Conundrum

I have a problem.


I am lonely, I have little human contact outside my immediate family. I mean, I am sick of seeing the same people all the time. 


However, I cannot go out and meet people or go see my friends. This has nothing to do with having no money or a car I can drive. Even if I did have money and a car to drive, my anxiety disorder would keep me here. I get nervous when around anyone. I get panicky just driving on the highway. That bites because I live by a highway and it the only way to get anywhere. 


My panic disorder causes me to drive fast if confronted with a panic inducing thing like another car too close or beside me. 


I invariably have a panic attack when I go somewhere. It comes unannounced, usually at an inconvenient moment. I get to where I can't breathe, my heart pounds, I sweat, even if it isn't hot (that was a problem when I worked at wm). 


I hope to meet new people, have new friends, possibly meet a new girlfriend but being unemployed and stricken with social anxiety, what girl would want me? It could be like Jen all over again and I haven't really gotten over her even if it has been over 2 years since I last saw her.


I don't know if I can deal with this double problem. I want to interact with others but I can't do so because of my social anxiety. 


I could say poor me and give up but that is a discredit to me as a human being.


I wish someone could help.

Sea Surface Temperature

Somehow, satellites can see the temperature of the sea. This is the most current image from NOAA of the Atlantic Ocean. 

As you can see, the water is quite warm, hurricanes like that.


It looks cool but doesn't reveal the El Nino, the Mid-Pacific one does and it is abnormally warm (a literal El Nino situation). 


El Nino inhibits Atlantic hurricane development. The most recent forecast discussion still talks about a layer of Saharan dust in the atmosphere which creates fair weather in the West Indies and the Caribbean Sea. The dust inhibits thunderstorm convection, can't form with dust in the way. This has been the case for over a month now. I do not know what is going on in west Africa to cause this but imagine the amount of dust from the Sahara Desert. 


It is good no hurricanes are able to form but that means no hurricane images to post. There exists a tropical wave at about 24.1 North in the mid-Atlantic, could develop as it moves west over the next 2 weeks. We shall see. 

Sombrero Galaxy

This is Messier 104, or the Sombrero Galaxy as seen through the Hubble Space Telescope. It is kinda far away at 28 million light-years. You can find it in the galaxy-strewn Virgo constellation.


It's funny how shapes in nature look like things. 

This is caused by the dust ring around the perphery of a what looks like a spiral galaxy.

I don't really know if things like this are by chance or some natural law creates symmetrical shapes. Galaxies are a good example of this. They come in all shapes and sizes. There are more than you can count in the Universe. 


What is the chance that in any of all those galaxies, that an earth-like planet exists? Even by the simple law of averages, that may be the case. I believe so. Whether there is life there or anything like us, I can't say.


Then again, if there is anything like us, do you really want to meet them?

Picture of Me

This is me, taken last night after my shower. I took this to show that I badly need a hair cut. I try to smile but I don't always feel like smiling. 


As I get older, I am becoming less cute. I don't like this at all.


I just thought that you might like to see what I look like. I'm not so bad looking. 

No Care for Guys

I am male as you probably have noticed. This has been apparent since before I was born. I was gestating 37 years ago in this moment.

However, the time after proved to be triply hard to deal with. 

1. I was the only male grandchild until I was 12. Expectation.

2. I have a voracious sex drive, managed with self-pleasure.

3. I have a condition that seems to affect females more. 

That condition is the debilitating effects of my Anxiety Disorder. I talk about agoraphobia a lot. That's tough enough on its on. What other effects has it caused?

It has stress damaged my prostate gland. It ALWAYS hurts me to pee, especially if I am properly hydrated, I have to pee at least 10 times a day. 

My heart, I worry about it. When I have a panic attack, it seems to go into overdrive and pound pound pound. Sometimes it seems to skip a beat. If it did, would I be dead? I worry about this as I get older. 

That's right, I am scared of getting older. When I don't shave, the facial hair I have is mostly gray now. My hair isn't but when will that happen? 

I have noticed in my life that if you have a problem and you are male, you don't seem to get as much attention. Males are supposed to be tough. I am not that tough, I mean, how weak is it when I cannot go outside?

I hate not being able to express my feelings. I cannot without seeming like I am whining. I don't whine. 

I hate competing with anyone. Why should everything be a competition? Maybe this is why I never played any sports other than tennis. 

I wonder if I could still play tennis. It has been a long time since I did. 

Then there is the matter of being lonely. I do not want a sex friend. Those come easy, I want a female companion. Someone at least a little like me. However, if they were anything like me, how would I meet them?

No, I don't like being a hairy beast. I shave my body hair yes. It always grows back so if an intimate companion liked that sort of thing, it could be easily reversed by not shaving. 

I don't like the fact that I can't wear purple without seeming to be funny that way. I am not funny that way, purple for me is the color of my emotional pain. I wear it when I am sad.

I am a guy, I am not supposed to have emotional pain.

Why have a penis if I don't use it for its intended purpose, yet cutting it off would cause fatal bleeding. No, I will keep it and maybe when I am older, yes,  cutely older, I would be lucky. I am unattached and have no children. 

I don't have expectations like that. Every day, I wake up feeling uncomfortable, checking to see if I can move. I flex my hands and feet. Then put on my glasses. I have moderate myopia. I cannot see without my glasses.  It is unwise to wear them when sleeping. They could get broken that way and that is a major disaster, the breaking of something vital like eyeglasses. 

I wish I could just alter like in the Culture stories of Iain M Banks. That is not possible now, but I hope not always. I can't be the only one who feels this way. 

Hurricane Fabio

This is Hurricane Fabio, churning away in the Pacific not far from North America. As like the now ragged remnants of Hurricane Emilia, it does not pose a threat to land. 


I like this picture, it is like a swirl painting but that's just clouds.

It is heading north and will pass into colder water, which will kill a hurricane. 

Hurricane Emilia

I haven't had any hurricanes to talk about. The Saharan dust and general ENSO-Neutral/El Nino climate affectations seem to be inhibiting Atlantic hurricane development.

This one is a beautiful hurricane we don't have to worry about. It is in the Pacific, far from land, heading west. It is not considered a threat.

As I write this, it is a Category 4 storm. If it should hit land, which it won't, it would be a horrible disaster. Luckily, it won't hit any land.

This picture is from the NOAA GOES-West satellite. There are a lot of wavelengths to choose from but I like this one that reveals a hurricane's deadly beauty.

The weather has always fascinated me. It always will.

Sad Again

I have some kind of oscillating depression. I feel okay some days but there are those days when I think of suicide and dying. I try to avoid those days. I mean the last one I had, I went outside naked, I did the m-thing, I am driven to do things like that.

No, I cannot do the m-thing outside. Anxiety clamps down and ha, things don't work.

I can come back inside and yes, though it depends on how badly I am hurting. I cannot do the m-thing when it hurts bad.

Yes, I admit to doing the m-thing, self pleasure, because I have no girlfriend or friend with that benefit. Even if I did, sex hurts my prostate, though I believe that is a positional thing based on my experience with Malee. Female can't lay there like a gel doll. She's got to move, participate.

As I get older, it seems unlikely that I can do it at all. My peeny does not hurt, the pain is inside, and unless you know a lot about male anatomy, I can't explain exactly where it is. It feels like a raging blaze right behind my scrotal area. It is constant, never changes unless it intensifies which it does occasionally.

When I have a panic attack, my muscles lock up squeeze on an already damaged prostate gland. that freaking hurts. I mean HURT in capital letters. Other stuff happens in a panic attack, sweating, shaking, feeling terrified. Can't breathe. It happens when I drive. It happens when I go somewhere. It happens when I get yelled at. It happens when someone unfamiliar comes here.

I AVOID. I don't like panic attacks, not at all. I would rather break my own arm than willingly go through one. So to AVOID, I stay inside, I don't go anywhere and even if I did, I would be poor company to keep, being reticent and shy.

Anxiety Disorder has warped my life. I don't think I will ever get better. I can't afford treatment and to get treatment, I have to go to Georgetown, which is some way from here. That is not unfamiliar territory, I used to work in Georgetown. Back before I developed full Social Anxiety Disorder. The Agoraphobia is a side effect, a fear driven not by people but panic attacks. I hate panic attacks.

What is this doing to my heart? Sometimes I have chest pains. This may not be heart-related but it hurts.

If I develop prostate cancer, heart disease, or there is a chance that I could develop lung cancer, how will I ever get treatment? I would die because I can't go outside and seek help.

A fine thing, that.

You may not worry about such things but I do. I am scared, I admit it.

