Emotive

I am over sensitive. I have always been. When I was a kid, I could not take a joke. I still can't. I mean I was a kid in the 80's and that was before the internet and before this whole outfit.

I wish I could go back. I would make a different life choice if I could. I would lose my masculinity and become transgender. It is too late for that now.

It is not a question of being funny that way, I am not. It is just I hate maleness, other males, everything about it.

I believe I have a female soul, if gender can be ascribed to the immaterial part of one. I am over sensitive, I have anxiety disorder, I panic at the drop of a hat, I am agoraphobic, I don't go outside unless I have to.

The longer this goes on, the more set in it became. I am forever mentally sick like this. It can lead to suicide if it overwhelms but I don't let it.

I feel emotive too easy. Some movies I cannot watch, some songs I cannot listen to. Is this why I lost my girlfriend? I have a hard time forgetting if she appears in my dreams.

I wonder if she ever thinks of me. She has to. I mean, it was over 2 years.

I doubt that I will ever get that close to another female ever again. It hurts too much.

For you who read this, understand something. I share this because it is a window into my daily pain.

Id much rather post pictures of tropical storms.

Emotion

I have said before that I think I have a female soul. Then again, is a soul gender specific?  I am emotive, I have empathy and sensitivity, too much sensitivity. Stressed to the max, became Anxiety Disorder.

Who has Anxiety Disorder? Primarily females do. I am not female. How does this figure then? What part of me is female? None physically. My mind isn't female. It is something far deeper.

Why does emotion affect me so? It doesn't affect other guys like this? Why did Jen hurting me like that still hurts, four years after the fact? It forced my anxiety to recoil, pulling me back into my shell. I will likely never get out.

I can see pictures of loved ones who have gone and I cry. Why? Crying doesn't bring them back. It is emotion.

Why do I have empathy? I mean compared to my sister, she lacks certain traits like this. Did I inherit them all, being firstborn?

Like I said, I am not female. I am as male as any other guy. I just am more sensitive than a lot of them.

This over-sensitivity can have consequences as I get older.

People say 'grow up, suck it up' Whatever. You do not feel what I do. I am emotive. You couldn't deal with this feeling. A lifetime of this feeling and I can barely deal.

I'm sorry. I feel anxiety-distress right now. I will be okay later.