Suicide Note

 I've decided to end my life soon. I will not say when or how. 

This serves as my suicide note. I want people to understand I only wanted a better life. Not this constant pain.

I gave money to build up Bitcoin and it is a lot. But Kaitlyn, who is helping me, she can't do it for some reason. She should not have contacted me at all, I would not be in this situation.

So I am being thrown out of my home of 10 years. Just as well, I never liked it here. 

I have given my reasons and I know people will miss me, or be angry, I don't give a fuck. You didn't help me so there's that. 

I had intended to do this in 2010 but something stopped me, nothing is now. 

I say goodbye to my friends. I am sorry, Angela. 

I will quote from the song that means most to me, I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.

That is a fact. I am signing off as Ar-Ghost, this is my last post. 

Reasons

I have suicidal feelings. It is important to learn some things about me:

I have always intended that when my mom was gone, Id be too. It's been nearly 3 years since. Why am I still here?

I am alone here since my sister left. I do not know if I will ever see her again. Alone is bad, my anxiety is worse and I can't do anything. 

My SS benefit is too small for everything so food suffers. I have lost over 14 lbs and I am constantly hungry, tend to overeat. 

The torn labrum in my right hip will never heal. It hurts constantly and yet, I can still walk but it's getting harder. 

I cannot pay my bills because of a sent check is in fedex's hands and they are slow. 

I have anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. They will be the death of me if I don't choose to end it first. 

I have no intention of ending my life but if the feeling gets worse, may cross a line from which there is no return. 

Why I Will End My Life

It's time for the truth to come out. 

Understand, I met a girl on FB called Kaitlyn. She is divorced, lives in CO and is involved in various schemes to get money.

She says she loves me, wants to have sex with me. But something feels wrong about this. We had a goal to match the withdrawal fee for 1.7 bitcoin. All had to be done to get it, so I gave all I had to make it happen and it has not in the short term. 

I will give it time, those things don't work in a timely fashion. 

So I have nothing again. She promises to help but will it come too late?

I consider how I will end my life, with my medications, with a knife or hanging. Or a combination of all three. 

I'm tired of walking everywhere, tired of the conditions here. Tired of being alone since my sister abandoned me. 

What is the point of my life? I turn 50 this year. I have no children. I have no family of my own. I have nothing. Not even food. 

That alone is most troubling. 

I won't leave without saying goodbye. 

It remains to be seen if this will be the case. 

 

Why I Have Food Insecurity

I have had recurring food insecurity for several months now. Why does this keep happening?

Literally, half my benefit goes to rent. My SS benefit is 1026, rent is 500. Like not enough to do anything.

Then last year I inherited my mom's car which wasn't paid for yet and they asked me if I wanted to keep it. I said no, I can't afford it. And so I have not a car since. I have to walk with a torn labrum in my right hip. 

Then maybe it doesn't matter but I am 49 soon. I should live better than this but I can't as long as this keeps happening. 

What is the alternative, ending my life? I still have stories to write and I do have a GF such as she is.

I guess I will starve. My sister cant help me until next Thursday, so that means three or four days with nothing to eat because I couldnt afford it. And I do not eat expensive things. 

I pray for colon cancer to end this. I always thought when my mom was gone, Id be too. Im still here. Why?

Yes, I am Hurting

My right hip has arthritis. It hurts more when it is cold. 

This insignificant to my anxiety and grief pain.

I do not want to end my life. I have many stories yet to write. I have the promise of Sala. But it is too hard and may take a long time. 

A long time I may not have. Anyone feels anxiety about money. Normally being broke does not bother me but this time it is different. I have no help from my sister.

I am afraid of applying for food help. What does that mean if I cannot take care of myself because my SS benefit is too small?

I adjusted to a cheaper insurance plan with more benefits but it doesn't take effect for two months. 

I am hurting intensely mentally. I do not know how I can deal with this. No one wants to help. What's the point in asking?

Maybe I am unwanted. No one likes me that way. Sala? She shows indifference sometimes. 

Instead, she can come to my grave. 

