm spring night 20 years ago at Badger Field, we received our diplomas. Mine was far from certain, I had a weak math score and graduation hinged on one test. I passed somehow and I got to go to the big dance.

If nothing, that experience taught me that perhaps I don't belong. I am intelligent in other things, astronomy, English, biology. I developed some of my interests after high school. I mean, I didn't know who Akhenaten was during high school. It is not like the school library had anything about that contentious time in Ancient Egypt. I worked in it at the circulation desk. I helped catalog most of the library as the computer system was new back then.

Computers. I did not have a personal computer until 2003. I had a WebTV before and was content with that until I learned the value of WordPerfect and writing on a pc.

I could have gotten one before then, but I did not like computers. I was afraid I wouldn't understand. But I learned. It was all good until Windows 8 came along but that debacle deserves another post.

Back to the subject here, that warm spring evening 20 years ago. I have not seen 99% of my classmates in person since that warm spring night.

I don't go outside. I have a hard time just going to the post office. Saturday is a bad day as it is in the middle of my laundry cycle and I wear WWE tees in this time, can't go to a societal function like that.

I have SOCIAL Anxiety Disorder. If I can't go see my friends since HS, especially those in K-town, how could I go see people who weren't my friends in school? My friends will not be there.

I do not have a medication as I stopped taking celexa some time ago. I could go see the doctor but that is also panic bait.

This class reunion is panic bait. I don't want panic. I feel bad enough dealing with the pain in my fingers and toes. I have been upset because of this anticipation.

I don't mean to upset anyone. I don't know. It is not intentional. If I was not mentally ill, I'd go in a second.

But that is now how things are.

There is also the admission cost. You have no way of knowing the trouble of last month, the running out of things. There is no reason I should run out of oj but I did for 11 days last month.

Add to this the fact that my debit card broke in half. It went through the wash and was destroyed. No telling when the bank will get off its collective posterior and send me a new one.

So, I have only what I have on hand. I will save it for oj when I run out, which is soon. I cannot maintain the future sugar death when things run out.

That, too, I have a bit of a belly. It is more apparent when I wear jeans, not so apparent when I naked. I tend to eat a lot when I have dinner so that can effect it. For most of the day, it is typical.

My belly does not belong on an otherwise slim body. I cannot go exercise to get rid of it. Anxiety says, 'nope'. I tried to go and couldn't.

I got some new music instead.

Nothing's really standing out, which upsets me some. Can't pick a winner all the time.

The location of the reunion. In a winery. Um, hello, I have written here on several occasions why I consider alcohol a wholly avoidable poison.

This winery is in an area I have not been in a very long time. That is panic bait, going somewhere unfamiliar.

Consider this, I had a metascale panic attack when I bought my laptop computer in a store I have been to 1000s of times last September.

What do you think would happen in a biz I ordinarily wouldn't patronize? I don't belong in places like that.

I don't go where I do not belong, that is panic bait.

I apologize to the organizer and the others. If you had been there 10 years ago when these problems manifested, then you probably could have helped. 

Goodness knows I needed it.

Something Mentioned Before

I am derided because I don't see myself as a 'man'. I am MALE, to me, it's a distinction.

To explain, 'man' is a societal thing but then if you study history, you see that it is replete with many male persons behaving rather badly, which is being a 'man'.

'Man' is expected to behave a certain way. He is supposed to provide. Really? What do you know of anthropology? Do you study ancient cultures? What you think as human behavior is a societal behavior.

'Man' is supposed to be social, to drink, carouse, behave in a boorish and stupid way. 'Man' is represented in things like football, I mean look at the commercials that play during it. NASCAR is like that too but driving a car is not a gender-specific activity.

I am male. I have a male body, male genitals and that is about it. I have a tortured mind, strangled soul. I am male in thought and feelings and attractions.

It is uncertainty to provide is why I never had any children. As I said before, I am on SSI. How could I provide for a child?

Listen to a feminist talk. What good is a male? From a DNA standpoint, it is not really a question that can be answered. Is the Y-chromosome a mutation? The thought is a terrible one, that male becomes useless, a relic of ancient biology.

I believe in equality. I do not think being male is all that great. I don't like other males because they make me uncomfortable. What is their motive? I think of all the males I have known in my life, it just doesn't make since why males are all that important.

It could be my own self-hate. My belief that I have a female soul. Or just mental illness.

I am not a 'man'. I am male.

A Question

I take pictures to see if I shaved well. This is called Shave Check. I shave my face every week, but my body every month or so. The last time was the first of January. If I posted these Shave Check pictures, would it bother you?

I plan to shave soon before it gets real cold again. My Bodygroom razor still retains a charge. That is, if you really want to see my peena.

Not Ignoring Ya

I haven't had much to talk about. I mean, my life is a sedentary one. I was thinking seriously about getting a tattoo but I am very uncertain now after hearing arguments about it.

I will make a decision by Feb.

I will post a shave check picture in the next few days, when I feel like shaving. I will be back with more opinions and such when I develop one.