I need help now.

Vegetarian?

I have wondered about becoming vegetarian for several years now. I have not become so because sometimes, I don't have control of what I eat, it is either eat or go hungry, you know?

The more I learn, about farming, about chickens and cows, I mean, I only have pork once in a great while and it is not something I would choose for myself.

I like chicken best. I like honey enhanced turkey breast lunch meat. I like some fish, I like beef sometimes. I am not saying it is okay to support companies who have bitter indifference to harming animals.

It doesn't make sense to damage the product before customers buy it. Because I worked in a store all those years, I seem to have a strong aversion to damaging the product. I feel bad when something breaks, not only because we have to clean it up, but it is a financial loss for the company, who pass that along to customers.

But, understand a fact, I am a student of Human Evolution. I know a lot about it, though it is only through my own research.

A fact about human evolution. Humans are omnivores. Human beings developed the brains we have because of increased protein consumption. This happened over the course of millions of years, likely because as hunter-gatherers, our distant ancestors ate whatever they could catch.

Now, that our distant ancestors were apes, that is not technically true. They were Hominids, creatures that have not existed in a million years. I do not know why people can't accept that.

Do you really believe that Human is the be-all end-all of evolutionary potential? Why do we have difference? Why is there cancer? Why does something as lowly as bacteria utterly devastate a human life? That girl in Georgia, yes, but she will make it.

Mariana Bridi di Costa did not. Look her up, she died a couple of years ago from bacterial sepsis.

The point here is that even if we are of evolved hominid origin, it does not relinquish us from consuming protein in the best place to find it, meat.

I personally cannot justify harming my own health by becoming vegetarian and I won't give up eating chicken. I don't particularly care for beef anymore.

I am told that I have only liked whole milk ever since I was a baby. I like it now but it's so expensive.

Are you going to say that we shouldn't drink milk? We are mammals. The very being of mammal, milk-bearing. Girls make it. Treated transgendered females can make it.

Going hungry as I do some days as there is nothing I can eat here, I can't eat some things, not unless I want a stomach ache or the big C-(onstipation), which is doubly painful on my prostatitis stricken body.

I am old enough to decide what I eat but circumstance just doesn't let that happen.

I am going to ask for disability for my agoraphobia. Treatment can be too expensive to pursue. I have to sell my car just to see the doctor. Wtf? That's what healthcare as it is does to us.

When I do have the ability to buy my own food again, I will have a vegetable heavy diet, but always with a meat course. I am an omnivore.

If you want to succeed in Spore, make your creature an omnivore, see the advantage in action.

Busy Lives, Mine is Not

Something I do not understand. Not having time to write an e~mail or a fb message. It takes usually no more than a few minutes.

Everyone is so busy all 24 hours of the day. It seems that they never have the time to do anything related to their own being, you know, like friendships.

My days are usually the same. I wake up, I turn on the pc and I write and listen to music. Occasionally, I have to do other stuff but it usually doesn't take up much time. I mean, I cook dinner most nights. I take out the trash, I do other stuff, it doesn't take all day to do that.

EVEN when I did have a job and worked at wm, I had time to answer messages and check things.

Now that I have too much time, I am stuck in a void. I have a life you could not deal with. Agoraphobia manifests in me in keeping me inside all day. I am a virtual prisoner some days, my own feeling keeping me in here.

This room isn't what it used to be. The floor is collapsing. There is an epic mess in here that will take days to clean up. I don't do it because of some kind of mental thing related to my mental illness. I can look at this pragmatically and know something is wrong but have no will to fix it.

The internet is my only social contact. It will likely be this way for the rest of my life. How sad is that?

While you are busy, I am here, sitting in my chair, trying to write.

I typically sleep from 5 or 6 am to 2 or 3 pm. On sundays, I have to wait until 630 am to go to sleep, the Fox's PSA's play at 6 am and I cannot sleep to people talking about some inane social event or whatever is going on at Ft Hood that has nothing to do with civilians.

Why do I sleep during the best part of the day (morning)? I really have no idea. I like the overnight.

It's only right for a ghost to like the night, you know.

Uncomfortable

I have dreams about and am thinking of death. This bothers me a lot. I mean, we all die. Many I know say that when someone dies, 'it was their time to go'.

I don't believe this because it violates Causality. Death has a cause, illness, injury, age, whatever. I do not know how I will die and frankly, I don't want to. I don't want to suffer.

Now that is sort of depressing. I mean, I could live to be 80. Given my family history, more than likely, I will not. I am already developing arthritis and I have read more than one news story about panic disorder causing heart disease. I have panic disorder.

I went to the wm in my hometown, a small one, and gosh, it was like avoidance. I hurried and kinda walked fast. I try hard not to panic if it can be avoided. I worry about my heart, have for a long time.

I have lost 7 lbs since January. That is good? Consider that I weigh 151 lbs now. Any lower and I would be underweight for my size. It could be muscle loss because I am not using them.

I would like to go to the Cove Gym to get back into some sort of shape but aside from no money to pay for it, I fear my agoraphobia would snap, especially considering that I am self-conscious at how pasty white my skin is.

I will try not to think of death. I certainly don't write about it.

When I was driving home, the cd player played 'Beauty #2' by Ladytron. Where is my Beauty #2?

Love helps, I know this for a fact.

Large Asteroid to Buzz Earth Tonight

Nat Geo wants us to watch this but really, the way life is now, don't ya wish it would hit the earth already? We need a huge event to change life, to have a common goal to work toward.

Also, less people means less pressure on the earth. Too bad it won't happen today.

You can see it here.

Personal Pain

Step into my pain for a moment. This pain will cause my suicide one day, not today.

It is not as simple as a cut or broken bone. It is not like a headache or when one's back hurts. It hurts more, deeper and scars my soul.

I was born in a small town in Tx. I was loved when I was a child. I was the only male grandchild until my cousin was born in Dallas when I was 12. I had potential. I could win the heart of any girl. I was sweet, cute, smart. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, they saw this.

Then my grandparents started to die. My grandmothers in 1977 and 1987. My grandfathers in 1991 and 1992. Of course, like my grandfather WL (Bill) Thompson, he would be 94 this year. Who wants to be that old and infirm? I shudder at the thought of the master plumber and WWII Marine reduced to a pale shadow of the man he had been.

Then I turned out to be shy. Okay. A lot of people are shy but not like this.

Consider using a phone. Simple right? I have a very hard time answering a phone. I could do it at wm because I took Celexa which deadened my anxiety reflex somewhat. I would MUCH rather text message than talk. I have a very cheap and sorry AT&T plan that doesn't have many minutes because I don't talk on the phone. I'd rather write what I am going to say. It is easier and I can write well, a talent I cultivated.

Don't say that I don't have a talent for writing. You write thousands of short stories and then you can judge. This talent is very important. It keeps me from killing myself. I can sit down and write and pour emotion into it. I don't feel better, but I have a clarity afterwards. I will have thought of consequences, effects, the promise of Salvation, denied if I commit suicide.

I am not particularly religious. My beliefs are somewhat held with a certainty that the whole story cannot be told and some things we aren't meant to know. I believe most in Causality. This is not about my beliefs, other than how they keep me from hurting myself. How strong is this?

My faith in Salvation is powerful but pain can overwhelm this.

What is this pain?

I am constantly reminded by my memory that life was not meant to be this way. This comes in dreams, in things I remember. Certain movies and music can cause this memory pain. I do not watch movies except maybe one in a great while. I delete songs from my wmp playlist that cause a memory pain. I cannot look at a picture of Jen. I cannot watch all 6 Star Wars movies. ESB causes a powerful emotive pain. That is why I remember when I first saw it, years ago, when I was a kid.

How much a kid do I remain? Consider this. I live at home. I have no wife, no children, not even a friend with benefits. I do not know if I can get into another relationship. The pain is too great.

My work record contains 7 years (and counting) unemployment. I was unemployed between 2002 to 2006, and from 2010 to now. What happened between those years? WM did.

I left wm on April 24, 2010 and was self-terminated on the 1st of June of that year. I could not go back. I just couldn't. I would have killed myself because the pain is too much.

It goes back to shyness. I have always been shy. I have spent the lion's share of my adult life alone. I may live at home but I live a very private life. No one bothers me.

In that time alone, I developed something called Social Anxiety Disorder. A defining feature of this debilitating mental condition is the panic reflex. I have panic attacks out of the blue sometimes, but most of the time, something causes it, driving, going to the store or an unfamiliar place. This made it hard to be with Malee. Something she did not understand.

