Power Outage

The power is out, keeps flickering as if trying to come back on. I am super bored, draining my laptop's battery to write this.

I had a sad day. I took out a lot of garbage, 5 bags full, and then went and got my hair cut. I don't know how good it looks. I washed my hair a bit ago but I can't take a picture because in the dark, the flash reflects off my pasty white skin, overwhelming the optic sensor.

I don't think I look good anyway. I will do it later when I feel up to it. I don't right now.

The power was off between 10:55 pm and 2:23 am, which is the main part of my 'day'. I sat here in the dark, listening to my cd player and all but drained the battery of my laptop.

The power outage also caused a malfunction in my directv box but an automated fix repaired it. Stupid thing's too smart.

I was feeling super bored because I couldn't write. It was the fact that I use this pc to write mainly and without power, it is a lump with peripherals.

After it came back on, I did as I originally planned, started reading 'A Darker Geometry', a story within the 'Man-Kzin Wars, Volume VII' book. I originally read this series like 15 years ago and it is familiar but I have forgotten a lot of things.

I have most of the series, if not all of it. I haven't read the later parts of it, feeling that I should read Volume IX first and I only recently found it.

I like that story and that story 'Cathouse' way back in Volume II.

I haven't been able to go to a bookstore to find a new book that appeals to me. Getting it online is not the same.

Stupid, just stupid. I don't know why the power failed. It has been rainy but not storming. The sky is totally gray and it continues to rain lightly, nothing that would perturb the threadbare power system, surely.

15 years ago, when we first came here, an apparent power failure for no perceptible reason happened in February and killed all the fish in my aquarium. I haven't had one since because of things like what happened.

There is an article in this month's issue of Scientific American about power independence. If only we could do that.
Fat lot of good solar panels would do us on a day like today.

I am sorry if I had done some things with my blog to affect it. I was bored. I will fix it.

I listened to The Sisters of Mercy' during the outage on my cd player. 'Vision Thing' was playing when it came back on, how appropriate.

I will attempt to write a story if this doesn't happen again.

Insulted

Why are you reading this blog? I write about something personal and no one reads it. I write about something stupid like Russia and it gets dozens of looks.

Why are you here? If you don't give a damn about me, why? This is really starting to bother me.

Shall I post a picture of my peena? Would you look then?

What are you here for?

I have things to write about but why if no one reads it?

I am ever more certain my life will end in suicide. I hope you know that you people are not helping.

Stupid FedEx

I am expecting two packages from HP. One contains printer ink and a laptop case, the other is my new desktop computer.

FedEx is shipping them and they can't find my house. Whatever. They used to be able to. They used to come here occasionally.

I cannot explain enough how to find where I live. I left my phone number with them so they can call me. They have yet to do so. I don't know why things have to be so hard.

I hardly got any sleep as I should be sleeping now. This is stupid.

Extremely Personal

I have mentioned my anxiety disorder many times. I take a medicine for it, citalopram (better known as Celexa). Celexa helps me by blunting the constant panic/worry I feel. It changes me by making me less sharp mentally and making me sleepy all the time.

However, by far and away, the most irritating side effect is the delayed-orgasm effect it has.

No, I do not have a girlfriend. Jen effect, you know.

I have to release ever so often. It is because of my prostate. If it is not cleared, it can gather bacteria and become infected. This is no joke and it freaking hurts. Antibiotics are NOT fun either. I have taken three in the past for this.

Dr. H, the urologist told me to release ever so often. It hurts, like right after the release. It feels like someone kneaded my prostate gland. It hurts to pee afterward as well, like someone took a brillo pad and scraped out the inside of my urinary tract.

I learned in my last sexual experience that it hurts to go in and out, causing stress on my prostate. Celexa afftected that too. I never did finish.

So I can't finish now, when usually, it's not a problem. My most naughty movie does stimulate but something is not working. It is this damned medicine. I cannot not take it. I don't want to feel panicky all the time.

My prostate gland has hurt badly for several days now. I believe drinking Coca-Cola caused it as the urologists said, soda causes irrititation. I cannot go see them. I do not currently have health insurance. They won't see me without it.

