No Care for Guys

I am male as you probably have noticed. This has been apparent since before I was born. I was gestating 37 years ago in this moment.

However, the time after proved to be triply hard to deal with. 

1. I was the only male grandchild until I was 12. Expectation.

2. I have a voracious sex drive, managed with self-pleasure.

3. I have a condition that seems to affect females more. 

That condition is the debilitating effects of my Anxiety Disorder. I talk about agoraphobia a lot. That's tough enough on its on. What other effects has it caused?

It has stress damaged my prostate gland. It ALWAYS hurts me to pee, especially if I am properly hydrated, I have to pee at least 10 times a day. 

My heart, I worry about it. When I have a panic attack, it seems to go into overdrive and pound pound pound. Sometimes it seems to skip a beat. If it did, would I be dead? I worry about this as I get older. 

That's right, I am scared of getting older. When I don't shave, the facial hair I have is mostly gray now. My hair isn't but when will that happen? 

I have noticed in my life that if you have a problem and you are male, you don't seem to get as much attention. Males are supposed to be tough. I am not that tough, I mean, how weak is it when I cannot go outside?

I hate not being able to express my feelings. I cannot without seeming like I am whining. I don't whine. 

I hate competing with anyone. Why should everything be a competition? Maybe this is why I never played any sports other than tennis. 

I wonder if I could still play tennis. It has been a long time since I did. 

Then there is the matter of being lonely. I do not want a sex friend. Those come easy, I want a female companion. Someone at least a little like me. However, if they were anything like me, how would I meet them?

No, I don't like being a hairy beast. I shave my body hair yes. It always grows back so if an intimate companion liked that sort of thing, it could be easily reversed by not shaving. 

I don't like the fact that I can't wear purple without seeming to be funny that way. I am not funny that way, purple for me is the color of my emotional pain. I wear it when I am sad.

I am a guy, I am not supposed to have emotional pain.

Why have a penis if I don't use it for its intended purpose, yet cutting it off would cause fatal bleeding. No, I will keep it and maybe when I am older, yes,  cutely older, I would be lucky. I am unattached and have no children. 

I don't have expectations like that. Every day, I wake up feeling uncomfortable, checking to see if I can move. I flex my hands and feet. Then put on my glasses. I have moderate myopia. I cannot see without my glasses.  It is unwise to wear them when sleeping. They could get broken that way and that is a major disaster, the breaking of something vital like eyeglasses. 

I wish I could just alter like in the Culture stories of Iain M Banks. That is not possible now, but I hope not always. I can't be the only one who feels this way.