Amusement

This most recent thing about the drama with my cousins has provoked my odd sense of humor. Fuck them if they don't want to talk to me any more.

I say Really, think what?

People I don't know in person, they would be amongst them are like flat characters in a story. Background. None of them even bothered to call or text me during the last 15 years of unemployment and that hell time that was my time at wm.

I did not always have anxiety disorder. It developed in that hell time.

Things that provoke it, I can avoid. But what does it matter, really?

In the grand scheme of things, this all will be forgotten one day. Just as people who lived during the early 1900s are being forgotten.

I may fear my elder life but really, what is the sense in worrying about it? I will age, can't stop it. Entropy is the way of things.

I will be amused and say really, think what?

Because what you think.... does it really matter?

Arthelius the Ghost and Marraka have returned from M83 with some cool pictures but the radiation there melted their camera. See, if they thought, what? They would have brought one that is shielded from that. Typical.

Power Outage

The power is out, keeps flickering as if trying to come back on. I am super bored, draining my laptop's battery to write this.

I had a sad day. I took out a lot of garbage, 5 bags full, and then went and got my hair cut. I don't know how good it looks. I washed my hair a bit ago but I can't take a picture because in the dark, the flash reflects off my pasty white skin, overwhelming the optic sensor.

I don't think I look good anyway. I will do it later when I feel up to it. I don't right now.

The power was off between 10:55 pm and 2:23 am, which is the main part of my 'day'. I sat here in the dark, listening to my cd player and all but drained the battery of my laptop.

The power outage also caused a malfunction in my directv box but an automated fix repaired it. Stupid thing's too smart.

I was feeling super bored because I couldn't write. It was the fact that I use this pc to write mainly and without power, it is a lump with peripherals.

After it came back on, I did as I originally planned, started reading 'A Darker Geometry', a story within the 'Man-Kzin Wars, Volume VII' book. I originally read this series like 15 years ago and it is familiar but I have forgotten a lot of things.

I have most of the series, if not all of it. I haven't read the later parts of it, feeling that I should read Volume IX first and I only recently found it.

I like that story and that story 'Cathouse' way back in Volume II.

I haven't been able to go to a bookstore to find a new book that appeals to me. Getting it online is not the same.

Stupid, just stupid. I don't know why the power failed. It has been rainy but not storming. The sky is totally gray and it continues to rain lightly, nothing that would perturb the threadbare power system, surely.

15 years ago, when we first came here, an apparent power failure for no perceptible reason happened in February and killed all the fish in my aquarium. I haven't had one since because of things like what happened.

There is an article in this month's issue of Scientific American about power independence. If only we could do that.
Fat lot of good solar panels would do us on a day like today.

I am sorry if I had done some things with my blog to affect it. I was bored. I will fix it.

I listened to The Sisters of Mercy' during the outage on my cd player. 'Vision Thing' was playing when it came back on, how appropriate.

I will attempt to write a story if this doesn't happen again.

Ouch

I shave every Tuesday or so, Hate Sunday next time because I have to go to the store that night.

I was too warm, this summer refuses to let go. Should have been cold by now but nope, I need to wash my warm clothes. Haven't worn them since April.

As yet again, I cannot get a ride to the Laundromat and laundry has become huge so I doubt if I have enough money to do it. I use 2 machines, one for towels and pants and one for everything else.

I use 2 dryers the same way. I may have to use three if it is too huge. I will get a laundry bag for my warm clothes.

My male pain is very bad but to get tmi for a moment, I have an ant bite on my anal area. The left side of the orifice is swollen a little bit. I didn't notice this until I took a shave check picture. Can't post it here without making my blog an 'adult' one and you know, my cousin reads this. I don't want to be too exposed.

Instead, you can see my face Shave Check image. I was distracted by a game show on tv and cut... fool.

Awful Situation

I don't know if I mentioned it before but my sister is a tetradisaster. Everything she touches is destroyed. This includes the unstable quietness here.

She knows I have anxiety disorder but continues to wale on it like whipping it with a barbed wire wrapped stick.

She was doing this as I was getting ready to go wash my clothes for the first time in three weeks. Oh, so angry, shaking. She caused extreme panic last night by running all the gas out of the truck so that I barely made it to Cove. Talk about a white-knuckle ride, it was.

Now, it was generally known that I was going to wash clothes. I had to do another thing that is nearing its completion.

My sister's harangue caused a panic reaction so I forgot what shoes I was wearing. I had to avoid before she provokes a suicidal panic.

So, I left the house, only to find the Laundromat I have used for almost 20 years is closed. I went to a newer one that is more expensive and had to endure an hour of 'The Dog Whisperer'. (ick... :( I don't think so.) An unfamiliar area and the general discomfort of sunlight and people speaking a language I have a limited understanding of (Spanish).

This was awful. I had to go to the bank for more quarters. I hadn't noticed until I was leaving to go back to the truck. My shoes....

If I had a gun, I would shoot myself. My sister caused the anxiety that led to me wearing the wrong shoes. I can't believe it. It's not like I can feel a difference. They fit the same.

I don't know if I will be okay. You know, Hate Sunday is coming up.

I am posting a picture of my shoes so you can see. It's fucking stupid. I feel terrible. Stupid. Unworthy.

This would be my old shoe and new shoe, both New Balance. I went into the sunlight to show this.

I am serious. I thought about hanging myself. Then something I read a long time ago that when a male is hung, he generally has an involuntary erection. I don't want to be found like that. So I dismissed this for the time being but you know, it is going to happen again.

It may be time to use my Medicare and go get help before I do act on this thinking and kill myself.

Important?

I am super upset. This can cross into suicidal feeling if made worse. Why? I mean, I'm not hungry.