I avoid A LOT. I don't go to the movies, I don't go to the mall anymore. I would rather buy it at Amazon but even going to the Post Office is hard for me. I go after it has closed, when no one is there to check the PO Box but I haven't even done that in months.

I don't even go outside unless I have to. I have lived where I do for 13 years, it is familiar, yet I can't deal with being outside.

Along the way, mainly because of stuff that happened at wm, hateful coworkers, indifferent managers, one who was racist against white people. WTF? Then Jen is there. I could not see her in person, no, I couldn't. I would be reminded of how she broke my heart. The pain she caused scarred my soul.

I developed agoraphobia because of the lack of treatment for my Anxiety Disorder. I do not have health insurance being unemployed. I cannot go see the doctor so he cut off my anxiety med. What the fuck? Did he know this could happen?

Because of agoraphobia, I don't go outside. I would sit here for months at a time. I cannot do that and prepare for my elder life. I can't go deal. It has become too painful to deal with.

Feeling is magnified. You may get angry sometimes, I become enraged. You may feel sad, I feel like crying.

This feeling I fear would give me the nerve to kill myself. I try to avoid feelings. Being Straight Edge, I deal with it on my own. No drink or drugs.

Oh, and the stress this has caused is enormous. Aside from raised blood pressure, I have stress damage to my prostate gland. It will hurt for the rest of my life. It hurts to pee. It hurts when I have an erection. It hurts when I lay down. It especially hurts when I have to go potty. (Sorry, I can't say certain things).

What is a prostate gland? It is a walnut shaped gland surrounding the urethra at the base of the bladder. I know exactly where it is because of the pain and then the tests done to reckon that it is stress damaged. It will only get worse as I get older.

As I sit here, I can't feel it if I have to pee. It only comes when I get up and walk around. That is not good.

Aside from the physical pain, I have other things to deal with. I will talk about my bedroom another time. It is where I spend 99% of my time. You can see Hwy 190 out of my window, it is only a couple hundred feet away.

I am reminded that life outside is busy, purposeful. I have no purpose and I stay busy with writing and playing games like Spore that waste A LOT of time. That is the point of that, actually.

My memory reminds me that this was not supposed to happen. I should be successful with a wife and kid, Id only have one. As I get older, it becomes apparent that this is not going to happen.

What is the point of going on, then? I failed at the one biological duty of all life forms. Reproduce.

Not that the world needs another human being.

No, not in this life. Perhaps in the next, if I am lucky.

There are other things that bother me. The allergies, the fact that I go hungry sometimes. Ramen is not a meal. I do not care what you say. Oh, then there's the fact that I have myopia and can't see without my glasses. I live with people who smoke. What damage has that done that is not yet apparent?

Changing any part of my life would take money and Herculean effort. It will likely fail anyway.

My parents won't live forever. This worries me more than anything. I have never been on my own. I do not know if I could live on my own. WTF? I am 36 years old. How did this happen?

Life will be fragilely stable for some time yet. If I do not prepare now, I will fail.

How can I prepare being unemployed with a debilitating mental condition? This question is a constant worry of mine.

It would be easy to say fuck it all and kill myself. But that is not only is a disservice to my family, my friends, others, it endangers my very soul.

I will be here for some time yet. I can't say that it's a garden party but I will try to make it so.

Soap Allergy

I am allergic to a few things. Grass, typical, any kind of conifer tree, that's also typical. I am virulently allergic to cedar, pine and juniper. Try working in the Garden Center with that.

However, I am allergic to certain kinds of laundry/bath soap. The one I am most allergic to is Tide. I discovered this when I was a kid, I broke out in the inside of my right thigh and *gasp* my scrotum. It took months to heal.

As I got older and began stocking in the stores, I discovered powdered laundry soap triggers my allergies.

I do not know exactly what bath soap is making me break out, it is some kind of Axe I think, I have been using an unfamiliar kind instead of the excellent and safe Snake Peel.

I have stopped using that. I use Snake Peel when I feel sweaty/dirty. I use Dove Sensitive every other time. Sensitive skin ain't just a girl problem. I have sensitive skin. I always have and always will.

Because whatever made me break out now, I have red spots all over. You can see this in my nudie blog, though you need my permission to access that.

I have three real bad areas on my back and right shoulder that picking at draws blood. I am self-injurious when my anxiety is provoked. Anything can cause that. I kinda like seeing blood on my pale skin, which is kinda disturbing.

I can say with certainty that soap and stress and diet play a part in this. I can't 'not' feel anxiety. It is like asking you to not breathe. A panic attack is stress magnified. I had one yesterday while visiting a small wm.

I avoid things that cause anxiety. That keeps me in an agoraphobic loop that keeps me in the house all day for months at a time.

I avoid things that cause allergies. I don't roll around in the grass or go anywhere near the million juniper trees around here.

I use the Sensitive soap and it should be okay.

You can e~mail me at arthelius@gmail.com if you want to see my nudie blog.

Political Extremism

Before I say this, I will admit that I am a Democrat, I believe in compromise, I believe less in bloated defense budgets and more in taking care of the people.

I hate extremism in any form. Whether it be from stupid and soulless islamists that blow themselves up to idiots like the tea party that is nazi-fying our government.

What is the deal? The way a government works is simple to understand

People work, pay tax --> revenue

Government decides where to put revenue ---> policy

President agrees --> law.

However, no one is working. I don't have a job. That has more to do with my personal pain that keeps me inside all day. Other people who do not have agoraphobia are unemployed. This is unacceptable. Why is there unemployment? A SIN. GREED. Corporate greed. Spend some time working at wm and see it in action. I do not believe anyone should have more than $1 billion. If that is communism, so be it. How much is enough?

What do conservatives have to cling to? Cold War era defense spending? Right to have a gun policy? Stripping women of individual freedoms? Corporate governance? Taking care of their rich friends and screwing people like us?

I am 36 years old. I live at the hind end of the American Century. I have no hope for the future. I wish I had killed myself in 2008 so I would not have to feel this rage against inaction and willful disregard for the country.

No one in the Congress is innocent. No one should be in the Congress longer than 12 years at a time. How long has Senator McCain been in government? Or Senator Reid?

The entire House of Representatives should be abolished. If they can't do their job and legislate, they should be charged as traitors for endangering American national security by destroying our economy.

Why is raising taxes so hard? What do you gain by not raising them? A broke government? Why bitch about spending? Cut pay to everyone in the Congress.

I am not in support of crippling the military. I am not sure Sequestration will cripple the military. I have lived by Ft Hood all my life. I am not sure the Army will suffer so badly. That's because of the bloated nature of the Defense budget. We have weapons that can kill anyone anywhere at anytime. Ask that al-qaida guy killed last week.

No, I do not believe in the current members of the congress, none of them. I do believe in President Obama, since he is not the one promising to strip health care from people as his first priority.

I cannot stand conservatives. I cannot stand the nazi-like tea party. I cannot stand dudes that tie up the entire government with a pledge to not raise taxes. I mean, all reps who signed that, who are they loyal to? That guy or the USA?

It is Un-American as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow.

Compromise? Sure, I would make a deal only if it did not hurt people. They are hurting people now by not compromising. They should be put in jail.

Hungry

For whatever reason, I have been going hungry. Forced to eat ramen, no meat or vegetables to eat. I am getting older, I need nutrients and vitamins and I am not getting them.

Why is this?

The person who does the shopping has no sense of the future. By that, I mean, she does not think of meals more than two nights ahead. Then she buys things that are not good to eat. I don't go to the store with her. I don't go anywhere.

I must suck up my will and courage to overcome my agoraphobia but that's like asking you to stop breathing. I can't just switch off panic mania or else I would have. Do you know what stress has done to my body? Between the prostate damage, body acne, and raised blood pressure, none of it is good.

I normally eat a granola bar a day. I normally have a vegetable heavy diet. I normally do not go hungry because if I have money, which I don't, food takes top level priority.

I haven't had either since late 2011. What the f*ck is this doing to my health?

I write about this here because no one else listens or cares.

Maybe one day, should I get a job/SS benefit for anxiety disorder, I can restore my diet.

Assuming I do not get sick or die before then, of course.

Why I Watch the UFC

I have misandry. I hate other guys. I don't like looking at them, talking to them, or being in the vicinity of one. Animals. To say humans are not animals is a fallacy. Some men prove it on a daily basis. Look in the crime blotter in your local paper. Then there was that case in Florida where that guy ate the face off another. I''m glad the police handled that with professionalism.