I cannot deal with living like this. The tv bill wasn't paid so I will lose it sometime later in the month. There is not a cheaper plan. I looked. What's the point? Nothing appeals to me anymore. 

I cannot watch movies because I get anxiety and upset. Even ones I know like Rambo. 

The cold causes cedar to pollinate. It wasn't cold enough yet but winter hasn't begun yet. We are barely into the Autumn. 

I will not hurt myself yet but I cannot promise it won't happen. Hurting like this is tough.  

Uncertainty Pain

So begins the month of my birth. 

I have an unknown amount of birthdays left, if things keep happening. 

My mom's death has devastated my budget. I am broke mere hours after I received my SS benefit. This is not supposed to happen. 

I worry a lot. It is my nature to. But I am reminded that my mom is gone every day. 

I have not found a way to deal with it. 

I hate being human. I should have been a monkey and gone a long time ago.

But Fate is cruel like this. 

I cannot promise I will be there in the future. I feel more despair every day. 

How much is enough? None of my medications are right to do what MM did. Though taking a 3 month supply of venlafaxine might do the trick. Don't think I have not thought of it. 

I cannot 'not' feel this. I am mentally ill. 3 different psychologists said so. Asking someone to get over it is an insult and inconsiderate. 

I cannot live broke for 30 days. I can't do laundry. My quarters for the water machine will run out. I may have food insecurity later in the month. 

I gave up my loan because it became too expensive. It went to getting my laptop, ev even if it is a repurposed business one. 

I know I will need a new computer in 2025 when Windows 10 is cancelled. That short sighted and insensitive decision should get the CEO fired forthwith. Millions of computers become electronic waste, the worst kind of pollution. 

I have anxiety about this. 

I have anxiety about life after my mom, which I thought I could not survive.

I may not.  

Improving

While I am subject to powerful grief, I remember how bad my mom's pain was and all the things she suffered in her life. Few could have survived what she did. 

But don't get me wrong. I recognize that I have a lot of years to go and if it isn't cut short by potential colon cancer. I will live to 2050 to see the so-called 'singularity'. 

I expect that elder care will improve by the time I am elderly in the 2040s. 

But I will always have gout and anxiety disorder. 

I matured some after my dad was gone. I may have matured more now. I am getting my personality back but I don't need my grief provoked. 

I will always miss my mom. 

I will be here if anyone wants to talk. I am not social but I do like to talk. I have a hard time on a video call. 

I don't like to talk on the phone. I never have. 

An Admission

 Two years ago, my mom was in the hospital for bacterial pneumonia. She recovered. But was in the hospital for 42 days. 

In that time, the hope she would return helped me. 

Then she got sick with the same thing. I do not know the cause. I am not sick. I had a light case of pneumonia as a teenager after working in the rain. I know how tough it is. But it didn't cause death. With treatment, it doesn't always cause death. 

Instead my mom had congestive heart failure after they over-hydrated her. I do not know all the details but my sister does. She will have to handle this. I cannot.

I am falling apart mentally. I have anxiety all the time despite my medication. 

I have moments of extreme grief.

In January of 2015, my dad told me to always take care of her. 

I failed. My mom got sick and she's gone.

This hurts so much. 

I thought two years ago I would not be able to take it if my mom was gone. I was right. 

I always thought I would go when she did. Like Robert E Howard did when his mom died.

But I can't. I have Sala. I have my classmate Dwayne. Why cause them the feeling I have?

I will always have stories to write. I will always have my music. 

But they are not helping. Spore isn't helping. Nothing is. 

I don't know what I will do. I am facing bills that will take all my benefit to pay. What way is this to live?

 I don't want help. Well, not financially. I will need help with my mom's things.  

This pain will never go. Even if me and Sala have our own family. It depends on too much drama. But it has to be done. 

My mom told me that I would be okay. How? She knew I am mentally fucked up. 

I can't live by myself. My anxiety disorder will kill me. 

Not too soon. 

New Angel

 My mom has passed away. Someone who has been there all my life. Now she is gone and her rest is deserved after all the pain she had been through, physically and emotionally. My dad was gone and her best friend was gone and then her back had many problems. 

