Defense Mechanism

If you know anything about me, I love music. It is part of my life. I could not live without it. My radio is never off, I have 1000s of cd's. Days and days of music in my computer.

I listen to my computer through Skullcandy Hesh II headphones because it was what I could afford. It isn't bad at all, I am content with them.

I had a very dark moment, felt tears but a song played and this song helps so much. I found it on a compilation album in Amazon's digital music thingy.

When it played, I thought, I am here, maybe for a reason. After nearly four decades of life, I have not found it yet.

My interests are varied but heavy in science and history.

I don't know if you would like it but you can hear the song here Let It Be

Don't worry about me. I will be okay. I will get back to normal when I am not hungry and feeling this way.

Shave Image (Again)

It is that time again. I have to do it every so often. I am not me with facial hair. My self-image. It's like going without my glasses. I have worn glasses since I was 12, so it has become part of my self-image. I look funny without them, well, to me and others I know.

I don't know if the readers of this blog like my shave pictures. Would you like the shave check pictures of my chest, belly, private area? Didn't think so. These pictures are mainly for my own reference if I missed anything. I share the face ones to make a record of how aging (or entropy) is changing me.

Maybe you like it, I hope so.

Hurts to Shave

I have been shaving my face since about age 25. I guess I matured slowly that way and also in body some. That is not to say that I didn't mature sexually later, just in body.

I haven't really been told really how to shave. I never asked because like the fact that I use water instead of toilet tissue after #2, I just don't talk about it.

I have been looking for a better way to shave. Aveeno was part of that but even it has limitations. I mean, Postively Smooth, can be used to shave your kitty area or legs if you are that kind of girl. I know some who are.

Does it belong on a guy's face? I did research online and even wrote in to J&J to ask and they said it didn't matter who uses it, it helps either one. Yes,m it does help, particularly the aftershave gel. It soothes the burn and irritation. I take my shave check picture before putting it on because if I do cut myself, the blood makes a striking notice to when I do.


I didn't this time. I read that using hot water is wisest and I used skin reddening hot water to wash my face before. I like it when my pale skin turns red like in a hot bath. It looks cool to me.

Aside of taking a picture of that, and do you want to see me naked in the bath? I will just leave it to your imagination.

Here is what I did just about 20 minutes ago. I did manage a little smile for this picture.

Ouchy Shave

I hate shaving. I hate facial hair. It is not what I hate most about being male but it is a part of it. I will look into this Dollar Shave Club and see if it is any better. As I only shave every 6 days or so, it's not something I need on a great frequency.

The Aveeno shave gel works well but the razor, I mean like the teeth on an excavator, at least, that is how it feels.

It sounds sissy, I know, I have sensitive skin. This has been the case my whole life. It will probably get worse as I age. I don't really know.

I was hoping the Low T would do away with facial hair but it has not abated, making me wonder if that doctor was overreacting. I just don't know.

Anyway, here is a picture of this painful shave. Hate shaving, don't you?

Cold Returns

I have written about this before. It has not been a concern since the early part of May. It took a while this season to get to the 100 degree days typical of summers here.

Yet, they came and sweaty, sticky was the rule of the days. I can tolerate hot weather, I mean, every summer of my life, and I have been through 37 of them, has been roasty hot.

Cold is another matter. I get so cold. My feet go numb, as do my hands. I shiver, I wear heavy fabric sweatshirts and my Stars jersey. I dread going to the bathroom or taking a shower when it is cold, it gets COLD in here.

I am never barefooted if I can help it. Of course, I take my socks off when I bathe but usually the first thing I put on are a fresh pair of socks. I have to wear socks, I am uncomfortable without them.

Yes, I sleep with socks on, I have to. I can't stand my feet getting cold or tactile sensation as they are sensitive.

Cold is part of life. I mean, it could be worse. Think of the Neanderthal times, the Pleistocene, Ice Age. Cold was all the time there. I am glad that it isn't in our time.

Snow is rare here but it happens sometimes in the winter season, although a couple of years ago, it snowed in April here.

Also, it can ice up here pretty bad but that hasn't happened in the last few years. If this coming winter is a counterbalance to the bygone summer, it is going to be brutally cold.

I am not looking forward to it. My body just doesn't like cold.

Underwear 3

I have been trying different underwear because some of it hurts my prostate pain.

I discovered this one online store, Brief Tales, which offers and says guys should wear panties. They sent me some in a bonus pack and I tried them. Oh, should I admit that I enjoyed it?

Don't think for a moment that this feminizes me because I wore panties. It felt better than the heavy cotton fabric of normal briefs. The C-IN2 Core briefs are still my favorite. They are made of something that is not cotton but some kind of artificial fiber. Whatever, they feel good.