What kind of doctor is that?

I don't know what to do about this, to be honest. It is the worst pain, you know, when it hurts to pee. How often do you pee? Imagine if it hurt every time you went like it does for me.

Abuse and Self-Hate

I don't admit this in person.

I live with my mom. This originally was because my dad had a debilitating stroke 15 years ago. He is paralyzed hemi-paliegically. My dad is bitter, angry, always has a bad attitude. You would be too if your left side didn't work. However, my dad projects his rage/pain in the form of verbal abuse to me and my mom. Calls my mom stupid, which really makes me angry.

He calls me 'queer' and makes insinuations that I am homosexual.

How can I be when I have misandry? I am attracted to females only. Ask Jen or Malee.

I have endured this for almost 10 years. It may be why I developed anxiety disorder in the first place. Do I have to kill myself to make it stop?

I'm no bullied teenager. I know there is rationality in things.

I hate myself only because I am male. I hate it! I hate being hairy, I hate shaving, I hate my prostate gland worse than anything. I hate competition. I hate being a disappointment. I hate living in a world where being a 'man' means drinking beer, going to ball games/bars/etc.., having an expectation of being something perhaps many 'men' are not.

My sexual affair with Malee taught me several lessons. The most important is that NEVER have sex with someone you do not love. I could not bring myself to love her though I did try. She was just too different, perhaps too young for me.

I see on tv, things like that, you know, virile man gets some, goes to parties, is 'cool'.

I sit here every day and think that this life isn't working out. What went wrong? It used to be so good. I used to be loved. Not anymore.

I am not hard to love. I care, I am sensitive, I even like to do stuff for people.

But I can't just go out even if I had a working car. I can't go to public places with a lot of people. I would have a panic attack within 5 minutes. Dealing with my anxiety disorder without medicine, without a doctor's help, is a preventative measure.

Panic attacks hurt. They cause the heart to beat fast and hard like a trance music beat. They cause sweating, sweating in places you wouldn't think you had sweat glands. Feel dizzy, feel hot inside, feel scared.

I cannot 'not' have a panic attack. It happens for any reason, any time, anywhere.

No, I avoid this, see, I don't leave the house. When I do, it is usually just to the store. But even going to Dollar General causes a panic attack. I usually go with my mom.

My mom will not always be here. I will be alone one day. I do not know if I can be alone. I am scared of the future. I focus on things like astronomy, my writing, music, I research the reasons why other people my age committed suicide.

With this verbal abuse cause me to cross that line?

This is why I sleep in the daytime. This is why I stay in my room, which isn't quite the garden spot. I will talk about my room another time.

I hurt when I wake up every day. This is because for whatever reason, my brain plays memories from a time when it was not so bad. Dreams of things like a loving girlfriend, being out and about, even being important. a

I am not important. I can't find any evidence that someone misses me. Or wants to talk. Or wants to see me. Maybe that it is better being forgotten, then I would not have to face the ordeal of leaving the house.

This is not healthy behavior!

On Sunday mornings at 6 am, the Fox plays its PSA's. One of these PSA's is Focus on Ft Hood. They talk about family stuff, events, care, all sorts of things as Ft Hood is like a massive city. None of it pertains to civilians.

This makes me feel bad for several reasons. I am not and have never been in the military. I recognized the fact that I'm not military material when I was a teenager. I like the military, have respect for Soldiers, I write about a military.

It bothers me because I have no kids, and things seem to pile on people like me who are single and childless. I am 36 now. Having a kid in the next 5-10 years would be a disservice to him/her because I do not see myself getting old.

You must consider the world we live in. One day, things are going to fall apart. Societally, in the Government, in the West, even. It has already started in Europe. Can you imagine riots like those in Athens in a major American city?

I don't know if I could live in a world that has fallen apart.

I must get a new job. Not only because I need the money, I need a reason to exist.

That is not as easy as it sounds. I live 7 miles from the nearest town. Where I live can barely be called an urban area. The wm I worked in was 26 miles away. I used to have a way to get there, but now I do not.