It could be why I am interested in transgenderism. Ex-boys who felt that they were never male. You are only male because that one little sperm cell that reached your mother's ovum had a Y-chromosome. It could have easily been one that had an X-chromosome and a male would have never been.

I wish that was true in my case. However, it is not. It is far too late to change now even if I had the desire/money to do so. I have prostate issues. I hate the fact that it hurts me to pee. I can't go see the doctor, urology won't see me without health insurance. Hello, I am unemployed. How could I possibly have health insurance.

I had it when I worked at wm. It was all right, I guess. Paid for all those tests.

Anyway, about males. I may be male but I consider myself only that.

Getting to the point here, I watch the UFC because I like watching males get the crap beat out of each other. It kinda reminds me of Ancient Rome, gladiators and all that. It would not be cool if someone got killed. I mean, just because I have misandry does not mean I wish them grievous harm.

Measuring how tough you are isn't always judged in how you fight. People who survive cancer, paralysis, major surgery, people like that are tough.

I am not really that bothered by male friends. Just don't compare yourself to me. I am not like you or anyone else.

It could be the decline of Western culture. It's playing out in its birthplace right now. See how it's going in Athens right now?

I regret being born when I was instead of 100 years before. Of course, I wish I had not been born at all. A lot of things would have been better, I think.

Arthelius says: 'Living then dying leaves a memory but being never was does not."

Of course, he is a Jedi ghost. Knows such things.

Transgender Politician

This is Yollada. She is a politician who is Thai and has recently won a victory to whatever post in the Thai government.

Like Jenna T, Yollada is an attractive transgender person. It makes me wonder if humans as we evolve, are losing sexual dimorphism. I have XY-chromosomes as well but I sure don't look like a girl.

Though at wm, I was often mistaken for a girl. I do not know what that was about, could be my not-gender-specific eyeglasses. I like my glasses though I hate being myopically blind without them.

Read this story about Yollada, http://goo.gl/TqZsK

It is at Global Post, a news site that I read occasionally.

Don't mistake my interest in transgender people for wanting to be that way. I want to know how it happens and what it feels like. A great majority of transgender people I have seen are not attractive so how are these ex-boys attractive?

I wouldn't mind having one as a friend but nothing more than that.

Of all things to be curious about. I don't know why.

Oh, and mosquitoes. The little scourge. They seem to be a bad problem here. I will write about that later.

Depeche Mode

,I first heard of Depeche Mode when I was a sophomore in high school. It wasn't like I was under a rock or anything but during my childhood, it was always country music. I grew to detest country music, particularly anything made after the year 2000.

I got the 'Violator' tape when it was new. I first heard it on a school trip and for me, it is a reminder of an earlier time.

The songs Martin Gore writes reflect things I feel in my present life, particularly feelings about Jen. I used to listen to the 'Best of Depeche Mode' on my way to and from wm when I worked there. I would play it loud, boost up the bass and it was all right.

I would find it hard picking a favorite song of theirs. I like a lot of them. If I had to pick one, it would just probably be 'Policy of Truth'. It sounded wicked in that car I used to drive.

More distressingly, I may listen to Depeche Mode as I commit suicide, should that line be finally crossed. It hasn't been yet. My faith is too strong to just give up like that.

I would never come outright and profess my Christian beliefs. It is my business, not anyone else's. I mean, I believe in Cosmology and Evolution as well. My core belief is in Causality.

Music helps me deal. I have a lot of music. More than I should have. It is probably why I am poor now.

I have the 'Violator' cd now. It will likely be the first cd I play in a future car. I am selling mine but I will write about that only after it is gone. I will post pictures of it going away.

I'm sure that there are others that like Depeche Mode. I have known some. So what if the Fox doensn't play it? Rock is fine but not all the time.

Beauty

This is Jenna Tacklova, the person who ran for Miss Canada in the Miss Universe Pageant scheme.

I saw her on CNN when that was going on and gosh, I have known transgender people in the past, you know, Austin, but gosh, Jenna is not like them. She is beautiful.

I have no problem with transgenderism. I mean, in my stories, it is done with either hormones and surgery or easily by reconstruction technology. I have written about Lin Ekesa here before. He became a she eventually through that technology.

Unlike real life, where Jenna likely had to go by hormones and surgery. I wish that technology existed for people like her. That way, she could be 100% female and no one would say anything.

I wish her all the success she desires. I think she is a beautiful feminine person.

I can't say that I am attracted to people like her. I mean, my ex-gf Jennifer typifies, at least physically, what I find attractive. I will likely never find another like her. For that, I am glad.

I may make another transgender character. In the age of Body Change, it doesn't mean a whole lot.

I wish that we did not hate. Of course, my wish of $30 million to have is more likely.

Back Again

I am back online. This is all right.

I have been hurting recently but I won't write about icky personal problems here. That is why I have my nudie blog.

Err, I hate any mention of politics anymore. It is getting intolerable.

I will write about something cool later.

No Net Access...

Im sorry. My internet bill wasnt paid. I have no job and someone else was paying for me. Im going hungry some days because of financial mismanagement here. I am sliding into suicidal depression again. The fact that i am using a phone to post this doesnt help. I am trying to write but the idea sponge has dried out. I dont go anywhere. I dont even go outside. How bad is my agarophobia? Bad. I will be okay. I am interested in some things that will distract from the pain for a bit. Chrono Cross is one of these things. I will start a new game tomorrow. If you want to contact me, tweet me. The link is on this page.

Shame

How much do you know about me? If you read this blog, you know that I have some problems, some big ones.

The truth is that I never left home. I couldn't. Number one, I can't exactly deal if I have nowhere to hide from the things that cause me anxiety. Being my myself in an unfamiliar location would cause like a tetra-disaster panic attack.

Number 2, I never really made a lot of money. I am an old grocery stocker. I was content to do this but for one reason or another, it did not last more than 10 years (mainly because the store closed).

Number three, I worry about my mom a lot. Given the verbally abusiveness of my father, who would be here to keep the peace? Who would do the chores for them? They wouldn't. I do anything for my my mom, it seems only right.

However, I am 36 years old now. I am childless, never have been in a serious loving relationship. Sex is NOT love. It is BIOLOGY.

I have a sedate life. I write stories. I listen to music. I keep to myself because I don't like being a bother. I do like to talk to interested people but such things do not occur around here.

I don't want to cost money but I do, a lot of it. Why is this? Why should it cost money to live? What benefit would come if I did not live? This question loops in my mind occasionally.

I am not well. I have a debilitating condition. You don't know how bad anxiety order is until it is pushed to far. Things I do when it is pushed too far? I tremble, my heart pounds, I sweat. I cut myself. I cry. I am sorely tempted (when I have it) to overdose on my med. Go to sleep forever. I close in, become super avoidant. People mistake this for 'bitchiness' 'feminization' or 'weakness'. It is NOT. I don't want to be pushed over that edge. It is so easy to do, to fall into that trap.

This shame is strong enough to cause suicidal feelings on its own. I will never get better. I will always have anxiety issues, my prostate gland is stress-damaged, it will be sick in the future.

What future? Will it be any different from right now? This worries me a great deal.

Leaving home would be good, for them, though I doubt that, but not for me. I am a failure as a human male.

I wish I never was.

I won't sully my blog with things like this. If you want to know the real story, you can e~mail me.

I am an individual with a personal pain. I am not like you or anyone else. I will focus on something else, then wait until conditions are right (my dad takes a nap) to do some chores.

You may think this is uncool, that I am a loser. No, friend, you are a loser for not knowing the whole story before you pass judgment. I am going to need help to get better, to live on my own. I can't do this on my own.

Trouble Writing

I have written for most of my life. I write around a certain group of characters or interconnected plots. Like the story I am working on now, 'Kehla', is directly connected to three other stories, beginning with one of the main serial characters. That is how I write, connections. It is all one big story-world.

However, recently, I have had trouble with the will to write. I do not know what caused it, nor can I will that feeling away. I am getting it back, writing more every day.

However, the verbal abuse upsets me so bad, I cannot write. I cannot write when I am upset. I can't just calm down, I have a loop in my anxiety disorder's depressive stage, and it tightens when I am upset. I can't 'not' feel upset. I am too sensitive. Threatening me is one way to upset me.

I am not a bad person. I don't cause drama. I don't even go outside. What is the deal? I have faith that it won't always be this way. If I lose this faith, I could very well lose the will to live.

That is not talk. It is how I feel. I am afraid of getting older, and of the future. I know I will get sick either by prostate trouble or 2nd hand smoke, which has been around my whole life. Then whatever is written in my DNA, could be cancer, lupus, RA, anything my recent ancestors had.

