Face

Readers of this blog probably know what I look like. You haven't known me, you don't know me. I am a ghost.

I have looked at my face for a long time, I mean, at least since I could perceive things for the first time some nearly four decades ago.

I believe my face is changing. I don't know what it is. I do not know if the threatened feminization as told by that diabetes doctor who said I had dangerously LOW T is happening.

What is about my face? That I wash it with Dove Sensitive? That I use Proactiv on my nose occasionally? I wear glasses because I am blind, on the scale of -5.25 diopters. Maybe I should have chosen better on my new glasses (I did ask for round lenses and was told my 'prescription makes that difficult). Really? What about those old people whose vision is way worse than mine? My lenses are made of high index Crizal lenses with alize anti-glare coating. This is polycarbonate plastic, easily molded into lots of things.

What do you think of my face. My lip scar, from a can hitting me in the mouth when I was taking down a canned vegetable display. That happened in my 21st year of life.

I mean, flesh is transient. My body will spend more time dead in the grand scheme of things, likely returning to the dust from which it came.

Do you think I am cute? Do you like my face? Do I seem masculine to you? I mean, I have a peena, I know I am a boy. Been that way since my 10th week of gestation, which was just about 39 years ago at this moment.

I said before, I will say it again, I do not like being male. I actually hate it but that is how it is and will always be.

My face...

Appeal

You may or may not know that I subscribe to PH (Penthouse). I have for several years actually. Occasionally, they come up with an absolutely beautiful female pictorial.

What makes a female beautiful? All of them have breasts and a kitty, which ranges from cute to hideous. That really is not her fault no more is it your fault that you have a hideous hydraulic appendage that pokes out from your body in an obvious way.

To me, beauty is in her eyes, her face. Delicate, gracile, a charm she naturally has. Note that not every girl is beautiful in this way. It is every once in a while when an exception appears.

This is the March 14 issue of PH, she is on the cover, runner up to the 'Pet of the Year'. I voted for her last year because she was beautiful then and is now.

I will not post a picture of her (copyright and all that) and really, what I consider beautiful may not be what you do.

That is not to say that I don't like her body. I like smaller, natural assets. A female with massive breasts can be grotesque. 

Hips are also a beautiful thing. Of course, that is the morphology of her pelvis.

I have seen my pelvis on a CT scan. It is like a large cup where a female's is like a bowl.

I am attracted to blonde females, I mean, Jen is blonde.

But girls are willful and cruel creatures and sometimes it doesn't work out.

It is okay to appreciate her appeal.

If I saw her in real life, oh gosh, have you ever seen the scene in Final Fantasy IX where Alexander closes his wings around the castle? My anxiety feathers would do the same thing. Avoidance.

Chest

I'd post a picture of my chest but my skin is rather ghostly pale.

When I went to the diabetes doctor to find out that I do not have that awful illness yet, he found in my blood test critically low T levels.

He said if this is not addressed, I could develop gynecomastia. Err. Some symptoms of low T, Id welcome. Not shaving so often. This is not the case. My facial hair grows at a stable rate like it always has. So does the body hair I hate so.

I do not think my chest is getting bigger. I seem to have been the same for a long time. I mean. You can see my ribs.

About the chest. In a female, I find smaller breasts more attractive. She is cuter and smaller usually. Is neoteny an attractive force? I don't know. I suppose if I actually went to college, I would know things like that.

Do any females read my blog? What do you think of me?

I can post pictures as I take them to verify if I have shaved well. The so-called Shave Check. If you really want to see a ghostly pale white guy.

I don't think I will ever be better anxiety wise but I can start exercising. I will do this.

Princess Kate

I know Catherine Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge as Princess Kate. I don't think she meets the standard for feminine beauty as say, Luba S does. 

However, she may be as sweet as a sugar kiss. I don't know, I am likely never going to meet her. In fact, outside of going to the store, I have not seen a beautiful female in a long time. There are plenty who are not. Every girl has a redeeming feature. No, it's not her sex, all of them can do that, it could be her wit, her intelligence, sense of humor, personality. 

Princess Kate has been refined, taught how to be a princess. She doesn't have the natural grace Princess Diana had but had to learn it. I wonder where William found her..

I hope she has her baby without incident. I hope it is a girl. Maybe they can call her Victoria. That would be funny. We could have then have a Victoria II. Isn't likely though.

Some British girls, I saw a film about a school in the UK in which one of the students was a killer. They can either be super cute or softly hideous. Some have a manner as course as the dirt road outside here. Others are as sweet and delightful as many here are. 

Speaking of a course manner, I know some girls as course as sand rubbed in  your skin. 

How can I speak of this? I  think of Jen, who does meet that standard of beauty, Has a wit, some intelligence, but a manner as course as busted glass. It is in the way she eats, how she speaks, what she says, her irascible nature. It was easy to tell her time of the month, which she calls a 'curse'. She is as frigid as intergalactic space. 

No, Princess Kate is not ugly. She seems funny, a normal girl taught to be a princess. I hope she will be okay and I'm sure she will be a good mother. 

What do I know? I don't have children nor a personal female interest in my life. Could that change? I really don't know. 

I know from writing about princesses, the life isn't easy. 

Hey, neither is living with anxiety disorder.