Oh, and then there's the anxiety disorder ordeal. I would have to start over again. I must get my medicine restored before even considering going out to find a new job. It costs $68 just to see the doctor. What the fuck? Where am I going to get that being unemployed? No one understands my anxiety disorder than the one who diagnosed it. I hope Obamacare puts the screws on doctors who put money before people.

No, it is not something I could easily do.

I hate not my life. I exist for a reason, which is not always clear, I hate being male, I would rather be an 'it'. That is not possible and I have to deal with what I am.

I am sick like that, sick in my soul.

If I am allowed an afterlife and I could see my family again., how could I possibly face them knowing what I have become? The antithesis of what my grandfathers were. Shame, hate, I wish I never was sometimes.

Well, that's how it is.

I will try to write some more, play Spore, maybe even watch a movie. Anything to distract away from a feeling that will go down the road to Hell. Suicide.

No, things happen, good things, sometimes. It has been a while for me.

Radio and Anger

I like Trance music. I like electronica in general. I listen to internet radio, mainly entranced.fm and others. I have been listening for a while today. It is great.

Then I asked why waste your money in seeing 3D Episode 1, if you have the dvd? A person with whom I went to school, one I don't recall ever being my friend, said that he was doing it for his kid. WTF? Like a kid's going to know any different? I saw Return of the Jedi in the theater in 1983. Do you think I can remember that too well? I do vaguely.

I saw Ep 1 in the theater, the other two as well. The theater does not make it a better movie. It is a colossal disappointment in execution and dialog. Maybe if you didn't have a suck tv, perhaps you would not be pleased with a simple dvd. 

I have a suck tv, 19 inch maganovox from a Cove pawn shop. It is connected to a Directv box. It has issues but is still watchable. If I wanted digital, I would watch it on this computer screen, which is an lcd one. I watch my porn on this screen, lol. 

Anyway, what made me angry is mentioning their children. One child brings humanity closer to extinction. Overpopulation. If that child fails in life, it is the parent's fault. They are to blame when there is not enough to go around.

We are put here to breed? Fuck you. I did not ask to be born. 

I have prostate issues. I have a mind that clamps down on physicality when stressed. I have a stress disorder caused by the umbrella term anxiety disorder. Anxiety that will make me kill myself one day. 

I think of my niece, who is now 12. I have watched her since she was very small. I worry a lot about her and she is not even mine. I could not deal with the worry of my own. 

Anyway, I am unemployed, and yet, when I worked at wm, I did not nearly have enough money to consider having a child. It is a disservice to that child if you cannot afford him/her. 

What are you doing anyway? Being animal like and spawning. 

Ha ha, venting my spleen. I don't care what you think. You have no idea of what I feel or go through daily. 

I won't say I am right, but I have my opinions. As I get older, the less likely it will be I can take care of myself let alone a child. 

I will chill now. 

Arthelius, who had no children and died a long time ago now, said, "It is in the individual that life goes on."

Truth.

Death?

This is Casey Anthony, a young Florida woman who did something very reprehensible. I do not know much of what they accuse her of, but one thing remains, her 2 year old daughter, is dead.

Why is it that girls who do give in when asked for sex, do not insist on protection? The female has a heavier investment in sex, because the actual penetration is introducing a forign object in her vagina.

Too many guys have no empathy for the female. I hope to understand, I have written stories from a female POV for a long time. I try to have empathy, but some females are about as empathic as a demon. Is Casey one of those?

No matter how little Caylee died, Casey is reponsible, even if it was an accident. The fact that she said nothing about her kid being missing for so long alone shows you how un-empathic she is.

Does she deserve death? IMO, ONLY if she actually killed little Caylee and I don't beleve any young woman could be that callous and uncaring. If she helped kill little Caylee, death, as it is the same callousness.

If she was hiding an accident, or if she was threatened to keep quiet, then a lengthy prison term, long enough to hold her past menopause so she can't quite casually have another child.

That last scenario is unlikely. She knows what happened. She better tell what she knows, her life could depend on it.

I hope the truth comes out. I will be watching the trial on In Session.

Poor Stephany

I told you.