Things have to change, I know this. I don't adapt to change well, so it isn't something to do lightly.

I do not know what went wrong in my life. I am trying hard not to feel suicidal but it is tough, you know.

I really wish I was a ghost like Arthelius. No one could hurt me then.

Beloved Texas

I am a Texan. I am a 4th Generation Texan. I was born in the same town I grew up in. It will always be my home.

People make fun of Texas for different reasons, the way people talk, or the gaudy proportions of meal servings, or even the embarrassment of the Cowboys recent seasons.

However, when it comes to politics, understand something. Not every one in Texas is Republican. I know many who are not. Myself included. I did not vote for 'Pointy Boots' as Jeff Ward calls him, Rick Perry. I have known for years what an idiot he is. Just like his mentor, old Dubya himself, the king of idiots.

I have never been out of Texas. I wouldn't travel if I had the money because quite frankly, it is better here than where you are.

There are parts of Tx I do not like, like Killeen, but Killeen is a parasite city not representative of Tx because most of the people who live there are not from Tx.

We are nice people. We like to help others, and courtesy comes natural to us. Recent events may not agree with that but consider where they happened.

Remember next time you speak badly of Texas, you are offending people like me who love it. It is my home.

Power Failure

X-post from my old blog at Diary Land.

8:53 p.m. - 15 March 2004
power failure
About electricity.

Do you know how much our lives depend on it? How it comforts us and keeps us safe and occupied?

When it goes out, it's never a good thing. My power went out for 2 hours and came back on just 20 minutes ago.

Sitting here in the dark, listening to Massive Attack is cool but I'd rather much be on the net at the same time.

The power company is incompetent. They take forever to find and fix the problem. Of course, this is Tx, we don't have blackouts or anything like that here. This was no doubt weather related.

I hope your power is on and you all are doing good. Mine is now and I'm doing much better than I was an hour ago :)

Now consider that just a few moments ago, the power came back on after being out for nearly three hours. That has not happened since that blog post was written way back.

I was writing on a story when the power went out. Timed backup saved a lot, thanks Corel.

The USA has a threadbare power system. If companies pulled their heads out of their greed mammon seeking asses, they would invest in improving infrastructure.

A simple thunderstorm caused this. What would a tornado or solar flare do? Good thing I still have a cd walkman.

I will be okay now. I was very upset. I actually went outside for a bit, not pleasant since it was and still is 47 out there. I need to talk to someone. I will look online, I guess.

Childfree

I am childfree. This is not because I have a stringent belief in not having children. It is because I have have never had a job that payed a lot. I don't have a job now. Not only that, I have a stress disorder, how would the constant worry and stress affect me? Negatively. It would only take a little push to throw me over the edge of the suicide cliff.

Not only that, I have recurrent non-bacterial prostatitis. My prostate gland swells and shrinks making always painful to pee, sometimes hard to pee. But the other function of the male apparatus works like it should, though doubles pain if used for a while, like in sex.

It is a pain I am used to. I have had this for four years now. As I get older, I fear greatly future prostate troubles.

I could have a child still, biologically. But, I cant support myself let alone another life. It would be a tragic disservice to that child if I could not take care of him/her.

Of course, that goes onto the topic of a willing female who has a heavier investment in such a thing. I have lost the hope of finding a loving girlfriend.

I just sit here and don't think about it any more.

Recurrent Sadness

I am usually sad when I wake up every day. I do not know why, but it could be a transitive thing between dreams and reality. I hate reality. It is nothing but pain and stress. People say, 'that is life' but is it? Did we humans develop the curse of sentience because of pain and stress?

No, too much of what people believe is BS. Try studying Atenism sometime. If Akhenaten was able to foist his beliefs onto the people, it can be an analogy with modern conservatism. Only part of the Aten, the Sun providing life, is true, what in Conservatism is?

I saw someone on tv describe what is happening in now in the ridiculous Republican struggle for the nomination as a 'carnival'. I think it is more like a black hole sucking in money, tv time, good sense, effort, and desire to do anything truly good.

I don't hate anyone but I strongly dislike. I dislike conservatives but opinions can change.

I am not liberal. I am moderate. I like to agree. I don't like extremism of any kind.

Way off topic there, sorry.

I am sad because I have cyclical depression. It is caused by my anxiety disorder. Stress is a motivator and there was stress yesterday. Maybe not so today but the day is young as I write this.

Compounded with my prostate pain, this is how things will likely be for the rest of my life.

Remember, it is my choice when it ends.

Arthelius says, "It is the emotional blade that hurts most." Right on, brother.

Why I Wont Have Anything by Apple

A long time ago, when I was in school, the pc was sorta in its early days. I am a child of the 80's, you know. During the school years, occasionally, I would encounter a McIntosh computer. It was small, with a weird screen, and incomprehensible. Not to mention the bloated cost of the things.

That is where I learned of the word 'proprietary'. Not propriety is fine if you are Nintendo or Sony, for the format of the consoles they make is unique to them. Should a computer be this way?

Now I know Mac now has some commonality with Windows but this I-phone, I-pad, I-whatever else, it's all proprietary. My music is in the WMP format. I never got to buy an Mp3 player before I became unemployed. But then, I never go anywhere so why would I need to take my music with me?

I hate proprietary things. There should be one device that runs everything. This may be lack of competition, but competition is harming our country now with the debacle of this election season and the worse debacle of the US congress.

I don't need anything by Apple. I never will get anything by Apple. Take your proprietary bs and piss off.

Enmity

I have spoken of my dad before. Remember, he was brain damaged by a stroke. Nothing he says can be taken seriously.

However, he says that he does not mind if I commit suicide. Well then, what is stopping me exactly? A belief? I believe in Jesus, the promise of salvation. But I also believe in Deism, that God does not directly interfere with human life.

You can say wrath was visited on those communities ravaged by those tornadoes. Wrath or a confluence of atmospheric currents, temperature, and water vapor?

Why create something just to destroy it later, I mean the soul. We have souls. It is what makes us human. You may not feel it but you know it's there.

What would happen to mine if I killed myself? Oblivion? I don't want to show that I was not strong enough to deal with life. It takes courage to not do it when the pain rages like the surface of the sun.

What my dad says garners enmity. I don't hate him, he is my father, but in the broken mind he has, he has become a big bully, that is all.

I won't let the pain win. I need help, yes, but you need money for that and I don't have any. It is sad that I have a life-threatening pain and need money to help heal it. Where is the compassion of the human soul? It is openly shared in some people, not at all in others. Money, that is why I hate it, it is soul-corrupting.

Human beings could be extinct before we could ever agree to do away with money.

Fascination

I shouldn't be online, I am over on my internet allotment for the month. Oh well.

What fascinates you?

For me, the stars, the study of the Universe, a beautiful woman, Ancient Egypt, even being at the lake fascinates me.

I don't know why I am fascinated by some things. I always have been.

I have been writing on a story. This is punctuated by the verbal abuse I get and the fact that I have to cook dinner. I don't mind cooking.

I wish I could write like I used to, before the verbal abuse. Maybe one day, when this bully person is gone, I can feel better.

I don't wish it but if something makes one so stressed to the point of suicide, it should be gone.

Maybe, I don't know.

I have a troubling thought. I live in Tx. Given that the early season tornadic storms affecting the Midwest are bad, what will it be like in April-May when Tornado Alley cranks up? It happens every spring. I once saw a tornado in the year 2000 somewhat west of US Hwy 183 north of Austin. It was far away and I don't ever want to see one, even if it is far away.

I saw on CNN people driving into a raging thunderstorm with heavy hail and drenching winds. What the hell? I have been through some gnarly t-storms in my time. The power always goes out in those. We hadn't had one of those in a long time but that is a good thing.

I hate thunderstorms. I have always been fascinated by the weather. The sky, the sun, the moon, but I don't like thunderstorms. I have a weather radio. It hasn't gone off in a long time, no warnings. When it does though, it is usually bad.

Heh, in 2002, the wind blew the door off our old house. Guess who got to go put it back up? I put on the only shorts I could find, loose ones, and went out into a blinding rain and huge wind to get it. The water, me running, whatever, my shorts fell off and I was naked in the rain. Given that I live by the highway, that is not usually wise.

I like being naked in the rain, it's a good feeling.

Questions

I fist learned of Akhenaten maybe sometime in my high school days. My fascination with Ancient Egypt began with the story of Osiris and Isis. Now that isn't how things really were, I know, but who can say how it really was? It was all so long ago. I mean thousands of years. Think of all the stuff that has happened since then.

