An Admission

 Two years ago, my mom was in the hospital for bacterial pneumonia. She recovered. But was in the hospital for 42 days. 

In that time, the hope she would return helped me. 

Then she got sick with the same thing. I do not know the cause. I am not sick. I had a light case of pneumonia as a teenager after working in the rain. I know how tough it is. But it didn't cause death. With treatment, it doesn't always cause death. 

Instead my mom had congestive heart failure after they over-hydrated her. I do not know all the details but my sister does. She will have to handle this. I cannot.

I am falling apart mentally. I have anxiety all the time despite my medication. 

I have moments of extreme grief.

In January of 2015, my dad told me to always take care of her. 

I failed. My mom got sick and she's gone.

This hurts so much. 

I thought two years ago I would not be able to take it if my mom was gone. I was right. 

I always thought I would go when she did. Like Robert E Howard did when his mom died.

But I can't. I have Sala. I have my classmate Dwayne. Why cause them the feeling I have?

I will always have stories to write. I will always have my music. 

But they are not helping. Spore isn't helping. Nothing is. 

I don't know what I will do. I am facing bills that will take all my benefit to pay. What way is this to live?

 I don't want help. Well, not financially. I will need help with my mom's things.  

This pain will never go. Even if me and Sala have our own family. It depends on too much drama. But it has to be done. 

My mom told me that I would be okay. How? She knew I am mentally fucked up. 

I can't live by myself. My anxiety disorder will kill me. 

Not too soon.