She would not want me to break down. She would say it is okay but it's not.

I knew this was a potential. I knew she had been sick. 

Now it's just me and my sister and we have a rocky relationship. 

I do not know what I will do. The suicidal thoughts will return when the shock fades. 

I do not know if I can deal with her service. 

I will be here. I have to do laundry but not hers. Not anymore. I could break down. 

I need help. I cannot deal with this. I can barely write. She is with my dad again. 

She earned her angel's halo. 

Another

My mom is in the hospital again. Unlike before, this is an existential thing.

I must say I have never been too far from her. She needs the help but also my mental stability. 

I never had a life of my own. I don't have a female love nor children. I don't really contribute to the Greater Good. 

So I have recurrent suicidal thinking. I won't do it yet. I have to believe my mom will get better.

I don't have stability. I try to do my normal things and it causes a lot of emotional pain  because my mom is not there. 

It is unseemly for a guy to cry. Fuck that patriarchal bs. I do cry. It hurts a lot. 

I know she will be gone one day. I do not know if I will survive that. 

I am here. I am not going to hurt myself but the feeling is there. I don't want to cause anyone pain like I feel. A lot of people know me but do not know this.

Then this war in Israel bothers me. That and water scarcity like we had when rthe single water feed pipe for the whole town ruptured. It's fixed but no one trusts the water. Then the lake is drying up because it's been so dry. You can count on one hand how many times it has rained here since the beginning of the year. 

That's going to continue. Humanity cannot be changed. So the Earth will change to wipe us out. Just think of next summer when it's 130 degrees outside. 

No other species deserves extinction more. 

Regardless

I did laundry at the laundromat today. I ran out of quarters so some things did not dry but my agoraphobia is stronger than waiting for it.

Why does every do laundry on Mondays? Doesn't anyone have a job? 

Then it's like rudeness. People look at you like you have a yellow chicken suit on. 

Looks, attention, that affects my anxiety most. I have panic sweat and it was 67 outside. 

I think most people have meaningless lives. They contribute nothing and nothing matters to them. 

I have distain for other people. You work in a busy store and see how you feel. Working for Walmart ruined my life.

Say what you will to say you matter. You don't. No one truly does.

We should have remained australopithecines. Or better yet, not apes at all. Human was a big mistake and whatever extinctes us came 1000s of years too late. 

 

Hydration

 I developed gout in my right foot late last year. It was severely painful and my foot swelled to look like that of the Michelin Man.

The doctor had x-rays taken. I was 'not allowed' to see them, even if it is my foot and my bones. 

I got two medicines which made gout go down. The pain went away though if I walk too much it hurts a little. My foot is not presently swollen and my hip hurts more than my foot but for a different reason. I am not going to talk about my right hip pain until it is looked at. 

Ever since, I drink A LOT of water. I know when uric acid is being excreted when the pee has a golden tint, not like dehydration yellow. I drink water to flush the uric acid out of my body which is a preventative measure.

Gout will return eventually. It is incurable. I have a genetic weakness to it. I do not know which of my ancestors had gout. My parents did not. 

I pee extremely frequently. Thank goodness my prostate issues went away but what is this doing to my kidneys? I have not noticed any pain or sign like blood in pee, which I have seen only once when my prostate was infected over 9 years ago. 

I am reticent to go find a sex friend because of this. My hydration reflex is fast. I drink water and I have to pee less than 10 minutes later. 

So if I am seen at the ice machine, which the water is 25 cents a gallon, so often, that is why. 

I am liable to see the doctor some time in the summer. I dont like being indebted even if I have insurance. 

I am okay. My foot is okay, as long as I stay hydrated. 

Hurt

Two days ago, I went to the Post Office to check the mail. There was none in the age of Dejoy's destruction of the USPS. That's another topic much written about elsewhere. 

I was leaving. There was ice on the area just off the step down. The parking lot is all concrete.

I mainly wear a gray pair of Saucony Jazz shoes. They don't hurt my feet. They have a tread usually well suited for walking.