Good things, like Jesus, bad things, like Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, worse things like Ivan the Terrible, Napoleon and the evillest human being in history, Hitler.

But what fascinates me? Atenism? You know how I love astronomy, and a basic thing, ALL life depends on the Sun. Not that I believe that the Sun is anything but a great ball of hydrogen fusing its life away. Stars live on a timescale inconceivable to an average human mind.

The idea of this basic fact is beautiful and shows that a natural fact is understood.

For whatever reason, whether it was an old Sun cult, a manifestation of Ra, or just plain difference, Amenhotep IV became convinced that the Sun is the only life giving force. You can see it in the art of his time. A sun disc's rays beaming down as hands holding ankhs, the symbol of life.

Akhenaten perhaps went about it the wrong way, saying that what ever anyone else believed was bs. That is a quick way to raise someone's ire. I know this because I KNOW human evolution is a natural fact, not that we just 'appeared' in this present form. Human beings are flimsy creatures as life on Earth goes.

That doesn't mean that I don't believe God created the Universe. I do believe He did. Physicists say that the Big Bang 'just happened'. How do you explain this massive violation of Causality?

The problem with that is, we may live in what is just one universe in a sea of universes, the Multiverse. It is not provable but it is interesting to thing that there are many worlds were things went one way or the other. Like Dubya won in the year 2000 here but maybe in another world, Al Gore won. How things might have been different if that happened? We might not be in the worst economic crisis in 70 years if that had happened.

Back to the point, Akhenaton as a person doesn't fascinate me. He probably was fruity, arrogant, and gosh, he was the king, you know. His ideas fascinate me. The art he commissioned fascinates me. The artifacts, the stories, the people, all fascinating.

And poor Tutankhamen, if he was not so close to that era, perhaps we could have learned more about that time. Why did he die so young? What did he really believe? What happened to his wife? Poor guy, ripped apart to get at the amulets, bracelets, pectorals, and jewels on his person.

Where did he really go after he died? Forever oblivion? Nothing resembling our current beliefs were around in his day. Does he know that people gawk at his golden coffin, which rests in an unstable country? Things set on him to help him on his journey to the afterlife scattered in museums in places far from Egypt.

I hope that science resumes and certain things are found that could help finish the story. Queen Nefertiti is one of these things. Is she still down in the Valley? Somewhere else? If I had any chance to go to school again, I would try to go help search.

Not that I would travel so far from home. The thought actually tickles my anxiety.

It isn't because things are gold and fabulous. I want to know the story. I want to know why it went so wrong. How does Atenism relate to other beliefs of the time? If it did influence the Ancient Hebrews, what then?

It possibly doesn't but you don't know, it was 3,000 years ago. Do you know how long 3000 years is? We'll find out in 5012, should there still be human beings then. I am not certain of that at all.

What would they think of America then? When did it go wrong? We could be living in the time that signaled the long decline of the USA. I hope not, I mean, things have to change but this is not the post to discuss that.

I will always be fascinated with the Amarna Period of the 18th Dynasty of Ancient Egypt. It is a pleasant escape from thinking of this life now. I wish I never was.

Somewhere, in a different universe, I never was, a pleasant thought.

Hurting Today

I have been thirsty. This is because I eat only once a day, I am constantly hungry. I have tea to drink to distract from that.

The problem with what ordinarily isn't a bad thing is that it causes me to have to pee more. The more I have to pee, the worse it hurts. It creates pressure on my prostate and makes the whole line sear like a lava flow.

If it gets too bad, peeing becomes difficult. I have to do it. I cannot hold it like I used to. I hate this, and I talk about it because you can see me, my pain isn't obvious. It always hurts.

I have been studying Akhenaten and his time, an intense fascination of mine. No matter how things really were, it becomes a fascinating look into a simple life that we should have, not the bs that we have now.

I cannot afford to see the doctor. I am loathe to take a tylenol just because my pelvic area hurts. It doesn't help all that much anyway. I only have so many tylenol tablets remaining, I can't afford to get more.

I hate money. Why should we suffer when we don't have it? Just like the Primaries in Az and Mi, a fucking waste of time, effort, and money.

Oh, I will return to writing stories again, soon. I am trawling for inspiration now.

I actually went outside, I can post a picture of me I took after I took some wicked pictures of the sky. I love the sky, the stars, clouds, the Moon, all of it. It is a spirit enriching thing to be out there, imagination stoked by elemental things.

I wish I could be disconnected from my body, like mind uploading. I could be free to wonder without the pain that distracts. I can't sit for more than 10 minutes at a time.

Also, I have noticed. I can't tell when I have to pee unless I stand up. I could sit here and not feel it at all. That cannot be good.

I was not stressed today, but my day ends at 6 or 7 am. I sleep in the daytime to limit contact with things like the abuse and stress.

I hate that. I have always been a morning person. I love the morning.

Abuse and Self-Hate

I don't admit this in person.

I live with my mom. This originally was because my dad had a debilitating stroke 15 years ago. He is paralyzed hemi-paliegically. My dad is bitter, angry, always has a bad attitude. You would be too if your left side didn't work. However, my dad projects his rage/pain in the form of verbal abuse to me and my mom. Calls my mom stupid, which really makes me angry.

He calls me 'queer' and makes insinuations that I am homosexual.

How can I be when I have misandry? I am attracted to females only. Ask Jen or Malee.

I have endured this for almost 10 years. It may be why I developed anxiety disorder in the first place. Do I have to kill myself to make it stop?

I'm no bullied teenager. I know there is rationality in things.

I hate myself only because I am male. I hate it! I hate being hairy, I hate shaving, I hate my prostate gland worse than anything. I hate competition. I hate being a disappointment. I hate living in a world where being a 'man' means drinking beer, going to ball games/bars/etc.., having an expectation of being something perhaps many 'men' are not.

My sexual affair with Malee taught me several lessons. The most important is that NEVER have sex with someone you do not love. I could not bring myself to love her though I did try. She was just too different, perhaps too young for me.

I see on tv, things like that, you know, virile man gets some, goes to parties, is 'cool'.

I sit here every day and think that this life isn't working out. What went wrong? It used to be so good. I used to be loved. Not anymore.

I am not hard to love. I care, I am sensitive, I even like to do stuff for people.

But I can't just go out even if I had a working car. I can't go to public places with a lot of people. I would have a panic attack within 5 minutes. Dealing with my anxiety disorder without medicine, without a doctor's help, is a preventative measure.

Panic attacks hurt. They cause the heart to beat fast and hard like a trance music beat. They cause sweating, sweating in places you wouldn't think you had sweat glands. Feel dizzy, feel hot inside, feel scared.

I cannot 'not' have a panic attack. It happens for any reason, any time, anywhere.

No, I avoid this, see, I don't leave the house. When I do, it is usually just to the store. But even going to Dollar General causes a panic attack. I usually go with my mom.

My mom will not always be here. I will be alone one day. I do not know if I can be alone. I am scared of the future. I focus on things like astronomy, my writing, music, I research the reasons why other people my age committed suicide.

With this verbal abuse cause me to cross that line?

This is why I sleep in the daytime. This is why I stay in my room, which isn't quite the garden spot. I will talk about my room another time.

I hurt when I wake up every day. This is because for whatever reason, my brain plays memories from a time when it was not so bad. Dreams of things like a loving girlfriend, being out and about, even being important. a

I am not important. I can't find any evidence that someone misses me. Or wants to talk. Or wants to see me. Maybe that it is better being forgotten, then I would not have to face the ordeal of leaving the house.

This is not healthy behavior!

On Sunday mornings at 6 am, the Fox plays its PSA's. One of these PSA's is Focus on Ft Hood. They talk about family stuff, events, care, all sorts of things as Ft Hood is like a massive city. None of it pertains to civilians.

This makes me feel bad for several reasons. I am not and have never been in the military. I recognized the fact that I'm not military material when I was a teenager. I like the military, have respect for Soldiers, I write about a military.

It bothers me because I have no kids, and things seem to pile on people like me who are single and childless. I am 36 now. Having a kid in the next 5-10 years would be a disservice to him/her because I do not see myself getting old.

You must consider the world we live in. One day, things are going to fall apart. Societally, in the Government, in the West, even. It has already started in Europe. Can you imagine riots like those in Athens in a major American city?

I don't know if I could live in a world that has fallen apart.

I must get a new job. Not only because I need the money, I need a reason to exist.

That is not as easy as it sounds. I live 7 miles from the nearest town. Where I live can barely be called an urban area. The wm I worked in was 26 miles away. I used to have a way to get there, but now I do not.

