No Love

I shaved my other parts, though should I post those images? No. Not unless you want to see my male parts.

This post isn't about that.

What is wrong with my life? Why do I feel so bad when I wake up? I feel so lonely when I am here at night. I concentrate on writing so I don't feel this familiar pain.

No Love Pain, it is extreme. But my anxiety disorder won't let anyone in. So what? How could this be changed? It can't. I have gone without treatment so long, my anxiety disorder like congealed. It will fossilize as days go by, like a shell.

That is how I see my anxiety disorder.

Without love, it will get worse and worse.

No Love

Being inundated with commercials on tv about love being that St. Valentine's Day is nigh. How do you think that makes me feel?

Go back into the archive of my blog and you'll see when Jen was my girlfriend. It ended abruptly about this time of year in 2009. For a girl to say a video game means more to her than I did. I, ME, I terminated our relationship. How disrespectful and cruel can that be?!

I will never forgive her for that.

She wants to be my 'friend' still. No way, girl. I have never been hurt that way. I don't want to go through it again.

How has she affected my life? I hate green day with a passion because of her. I turn off the radio when they play. I reaffirmed my hatred of dogs because of her. Oh, just mentioning sex to her was a taboo subject. From a 30 year old female?!


I hate Warcraft because that was the game she said meant more than her. A fly by night plagiarized fantasy epic. Yes, it seems successful but it pales into comparison with Final Fantasy 7.

Sooner or later, Square-Enix will come along with something ultra awesome, they have before.

But this post is not about video games.

It is about the lonely life I have because of a girl. The Jen Effect.

Maybe I was not a good boyfriend. She never could understand why I have agoraphobia. She lacked empathy like that.

But understand, she was not a good girlfriend. She only called me when she wanted something. I took her home from work most nights. I never go to a public place to eat but I did for her. She made me go to movies I don't watch normally. She didn't like anything I do, Hard SF, Trance music, I liked Chill a lot then but it is not so appealing now. She hated it.

She considered the stories I write meaningless. Stupid girl, they are therapy for me.

It has been a long time now. I have not seen her in person since a few days before I left wm altogether. I don't want to ever see her again.

I am apprehensive about getting into another relationship. It just isn't worth tickling my anxiety feathers.

I won't write about Jen anymore. Some pain can be avoided. She doesn't use the web, or she didn't then. If she reads this, KMA Jen, demoness.

Could she be to blame for some of this agoraphobia? I think so. I used to be able to go somewhere, do stuff. I haven't been to the lake in 11 years. I haven't seen a movie in the theater since 'Avatar'. I used to go to Killeen all the time, only twice in the 5 years I have been away from wm.

It is hopeless and why I believe my life will end with suicide one day.

Holiday Sadness

Over my adult life, when I started to lose hope of a family of my own, I came to dread the holiday season.

I don't like holidays. I don't like commercialism. I mean, my distant ancestors held a pagan winter festival this time of the year. Commercialism has changed that.

I feel sad when commercials on the tv constantly bombard one with the reminders of how great kids are or getting that gift for your loved one.

I don't have a loved one.

My anxiety disorder makes it incredibly hard to go outside. Well, yes, I do go to the store, at night, but that is only because I have to.

I want to do things like see the ocean again, to go see some friends, to see how much familiar places from long ago have changed. I would like to see the GG Bridge for myself. I have heard about it my whole life.

Now do you really think I can go to California? I can't deal with going to the capital of the state I live in. Pure panic when I was there last week.

No, I have a loveless life and that is slowly destroying me. I doubt seriously any female will take an interest in me, or that my anxiety will let her in.

I don't like the holidays. They are almost over. I can celebrate January 12th as Ar-Ghost Day, a totally random day to say, yes, I am still here.

Anxiety hasn't killed me... yet.

80s Music

I like 80s music. I did not get a chance to hear it when it was new as I was a child then and all my parents would listen to was Country.

I listen to it now and find inspiration in it that could have been relevant in the Jen time in my life. That girl still bothers me years after we broke up. I don't want to see or hear from her anymore. Non-entity.

Broke my heart and still it refuses to heal. I left wm indirectly because of her. I have been unemployed for nearly 4 years, though my anxiety disorder precludes me from working anymore.

I have no hope for a new girlfriend. I doubt that my anxiety would let her in. It also lends credence to the idea that all girls are inherently cruel, knowing the power they wield over a male heart.

I listen to 80s music because it is better than that worse than the algal scum that builds up on one's aquarium that passes for new music now.

Real talent, real melody and real songwriting.

I like Trance most, I love chill, and I listen to a rock station on the radio.

Ha ha, Jen hated Trance and chill. Good. Should have known then she wasn't the girl for me, despite the fact we had a lot of other things in common.

Now, no love in my life.

I don't think of it much anymore. Kinda lost hope. I can love vicariously through the characters in my stories.

Could this change? Yes, love is a healing power.

No Love

I was going to write about Star Trek: Voyager but I will hold off on that.

I have been thinking for a long time about the music I have heard. I listen to music all the time, usually the radio.

When singers/songwriters sing of love, appeal, desire, care, and obsession, I wonder if it is just rhyming fluff or can this be how things actually are.

In my life experience, I have only received attraction, sex, friendship but no true love. I have begun to think that it an impossible thing to find in my life now.

I am sure that there is a girl my age or not far from it that needs love like I do. Meeting her would be impossible because I don't go anywhere.

Several years ago, E-Harmony said I was 'undatable'. That hurt and I lost faith in love.

I cannot change how I am, shy, anxious always, a practical shut-in.

I would only date a girl now who understood mental pain, who is an intellect, who likes Science Fiction, who is not more or less than 5 years of my age, 36. This sounds like a hard thing to find but I don't believe so. There just aren't any females like this where I live.

I may never find love in the remaining days/months/years of my life. I do know this, that I can't make it alone, and I will have the last say on how long I will live. It is a pragmatic decision.

I don't listen to songs that appeal to memories, love, or associations like Jen and green day.

This is bad because that is maybe 30% of music in my WMP library and maybe a larger proportion of my cd collection.

I am lonely, yes, but to welcome someone new into my life, it won't be easy. I will try though, should the blessed opportunity presents itself.