No Female Companionship

I have been thinking about this for several days.

I do not have a female companion. I have had 2 girlfriends in my life but a girlfriend isn't a companion. Someone who stays with you.

How has this affected me?

I learned cooking skills I ordinarily used to never use.
I am particular about doing my own laundry.
My room is a tetradisaster mess. This is because of a mental thing related to my anxiety disorder.

I am lonely. I do not know what will happen when I am older and alone.

I do not have a love. I do not have children. I do not have the ability to go outside unless I have to.

I used to like going outside. I miss the sunlight on my pasty skin.

I have not been to places familiar to me in years.

If I had a female companion, maybe I would take her somewhere. Not that I have been to many places.

I am willing to try, to suppress anxiety if I am with someone. That does help.

I have never had a real serious girlfriend. I thought it was Jen but no matter how alike we were, there was one glaring difference. I am mentally sick, she was not.

I am willing to try having a real serious girlfriend. Why do you like me? Am I 'cute'? Appearance should not be the foundation for a relationship.

No. I have moments when I feel un-cute.

I don't know. I wish it was easier than it is.