Oh, and then there's the anxiety disorder ordeal. I would have to start over again. I must get my medicine restored before even considering going out to find a new job. It costs $68 just to see the doctor. What the fuck? Where am I going to get that being unemployed? No one understands my anxiety disorder than the one who diagnosed it. I hope Obamacare puts the screws on doctors who put money before people.

No, it is not something I could easily do.

I hate not my life. I exist for a reason, which is not always clear, I hate being male, I would rather be an 'it'. That is not possible and I have to deal with what I am.

I am sick like that, sick in my soul.

If I am allowed an afterlife and I could see my family again., how could I possibly face them knowing what I have become? The antithesis of what my grandfathers were. Shame, hate, I wish I never was sometimes.

Well, that's how it is.

I will try to write some more, play Spore, maybe even watch a movie. Anything to distract away from a feeling that will go down the road to Hell. Suicide.

No, things happen, good things, sometimes. It has been a while for me.

Influences on My Stories

I made my own story-world. I do not take from any real life or fictional source. I have a way to do this, I made a completely different culture.

What things are like here are not like there. In how people relate to each other, in how the government works, the very problems or threats they face are nothing like what happens in other stories.

The biggest influence on my stories is the Culture books of Iain M Banks. His ideas of AI match mine. I have always 'humanized' AI. I like writing about AI's. It is a contentious issue in the Commonwealth whether if the AI could be considered a person. The law, after much arguing and research, says they are if they are over a certain rating. Most androids are over this standard where house computers are not, with a few exceptions.

The Qesak Orbital in my stories was inspired by orbitals in Banks' novels. It is actually smaller than those and is not as varied.

History influences my stories, especially World War 2.

The actual US Navy inspired the military of the Commonwealth.

The Commonwealth was inspired by early American colonies.

I gather ideas from life and from what I see on CNN.

This idea net, as it is, always is open. I can generate new ideas if left to ruminate on them for a while. I did this when I was at work. I will do this when I return to work.

I will use Ischia as an example. In studying Ancient Egypt, a very big fascination and interest of mine, I got the idea of making a character like one they would have made. She will be like Ketheri in some ways, very much not like her in others.

One day, I will write my opus. It may not be like any story I have ever written. Depends on what happens between now and then.

How I Started Writing

A long time ago, like in 1985, in 5th Grade, we had an assignment to build a story about a planet and civilization. I made one called Scorptrolio. I never established that people were native to it. It was settled by colonists. Colonists from an empire at that time I had not created.

As I got older, I learned more about how things are, and developed new stories based on this. Mind that Scorptrolio has not been featured in a story in over 12 years.

The empire I developed is backstory. It is the foundation upon which the Commonwealth was built. When I write about the empire days, it is usually about a princess because I like writing about princesses.

I focused on one character in the beginning, born just four centuries after the Commonwealth was founded. I wrote a lot of stories about that character. Established a whole mythology.

But in looking back, I have developed the main people of my stories away from what that character had been.

Ketheri came along late in that character's life.

Most stories since Y2K have featured Ketheri. And now her time is almost over. How much can happen to one person in one life?

I used to write in 3-subject notebooks. When I got a computer, I received WordPerfect 9, and ever since, I have uses WP to write. I use WP X5 now, the fourth version of it I have had. I won't get another since X5 is compatible with Windows 7 as well.

I write when it's quiet, when I have no interrputions. You can see in some stories when I lost my focus. I try not to let that happen.

I do not write when I have emotional pain or if I am real sleepy.

It really does not matter to me if my stories are published or not. I write because it helps me by focusing on things that take my mind off my real pain.

I have learned a lot about style and grammar over the years. I am good at this. I always was.

I will always have a story to tell.

When Ketheri is gone, off to a fab future where she is Reina, the Supreme Commander of the Kita Army, an army of billions, she will leave a void. I may create a new era.

I have created the interesting character named Eschia (Eal Seket). She has to be fit into the story world, which means more stories to write.

Always are.

Homosexuality in My Stories

Most of my stories are an episodic serial Space Opera. As far as plot structure goes, it is akin to how a soap opera plot develops. Ketheri is the protagonist of this serial.

However, I will talk about how things are in an equal-matriarchal culture like the one the Commonwealth has.

Homosexuality is not a sin in this culture. It is accepted as normal love. Individual people may not like it but that is how things normally are.

The most common homosexual couple would be between two females. Male couples are rare largely because of how they are raised. That is not to say a female is raised to be like that. Love is encouraged.

Lin is an example of a homosexual who gender changed, which is relatively easy to do with the technology they have. Many who do this assume the role of whatever they changed into. Some are confused. I will make a character like this later after 'Rain' is done.

Personally, homosexuality bothers me on an evolutionary level. I am not like that and do not understand the appeal. I was told today that one of my female cousins is lesby. I have not seen her in a long time so I cannot remember that much about her. Even if she is, it doesn't make her less than a person.

Maybe in a more tolerant society, it would not bother us so much.

Many of my female characters love both genders. Male characters are rare anyway because of how things developed in the setting. I tend to feminize male characters because I don't like other males. There are exceptions, Dr. Akrem and Adm. Rian are two major male characters. I have established them to be quite heterosexual. It is not something I ever mention in a story. I know my characters over the course of the stories, you would only know them if you actually read existing stories.

I will make Rain freely love, her only desire is to contribute to the Great Circle of Life. Can't do that if she and her mother are the only survivors of the destruction of their village. They will get a new village.

It is not a conscious decision based on how characters develop. For example, I never established Ketheri as lesby but her first and most intense love was a girl named Carine. Ketheri had nine kids over life, can't do that if she was not attracted to males. She has been in more male-female scenes than not.

Why should sex matter anyway? Because they are people like us. Not cardboard characters.

I may make a character to supplant Ketheri, and release my star for her wonderful future. I have been trying to do that for a couple of years now. I will work on this some more.

If you have a question, let me know.

Rain

Late in 2010, I started a story called 'Rain'. This was begun in my troubled time after leaving wm, it took months to get over the stress and pain. In some ways, I have not to this day, nearly 2 years later. I was in wm 1073 today and fuck all, if I did not get a panic attack. How can I live this way? I write to take my mind off it.

'Rain' is about a Vehmba female named Rain. She is 18 years old, average sized, pretty for a Vehmba.

Infodump here: Vehmbas are little creatures, average 3.5 feet tall, who are anthro. They have excellent proportions, a long and flexible tail, and their 'hair' is actually a cooling structure. They look like dreadlocks but are not hair like we know it and are one big strand. It looks like hair. Feels warm and soft to the touch. Vehmba eyes are solid, no discernable iris or pupil. Some glow, some are dull colored. They can be yellow, green, or in rare cases, black. Vehmbas have bluish skin, powdery blue, with subtle linear striping, which is an individual trait used to identify each other. The stripes are pale, looking like airbrushing and usually give the Vehmba an exotic look. Some Vehmbas are darker blue, some are lighter. It is an environmental thing. Vehmbas have feet like a monkey's, opposable big toe. They are slightly bigger than a human foot would be at that body size.

There is little sexual dimorphism between male and female Vehmbas. It can be hard to tell them apart for one unfamiliar with them. They are a neoteny species.

Rain is a bit darker than average, her stripes are demure, reddish-yellow, hard to tell on her skin. Her eyes are greenish-yellow. She is the daughter of Me'ess Mela. A me'ess is a village chief, though more like a 'mother' of a tribe. Mela called her Rain because she had Rain outside in the rain, taking that as a sign of purity.

Rain is a hunter and forest scout. She carries a bow, poison arrows and a knife. Also, she has a modern comm device, and, after events in the story, an AI companion.

Rain's village was exterminated by a military action using nanotechnology as a weapon. The village was on a special world.

Rain has a strong belief in the Great Circle of Life. To her, all things are part of the circle and threats to it must be eliminated. She has no compunction against killing when it is in defense of the circle.

Rain is unusual among Vehmbas who have been in other stories. She is a native of a planetary forest. Most Vehmbas live in the mid-bay forest of giant spacecraft. The outside galaxy thinks they are little better than ignorant savages. It is a fallacy Vehmbas cultivate. They are highly technological. Rain is not from a village known for techy things.

Rain's story isn't over. I never finished it. Sometimes, when troubles overcome me, I have to suspend stories and usually can't find the flow to resume them. This story is different. It is actually a sequel to another story told from the military's point of view, called 'Undesirable Creatures'. That one was finished.

I will put Rain through some adventure and a costly encounter. Her story will be a legend among Vehmbas for generations.

I will post 'Rain' on my angelfire site when it is done.