About the C

Ha ha, I admit to a porn addiction. This started near the beginning with my relationship with Jen, who is as frigid as a spring day on Pluto. I am particular to what I like and I won't share that but I will say my favorite 'actress' is Jana Cova.

Over the years, I always thought Playboy was the thing. I mean, it defines the men's magazine, likely the most read of them. However, over the last few years, I have got copies of it that do not show the C. Hardly anything in the pubic area.

What is the most beautiful part of a woman? To me, it is proportion. But I like all parts of them.

What is the C? Clitoris. The clitoris is a structure in the same place and from the same origin tissue as what develops into a penis in the male should it be a male fetus.

What is a vagina but a deep dark hole? I am reminded of my time with Malee, who reinforced that opinion. She wouldn't let me see, took my glasses. I can't see more than inches away clearly without them. Why be shy about your genitals?

We all have them. It doesn't matter how big, small, colored, pale, shaped, or asymmetric it is. This is true for both genders. I feel that Victorian-ism, which was Prince Albert's fault, actually, still stains civilization with prudishness and ignorance.

That is not to say that showing them off is proper in a public setting.

I admit that I wish I had been born a girl. I do not feel confusion about my gender but I have sensitivity, empathy, and shyness like a girl. I am not feminine in any way however.

Why is this? It could be the root cause of my anxiety disorder, an overly-sensitive personality. I have always been overly-sensitive.

I do not like other guys. I don't like to look at them and I don't like associating with them.
It can be that I relate poorly to other males, or there is an implied threat, or just because the lot are stupid smelly creatures.

I am not shy about my body, other than the belly I have, of which something can be done about. I am also cursed with androgenic hair in many places.

My prostatitis and the treatments for it has all but ruined any propriety, sensitivity, or inhibition I had.

Anyway, I subscribe to Penthouse, which does show the C and that is why I subscribe to it. I am not looking for sick porn but I am looking for beautiful examples of femininity.

Ha ha. Let's see you talk about such things.

Belief

I used to be so certain that homosexuality was wrong. I am a student of anthropology. I believe in evolution and you know, it can only be a male-female copulation to generate new life. Unless you are a starfish or a certain few species of frog, then it ain't happening.

But really. Are we so sure that some part of our brains is not wired to get love where you find it? I feel no attraction to other guys. I don't even like being in the same room with them. It has to do with my Anxiety Disorder mostly but I don't like guys.

I am not so sure now. What is the sum total of love? The only girl I ever really loved was Jen, and she is hardly gf material. My heart does not recognize that and I still am heartbroken well over a year after we broke up over a trivial issue.

What if love drew a guy to another guy? I'm positive there is some underlying attraction to other guys. Is some facet of our subconscious programmed or does it come naturally? I think effeminate behavior in a guy is more of a personality thing. His attraction to other guys can't be so shallow.

People like different things. I use as an example, yogurt. I HATE yogurt. It all tastes bad. Yet, I know more than 20 people that like it. I tried it. I am prone to bacterial infections, the rural wasteland, y'know..., and am no stranger to antibiotics. Yes, it constipates. Constipation hurts but it me, tension pressure in my colon presses on my prostate and that hurts even worse. Probiotic yogurt can restore beneficial bacteria required for healthy digestion. Surely you've seen an Activia commercial. I have tasted yogurts in flavors I like, chocolate, coconut, apple, etc... and they all have the same bitter unpleasant taste that originally think the spoon I was using to eat it was dirty.

Maybe it is my overpowering sweet tooth. I love sweet things. This isn't good for my teeth nor can it be for my health. I don't like bitter things.

Why is that? Some people hate sweet things.

Maybe it is an underlying thing, kinda like attraction. What attracts me? Beautiful eyes, intelligence, cute breasts, booty, etc... I am attracted to women. The attraction is natural.

I am uncertain that attraction is locked on the opposite gender now. I saw a guy on youtube, Davey Wavey, I think he is cute. The analytical part of my mind was aghast. Ewww! I have NO wallpapers on my pc with guys in it. I subscribe to Penthouse, I have 18 porn dvds, all but 2 of them lacking a lesby scene. I love a well filmed lesby scene. Ninn is a master of that.

Arthelius is a naughty ghost. He does it with Marraka. Ew. Wookie sex.

This guy and I would not get along, I'm sure. I am not physical that much. I write or read most of the time. I am also cringed by the fact that a guy thinks any 'package' is cute. I think a penis is one of the ugliest body parts humans have. I know. I own a fine example of one but it would be better if it was fully retractable. Just my opinion.

I have been the victim of every prostate test they have. I have had things stuck in my peeny, and most often in a place I DO NOT LIKE things in. I also couldn't imagine sticking my peeny in anything but a hostile acidic vaginal hole made for it. It feels natural with a female. I cannot say what it feels like doing the other thing. I never have given/received it.

I certainly don't know if I could do the fellatio thing. I like getting it, but who doesn't? I would not even consider letting a guy do it. It bothers me on a natural level.

I don't have many guy friends. I don't have any gay friends. I wouldn't mind getting to know one. I want to understand this behavior, and if we all have the option for it.

Funny thing coming from Arthelius, who once lightsabered a male who kissed him on the cheek.