My Anxiety

I had to go to the store as I needed new nail clippers and I ran out of OJ, which Vitamin C does help prevent illness. I know this from my own experience. Or it is the fact that I never go anywhere to be exposed to illnesses. Bacterial infections are quite possible if one doesn't wash their hands often, a lesson I learned the hard way.

So, this is a walmart,  a familiar one, smaller than many in my hometown.

Been there a million times it seems. I went looking for nail clippers that aren't overtly feminine and looked foolish looking around. My heart began to race and I became super nervous.

Then I find them at last on an aisle that is in the cosmetic section. I must have passed six different females of my age or younger. I could not look at them. It isn't an aversion to females, it is attention, like searing sunlight. I cannot deal with that.

So, I walk faster. I don't feel well enough to be all that physical. I mean, I told you I am out of shape.

I must look like a total fool. I feel so bad, like a shield my anxiety puts up. I can't look people in the eye, I can't talk to them. I can't even speak.

Anxiety sweat. It was maybe 75 degrees. I am sweating because of anxiety. This has been the most obvious sign of my anxiety disorder other than my hands shaking, which they do most of the time anyway.

When I worked at the largest and most busy wm, certainly in Tx, my shirt would be soaked with anxiety sweat no matter what temperature it was. I did change clothes if it was bad.

But where do I sweat? Back, under arms, face, my abdomen. My underwear briefs can be perceptibly wet from anxiety sweat. I cannot use an antiperspirant. Anxiety sweat overpowers that. I use a deodorant and axe spray, so I don't offend. But I don't offend. Anxiety sweat doesn't smell bad.

It is a stress reaction. Body isn't too warm. It feels warm inside, especially from a panic attack, which I had while looking for nail clippers.

I did find them, only $1.76. I mean, my OJ cost twice that.

I am not well enough to interact with the public. This gets worse as time goes by. It is why I prefer to order things online.

I have a negative self-image. You know what I look like, you know I am not bad looking but my anxiety distorts my self-image. I feel smaller than I am. Ugly, childlike. I am 38 years old, childhood was a long time ago.

I am ashamed that this happens. I am mentally sick because of this. How did this happen?

I don't know. I just suffer with it.