Only, when I tentatively stepped on the ice, my foot slid out and I fell hard on my back.

I hit my head, toward the back of the top of the head. I landed on the ice and it might have prevented a concussion.

 I was knocked silly. I was stunned. I could not move for several moments.

My head felt like I was sleepy when I wasn't. I did not realize my glasses went flying when I hit the ground.

I remember thinking why can't I see? And staggered over to find my glasses on the concrete. They were not damaged. 

I made it over to the car and waited for several moments before I automatically drove back home.

My mom said I should go to the emergency room. I did. She took me.

I sat in a chair in the triage room, hooked to a blood pressure and blood oxygen level machine. Its screen was incomprehensible but then I wasn't all there mentally at the time.

I sat there for over an hour before the doctor came and looked at me. He said I suffered a contusion. No concussion.

I know what a concussion feels like. I had one when I fell off the porch when I was a kid. It wasn't like that much at all.

It was more like being hit with a brick or something similar.  

My body strained to get up so I have muscle pain. It is fading. 

My mentality returned as I sat in that chair. So, by the time I was released, I was fairly normal but not quite. That happened over time after and after sleeping.

I'm okay now. I have those pains but they'll go. I was told to take Tylenol for pain but I'm not hurting that bad. I suspect I will if I did something strenuous. 

I will not until I am totally healed. 

I will not even attempt to walk on ice in the future. It wasn't a wise decision. I know better now. 

T-Mobile Sucks

Get this. Last month, I tried to get more data. My last plan I had for several years was inadequate.

So, I asked for a new plan. So you understand, the only thing I have had on T-Mobile is a data plan. A hotspot. I've had one crappy ZTE one that came apart. I had then an Alcatel link zone that works fine but is obsolete now. I presently have a better Franklin T9 hotspot that is fine. I've had it only two months. 

A moronic T-Mobile employee caused this trouble by switching my plan to a phone plan. 

I've had an AT&T phone for 20 years. I wouldn't have a T-Mobile phone if it was given to me. I didn't ask for or wanted a phone plan. I have only ever had a data plan.

The result: I've been offline since January 5th. I thought it's February now but it didn't come on. I asked why. They said it was their system where any change cannot be done until the next business cycle in March. 

So I have no internet for two fucking months. Am I upset? Wouldn't you be? I've been online since I had a WebTV. For over 20 years now. So you understand I'm stressed and it's stupifying. 

I'll be okay. I have other things to do. But if you are considering going to T-Mobile, please don't. You'll be screwed for sure. 

Avoid it like the plague

Pain

 Last Wednesday, my foot started to hurt really bad. Its my right foot and I'm loathe to show it all swollen and red.

So, I went to the doctor today and was diagnosed with gout arthritis. It is intensely painful and any pressure on my foot is extremely painful. 

I cannot get meds until another day to go. I can barely walk. I have learned what to avoid and it is doable but damned if I'm going to give up tea. 

I drink mostly water now. It's not like it appeals to me but it's how it is.

They say it'll go away in a few days but it's been almost a week and it's as intense as ever. I don't know what to do but get an arthritis cream that will ease this awful pain. 

I have trouble sleeping and my foot cannot even tolerate the blanket on it. It's the worst thing to happen to me as I age. That is why I fear aging. That dark day two weeks from now, when I turn another year older.

I will post a picture of my foot later. It's still swollen. I wonder if this is penance for something. I didn't do anything to deserve it.☹️

A Fear

I am convinced that Covid-19 is just the beginning. It seems tailored to sicken and kill the weak and males. The virus in indiscriminate in whom it kills.

Vaccination is essential in protecting oneself and others from the virus particles you spread just by breathing. 

You will be judged when the time comes if you knowingly spread the illness by refusing vaccination or restrictions like distancing and mask wearing. It is not a matter of freedom.

Those people deserve what happens to them. They chose it for themselves. 

I was vaccinated in the spring time. I suffered no illness and the sore arm went away quickly enough. In fact, the second shot was not even felt. 

