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I would never make fun of someone with a mental disorder. I have a big one of my own.

But I don't understand an eating disorder. See, in the months before I got SSI, I starved, I was so skinny, like in high school, though I have more of a muscle tone now. I got so freaking hungry. All I had was saltine crackers and the occasional egg noodles and that awful canned spaghetti sauce. Ew. You get used to it after a while.

But now, I am at 164, the sugar death I have mentioned before. It keeps going on and on. I HAVE to do something. I have to get back into some kind of shape. I mean, I have some cool underwear but the belly sort of ruins it, you know?

Hungry. Typically, I eat only once a day. I have gotten used to that so anything outside of that is seen as a 'bonus'.

I do not believe I am getting the vitamins I need. That diabetes test I had taken revealed a dangerous low amount of Vitamin D. Have I done anything about it? No. Because I keep forgetting.

Will it take a heart attack to remind me? I just don't know.

I am not hungry now. I see to it that I am not. I do not want to seem that is okay because it is not. I still eat only once a day.

So I don't know. This 10 or so days until June, this time in any month is rough. Until my benefit comes again.

Anxiety makes me forget. I don't like going to the store. Panic always happens. It has been like years since I have been to a book store, a movie, or went somewhere to eat.

Agoraphobia is the toughest part of my anxiety disorder. It won't let anything happen.