I ordered some more panties, just to see if I can wear them. They don't hurt me and keep my maleness secure unlike male cut briefs. I do not like having an erection to be honest. It is an annoyance.

This is not, repeat, not a sexual thing. I don't understand that whole underwear sex thing myself. It seems ridiculous.

Don't count on a picture of me in panties. They are not very good in hiding the shape of the maleness. I wear male small size briefs, female size 5. If it doesn't hurt, I like it.

I will only wear them during the early part of my laundry cycle. My C-IN2 briefs are black.

This will be the last post on underwear. I'll talk about something later.

Self-Hate

If you read this blog, you know I have Social Anxiety Disorder and disabling Agoraphobia. I am supposed to take a med for this but it has side effects I don't want to deal with right now.

I have stress-induced prostatitis. The tests that determined this were chronicled here. These tests destroyed my nudity inhibition.

I hate my genital-urinary system. It constantly hurts to some degree. There are times I can't pee. When I do, it is like a trail of fire up my urinary path. I cannot go to the urologist. They won't see me without health insurance, which will come in October. Two freaking months away.

I will come out and admit this, I may have before, I don't remember. I hate being male. I hate the constant need and feeling. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate attention and am cursed with over-sensitivity.

I cannot change. If I was 20 years younger, I would. I am not effeminate, though, so that would be hard. If it was easily possible, like in Iain M Banks' Culture novels, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Is this over-sensitivity, apparent since I was a kid, a female trait? Is my anxiety disorder a female trait? Most who have it are female. Do I have a female soul?

No, I am male and it will stay that way. I don't hate myself, I hate what I am. It's hardly uncommon.

By the way, I am way over on my internet allotment for the month. I don't want a huge bill so I will be offline until the next cycle begins, this coming wednesday.

Who reads this? Drop a message if you would. Are you interested in my life?

Why?

Political

I am of Democratic beliefs. I am not terribly liberal. I hate Conservatist obstructionists.

I am pro-choice, because denying anything like a medical procedure is wrong. I have no children. I am not sensitive to arguments about children.

I avoid political discussions usually, they tickle my anxiety something awful.

I am not female. I do not know really what makes the decision to abort a pregnancy. I am sensitive and have empathy for a hurt female. That decision has to hurt. A girl wouldn't be human if she did not regret. Yes, there are some who wouldn't care but I don't believe many are like that.

If a female decides to do this, she should have access to clean facilities and real doctors to ensure she won't have to go to somewhere dirty and risk life-threatening illness.

You may or may not know. I am a Texan. The morons in Austin seek to deny this safe and clean way to have this done. Is that not harmful? Making a female have a child, is that right?

Yes, it is her fault. Why couldn't she be content with masturbation? Getting pregnant is an alignment of sex and fertility. Takes two.

I have had only two sex affairs in my life. I did not make either of my girlfriends pregnant. It isn't that hard.

I do blame males. Bastards. If sex was not the driving force of your un-evolved mind, perhaps you would be more successful.

Do not look at me, I have a mental illness. I am content with the m-thing. Anxiety prevents me from the real thing.

Soap Allergy

I am allergic to a few things. Grass, typical, any kind of conifer tree, that's also typical. I am virulently allergic to cedar, pine and juniper. Try working in the Garden Center with that.

However, I am allergic to certain kinds of laundry/bath soap. The one I am most allergic to is Tide. I discovered this when I was a kid, I broke out in the inside of my right thigh and *gasp* my scrotum. It took months to heal.

As I got older and began stocking in the stores, I discovered powdered laundry soap triggers my allergies.

I do not know exactly what bath soap is making me break out, it is some kind of Axe I think, I have been using an unfamiliar kind instead of the excellent and safe Snake Peel.

I have stopped using that. I use Snake Peel when I feel sweaty/dirty. I use Dove Sensitive every other time. Sensitive skin ain't just a girl problem. I have sensitive skin. I always have and always will.

Because whatever made me break out now, I have red spots all over. You can see this in my nudie blog, though you need my permission to access that.

I have three real bad areas on my back and right shoulder that picking at draws blood. I am self-injurious when my anxiety is provoked. Anything can cause that. I kinda like seeing blood on my pale skin, which is kinda disturbing.

I can say with certainty that soap and stress and diet play a part in this. I can't 'not' feel anxiety. It is like asking you to not breathe. A panic attack is stress magnified. I had one yesterday while visiting a small wm.

I avoid things that cause anxiety. That keeps me in an agoraphobic loop that keeps me in the house all day for months at a time.

I avoid things that cause allergies. I don't roll around in the grass or go anywhere near the million juniper trees around here.

I use the Sensitive soap and it should be okay.

You can e~mail me at arthelius@gmail.com if you want to see my nudie blog.