I don't want anyone to get bad sick or die. That is not my choice. I or you cannot tell others what to do. 

So, get vaccinated, wear a mask. Distance 6 feet, 2 meters if possible. 

I consider it a civic duty. Too many people seem to have forgotten civics class. 

Holiday?

It must be said I do not have a family of my own. I don't have a companion or children. My life now is duty to my mom.

I see families on tv, multiple kids, a wife and happiness. I do not have this. 

Why? I have always been shy. It became agoraphobia over time. I developed anxiety disorder and had to quit walmart because I was stressed to the point of harming myself with a box cutter. I started but remembered my faith. It saved me. 

I'm not particularly religious and I am much too much into science but I still believe. 

I have one relationship with a female in Ghana. I am not ready to talk about Sala.

I do not know if I could have a companion. Strange people affect my anxiety. If my own Aunt does, what do you think a stranger would do? 

I was reminded when my mom was in the hospital last summer that I cannot live on my own. I could not deal with the constant fear, even if it is not justified. Anything can cause it, even memories, my own heartbeat, or a dog barking. 

I don't do much. I sit here and listen to music or play Spore. Yes, I do tire of it after so many years. 

Years ago I found it easy to get into a sexual relationship. But I'm not so cute now. 

I get anxiety when a female looks at me. I abhor attention. It's not a natural behavior but I am mentally ill yet still rational. I'm not that kind of sick. 

I don't pay attention to the tv. I listen to it. But the news bothers me and I just tune it out.

I could talk to someone, maybe. I don't know. I have a cell phone.

I am strongly attracted to females. I am not funny that way like my dad said for years because I didn't have a girlfriend. I still don't.

I don't know if I could. I cannot stand drama. It and driving are the two biggest irritants to driving.

My 2nd covid vaccine shot is soon. I will be 'fully' vaccinated in June some time. What is the point? I don't go out but a handful times in a month and that is mainly to check the mail.

I did it because it is a civic duty. The nebulous fear of coronavirus but my own natural avoidance helps me like that. I have been avoidant since I was teenager.

When my mom is gone, my duty ends and pain and grief will destroy me. What is the point in living after that?

What is the point now?  

Hurricane Laura

 This is Hurricane Laura. 

This is a meta-disaster.

This is a side effect of climate change. 

The idiocy of conservatives would have you believe the earth would even out and solve this on its own.

What utter bullshit. This storm went from a measly tropical storm to a category 4 tropical cyclone in a matter of hours. 

I feel for the people in the areas affected. A 20 foot storm surge. Whole towns under water. Fetid stinking water full of garbage and alligators and snakes and who knows what else. 

This will keep happening. The world is changing. This happened before in the Paleocene. Only this time it's not natural. It's because of we human apes destroy what we touch. No species deserves extinction but we do. Very much. Mount Toba didn't do it. Nor did the black plague, not even coronavirus. What will end us would be truly epic. 

But this post is about a terrible disaster affecting the area that needs it the least. I hope people heeded the warnings and evacuated. If not. God help them. 

Canceled

The survey exam was canceled. Another instance of being unneeded. 

Why does this keep happening? Things don't happen for whatever reason. I shouldn't have bothered to begin with.

I am getting worse the longer my mom is in the hospital. I know nothing. My sister handles all that and she is not exactly helpful. 

I don't know which makes it much worse. 

I will be here. It's not like I am needed anywhere. 

Lab Rat

I signed up for a Low T (testosterone) study. 

Some years ago, I went to Austin for a prediabetes exam. I did not have it but they discovered a rather low T level. 

I know some things about me have become apparent. No, it's not my ever-worse anxiety disorder or hypertension. It's my ability to do some things.

It's not nice to talk about some things but they are male things. I am not different from other males. It is just I am mentally sick and that is the difference.

I go on thursday to see if I can be part of this study. If so,  may have an improvement. If not, well. I'm usually superfluous as a human being. This may be no different. 

I will share my  experience with this. 

Maybe by then my mom will be out of the hospital. But the fear is ever-more there.