No, okay, several months ago, the power switch of my playstation 2 went bad. Fell apart really. Couldn't turn it on. I mainly use it to play my ps1 and ps2 games. I don't like the ps3 and wish I never got one.

So, when I could afford it, I ordered a used one, knowing the risk in such a venture. It came in forthwith fashion and I loaded the Final Fantasy 12 disc in it.

Nothing happened. I checked everything that I know to see if it worked and it did not, the disc motor is bad.

So maybe I could use my otherwise undamaged ps2 to fix it. That did not work. They are different product generations and incompatible.

I sliced my thumb on a sharp piece of plastic while working on them and gave up. Now I took it apart. I can't send it back.

I am a fool. I should have never done that. Now I will have to order a new one when I can afford it but I have things to renew in October. I have already taken care of KMT which is the most expensive magazine I subscribe to. I have to renew Analog and Penthouse.

Also Norton 360 is coming up. NEED it.

I staggered these so they would not come all at the same time.

I am having body trouble. I am having difficulty peeing. While this is not unusual for me, it is worse than usual. It could be related to the upset I feel, causing body stress on my prostate. How it got damaged in the first place.

I don't understand how I could fuck up so badly. You would think at my age, I would know better.

I will be here but really, would it truly matter to you if I wasn't?

Poor Miley

This is Miley Cyrus at the much hyped I Heart Radio festival. I know this because I listen to an I Heart Radio station.

I only dimly knew of Miley Cyrus. She became famous as some sort of actress during my time at wm, when I did not watch much tv.




I did see pictures and such of her then and thought, she's a girl, cool, girls are cool, she's all right.

Then recent behavior, then this .... what is this? A cry for attention? Making up for a short-coming? Something to feed the need to shock much like Lady Gaga or Madonna before her?


I don't care about celebrity news and gossip. It's all fluff.

I comment on feminine beauty in my blog and ordinarily, Miley has it, but not here. She would get arrested in my home town for wearing that openly. It bothers me. Why does a girl have to debase herself to get attention?

Myself, I hate attention. It ruffles my anxiety feathers.

Stupid FedEx

I am expecting two packages from HP. One contains printer ink and a laptop case, the other is my new desktop computer.

FedEx is shipping them and they can't find my house. Whatever. They used to be able to. They used to come here occasionally.

I cannot explain enough how to find where I live. I left my phone number with them so they can call me. They have yet to do so. I don't know why things have to be so hard.

I hardly got any sleep as I should be sleeping now. This is stupid.

Rancor

I have no opinion on what happens in Florida. It is a terrible place for letting CA be acquitted. As the sea level rises because of CO2 in the atmosphere, Florida will increasingly be subsumed by the sea. Maybe that isn't so bad.

I have thought since this TM situation happened that the boy was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe he shouldn't have been shot, what is it with freaking guns? I don't own a gun and never will.

I think the whole situation is stupid. Major cities going bankrupt, restupidcan politicians put ideology before good governance. Hey, didn't you know why it is so hot in places it isn't usually so hot in?

No, I won't mention Climate Change in my blog. You are stupid if you think it isn't happening. Maybe the Earth is returning to a Cretaceous climate, no ice on the planet then.

But then, what happened when the Cretaceous ended? Whatever it was, Ankylosaurs, Tyrannosaurs, raptors, etc.... saw it happen, witnessed their own doom.

What is ours?

Political Extremism

Before I say this, I will admit that I am a Democrat, I believe in compromise, I believe less in bloated defense budgets and more in taking care of the people.

I hate extremism in any form. Whether it be from stupid and soulless islamists that blow themselves up to idiots like the tea party that is nazi-fying our government.

What is the deal? The way a government works is simple to understand

People work, pay tax --> revenue

Government decides where to put revenue ---> policy

President agrees --> law.

However, no one is working. I don't have a job. That has more to do with my personal pain that keeps me inside all day. Other people who do not have agoraphobia are unemployed. This is unacceptable. Why is there unemployment? A SIN. GREED. Corporate greed. Spend some time working at wm and see it in action. I do not believe anyone should have more than $1 billion. If that is communism, so be it. How much is enough?

What do conservatives have to cling to? Cold War era defense spending? Right to have a gun policy? Stripping women of individual freedoms? Corporate governance? Taking care of their rich friends and screwing people like us?

I am 36 years old. I live at the hind end of the American Century. I have no hope for the future. I wish I had killed myself in 2008 so I would not have to feel this rage against inaction and willful disregard for the country.

No one in the Congress is innocent. No one should be in the Congress longer than 12 years at a time. How long has Senator McCain been in government? Or Senator Reid?

The entire House of Representatives should be abolished. If they can't do their job and legislate, they should be charged as traitors for endangering American national security by destroying our economy.

Why is raising taxes so hard? What do you gain by not raising them? A broke government? Why bitch about spending? Cut pay to everyone in the Congress.

I am not in support of crippling the military. I am not sure Sequestration will cripple the military. I have lived by Ft Hood all my life. I am not sure the Army will suffer so badly. That's because of the bloated nature of the Defense budget. We have weapons that can kill anyone anywhere at anytime. Ask that al-qaida guy killed last week.

No, I do not believe in the current members of the congress, none of them. I do believe in President Obama, since he is not the one promising to strip health care from people as his first priority.

I cannot stand conservatives. I cannot stand the nazi-like tea party. I cannot stand dudes that tie up the entire government with a pledge to not raise taxes. I mean, all reps who signed that, who are they loyal to? That guy or the USA?

It is Un-American as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow.

Compromise? Sure, I would make a deal only if it did not hurt people. They are hurting people now by not compromising. They should be put in jail.