This van der sloot character is the purest scum. He killed Natalee and now he killed Stephany. This bastard needs to be hung by his neck until he is dead, but that is merciful compared to what he did to these undeserving of cruelty girls.

Wtf was he doing in Peru anyway? I hope some hardcore criminal in the jail they put him in makes him his bitch. I hope someone slashes him. I hope the spirits of these two girls laugh as he is put through hell.

What drew them to him? Money? Money is not a factor when looking for just a f-thing. And if you did the f-thing with someone, the last thing you think about should be hurting them.

It makes me sooo angry. I hope and wish for a real girlfriend, not the sex friends Ive had. This filth wastes his opportunities, decries love and murders them.

I hope justice is found for Stephany and Natalee. Putting him in jail for life is not justice.

The final justice is not a human matter. I believe God will punish this filth.

Arthelius says: Undeserving through acts calls for a bitter remedy.

Yeah, maybe where he is from. :(

Disrespect and Anger

I am extremely upset. I have worked the same schedule for all of my tiome in the cesspit. 11 to 8, like a mantra. a certainty I never had to worry about.

Then this toad, this mojao, schedules me a crazy nonsensicle schedule I will have to write down for the first time ever.

Yes, I don't like mexicans. Fuck you if you think that is wrong. I was beaten up by one as a kid, one impregnated my sister and though I love my nephew, I do not like what he is.

I am not racist. I am a student of anthroplogy and evolution. My dislike is a sociological one.

This toad who is only a dept manager after 20+ years at wm, talks like he is the only one who knows what to do and for you to guess. Then when he gets mad (which is often as he has a bad attitude) he yells at you like you are a kid who did something wrong.

IT MUST STOP.

I did not sign on at wm to be talked down to. I have been in trouble and never got talked to like that. I am approaching my 3-year anniversary. I am not a ro0kie.

If management does not do anything, the Home Office must know and if they don't, then the Department of Labor of the US Gov.

Arthelius was known to give in to anger. It is why he fell to the Dark Side. It was a lesson learned only after being a ghost for a while that he learned to chill. I know how to chill already. It isn't possible in the cesspit.

I believe in simple understanding and if that cannot explain the way things are, then why fucking go on with life?

If I had killed myself 2 summers ago like I intended to then, I would not have this problem now.

I wouldn't mind being a ghost but I have reasons to stay.

The anger will fade as I chill. XM-Chill is on, can ya dig it?

Upset, Very Upset

I had some crummy days off. I was sick, yes, but I spent most of the time either sleeping or vegatating thanks to my celexa-clone.

But yesterday, when I went to work, they informed me, without my consent, to put me back in Grocery. I left fucking Grocery for a reason.

It is the deepest smelliest and darkest part of the cesspit run by stupid bitches. The only saving grace they have is that the store is in the parasite of FT Hood, K-Town. The sales would be good if there was a dirt floor and spiderwebs in the celing, which there are in places but I digress.


I hate my job, yes. Not the work, but the people. Why must there be supplication or politics? It's damned store, not Congress.

I am upset to the max.

I need to close this out and go chill.

I'll be okay, as long as there's a reason to believe in life, my reason, Jen, my dear one.

Angry

I don't get truly angry much at all. My Celexa-clone keeps things cool. I really stopped being pissed off all the time when I was a teenager, because it left me with a stomach ulcer. When I get sick, which is often enough, I get the kind of sick that just does its best to annoy and hurt. Take this latest bout with prostatitis. I went to the doc yesterday and got yet another antibiotic. Bactrim. It seems to be working as I don't hurt as much down there today but mind that I did not pee much today.

What really inceses me is the situation about a hat I ordered. I so desparately need one to protect my head when working outside. It was sent on 23rd May. As of this writing, it has not come in. Mind that it was sent as Priority Mail. Grrrrrrrr!!!!!! I am so angry at this total breakdown of things that should work right. I complained about the Post Office in my hometown because I suspect that my hat is in there and they have not delivered it.

I don't know why things like this happen to me. It can't be karma. I am a good boy. Nevermind that, really. Boys like me are rare.

I just don't know. I don't see Jen on these two days. That always hurts, you know.