I wrote a whole post yesterday and it was lost before I could post it. I will rewrite it because it might surprise you that I could write about such things.

About This Background

You may wonder about the stars and such that are the background of my blog. I made this image, it's called Constellation.

A year ago, I discovered Colour Lovers. I love making colors and pattern art. I may not be as remotely skilled as others but I like what I make. I made this pattern about a week ago.

I am Ar-Ghost there, perhaps you can see what else I have made. I go there sometimes and make more patterns and colors, but only when I am feeling creative. I haven't been lately.

You can find this at Colour Lovers

Something I Love

This is a galaxy cluster in the constellation of Pegasus. It is far, far away. Mind that not all of these galaxies are the same distance away, it only looks so because they are the same part of the sky.

From the top left, NGC 7319

Colliding galaxies, NGC 7318 A and B

The one in the bottom right is NGC 7317

The one in the bottom left is closer to us than the others, it is NGC 7320.

Together, they are Stephan's Quintet. They are an extremely beautiful galaxy cluster.

NGC 7320 is about 39 million light-years from Earth

The other ones are around 340 million light-years away, a long way away no matter what scale you use.

All of them display redshift, which means they are moving away from us, though it is more like the expansion of the Universe is carrying them further away. I will talk about the expansion of the Universe some other time.

I have loved looking at Stephan's Quintet since I first saw it in school all those years ago. Not long after the last repair of the Hubble Space Telescope, it took a fabulous picture of Stephan's Quintet, which you can find on hubblesite.org

It is one of my favorite astronomical objects. If I am ever able to get a potent telescope, likely a Celestron Nexstar of a large apeture, I will look for this and see them with my own eyes. That would be a treat like no other.

Policy

I built a government. In my stories, the primary characters serve in a space navy. Who runs this navy? The government, of course.

It is a Commonwealth, it has 102 member states. It has well over 30 trillion citizens.

Each citizen is guaranteed health care. Guaranteed basic living rights, that is to say there is a place for everyone. They can do pretty much what they want.

However, the Commonwealth does not tolerate drug use or alcohol consumption. Both were made illegal in the now distant past and what happens now is people do not miss what they never had. The use of fossil fuels is illegal, largely because of stringent environmental regulations. This directly led to breakthroughs in energy production and distribution.

The Commonwealth is represented by a senator from each state. All but four states have their own governors. These governors elect the head of state when the need arises.

The head of state, the Coordinator, is not like any political office now. The Coordinator has almost autocratic power, almost but not quite. The Coordinator must be female, because under the constitution written a decade after the fall of a misogynist empire, it became an issue of equality. This law has never changed. The Commonwealth has always and will always have a female ruler.

She can be overridden by the senate, even voted out of office. There is no term limit for Coordinator.

It is an incredibly hard job. Not just any female can be Coordinator. A pool exists for future candidates. They have to have a requisite education and preferably political experience. The Coordinator is the face of the Commonwealth.

I originally established this because in 12th Grade Government Class now 18 years ago, I remember understanding how the electoral college works. I don't. I know the popular vote does not count. As such, no citizen votes for a Coordinator. It is an important decision.

The Commonwealth government is small compared to the country it governs. There are ministries of State, Culture, Health, Justice, Science and Technology, and Environments. Of these, the Health Ministry has the most influence.

The military is not controlled by any one political office. It is directly governed by the office of the Coordinator. She has the last word on involvement in conflicts.

The Commonwealth is featured in a lot of my stories. Many who work for it bemoan the fact that pay is minuscule.

What contentious issues does it have? Health care distribution, aid to member states suffering internal conflicts, and immigration. The most populated states have a lower quality of service than lightly populated ones. A revolt on the most populated world caused a battle and loss of most populated status. That world now has had its Commonwealth charter suspended. The military has blockaded it. Aid is sent by this blockade.

The Commonwealth government owns just two cities in the whole nation. One, Elsha, is an immigration/health portal as well as where the Commonwealth's orphanages area. There have been a lot of displaced children in modern conflicts.

The other city, never written about, is Mana Ti, where advanced science, federal projects and services take place.

Goverment services:

ComNet, the communication/tv medium. Every citizen can access ComNet though when it isn't showing news or educational programs, it tends to show graphic sex. This is popular actually.

Hypercomm, the faster-than-light communication system standard in the galaxy.

Assistance, people who have no job are helped in finding one, guaranteed. There is no welfare as we know it on the federal level. The member states can do that but only a handful do.

My own politics are centrist. I do not ascribe to any extreme position. I despise conservatism. Though when you write about a big nation, you understand that people have a myriad of views. I do not inject my beliefs on my stories consciously.

If you are interested, I can answer ANY question about the Commonwealth. It is that detailed.

It won't last, you know, with that revolt, things are changing. Foreign intervention and all that.

I like to talk about things I have written.

China

Let me say first that I like Chinese history and culture. I like Chinese people.

However, I do not like the PRC at all.

A couple of years ago, I had a pen pal in China, Yujie. She is a worker in some kind of sales area. I don't quite get it but I am sure that it is a job taken from an American in the past. I ask questions to determine the intelligence and experience of a person, this is normal stuff. So I did this with Yujie and gosh, you would not believe what she does not know. History, freedom, how things really are in the West.

Then she goes and has a kid, adding one more to what is too many to begin with. Overpopulation is a topic for another post, however.

I do not talk to her anymore. I am disturbed by unquestioning loyalty to the PRC. You might think, hey, it's the government, right? True, but it is a government like the Soviet Union had. When did communism cease being a dangerous enemy of America?

I have heard on CNN commentators speaking about the efforts by the PRC to police its population. They do not want news of the Arab Spring to reach the people. They don't want to end the murderous regime of Assad in Syria because it sets a dangerous (to them) precedent, that people can effect change. What is freedom if that cannot happen?

How much of your stuff is made in China? Did you ever wonder why we can't make it here? There is NO REASON that anything can't be made in the USA. Those who outsourced to China directly harmed America and should be seen as traitors.

How could we get out of this unfair trade disaster? End trade with China. Show them that we are not slaves to anyone's will. This can't be done, they hold zillions of dollars in our debt. How did that happen?

I truly hope one day, the PRC is overthrown and destroyed. That freedom is restored to China. It may not happen in my lifetime, however.

No Love

I was going to write about Star Trek: Voyager but I will hold off on that.

I have been thinking for a long time about the music I have heard. I listen to music all the time, usually the radio.

When singers/songwriters sing of love, appeal, desire, care, and obsession, I wonder if it is just rhyming fluff or can this be how things actually are.

In my life experience, I have only received attraction, sex, friendship but no true love. I have begun to think that it an impossible thing to find in my life now.

I am sure that there is a girl my age or not far from it that needs love like I do. Meeting her would be impossible because I don't go anywhere.

Several years ago, E-Harmony said I was 'undatable'. That hurt and I lost faith in love.

I cannot change how I am, shy, anxious always, a practical shut-in.

I would only date a girl now who understood mental pain, who is an intellect, who likes Science Fiction, who is not more or less than 5 years of my age, 36. This sounds like a hard thing to find but I don't believe so. There just aren't any females like this where I live.

I may never find love in the remaining days/months/years of my life. I do know this, that I can't make it alone, and I will have the last say on how long I will live. It is a pragmatic decision.

I don't listen to songs that appeal to memories, love, or associations like Jen and green day.

This is bad because that is maybe 30% of music in my WMP library and maybe a larger proportion of my cd collection.

I am lonely, yes, but to welcome someone new into my life, it won't be easy. I will try though, should the blessed opportunity presents itself.

Guardian

You may know what this is.

It is Jupiter, a massive gas giant planet that could have been a star and shares some characteristics.

It's like a mini solar system, with nearly 40 moons and the four big ones, Io, Europa, Ganymede, and Callisto, are bigger than our moon, worlds unto themselves.

Jupiter looks cool through a telescope, though you'd need a big one to resolve details on the moons. In my telescope, they are bright points of light.

Why is it a guardian? It's powerful gravity can deflect, pull in, or fling away a comet heading into the inner solar system. It stabilizes the orbit of the asteroid belt and Mars.

It is in the sky in the evenings now, a bright dot that doesn't flicker like stars do, no planet does.

I like to watch video taken by Voyager 1 and Galileo of the clouds writhing and moving along like a roiling current in an endless sea.

I remember a month after I graduated high school, Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 broke up and hit Jupiter. It was cataclysmic, a fireball more massive than the Earth.

Imagine what that would do if it hit our world.

Thanks to our guardian, it did not.