Look at it this way. On a warm spring night 20 years ago at Badger Field, we received our diplomas. Mine was far from certain, I had a weak math score and graduation hinged on one test. I passed somehow and I got to go to the big dance.
If nothing, that experience taught me that perhaps I don't belong. I am intelligent in other things, astronomy, English, biology. I developed some of my interests after high school. I mean, I didn't know who Akhenaten was during high school. It is not like the school library had anything about that contentious time in Ancient Egypt. I worked in it at the circulation desk. I helped catalog most of the library as the computer system was new back then.
Computers. I did not have a personal computer until 2003. I had a WebTV before and was content with that until I learned the value of WordPerfect and writing on a pc.
I could have gotten one before then, but I did not like computers. I was afraid I wouldn't understand. But I learned. It was all good until Windows 8 came along but that debacle deserves another post.
Back to the subject here, that warm spring evening 20 years ago. I have not seen 99% of my classmates in person since that warm spring night.
I don't go outside. I have a hard time just going to the post office. Saturday is a bad day as it is in the middle of my laundry cycle and I wear WWE tees in this time, can't go to a societal function like that.
I have SOCIAL Anxiety Disorder. If I can't go see my friends since HS, especially those in K-town, how could I go see people who weren't my friends in school? My friends will not be there.
I do not have a medication as I stopped taking celexa some time ago. I could go see the doctor but that is also panic bait.
This class reunion is panic bait. I don't want panic. I feel bad enough dealing with the pain in my fingers and toes. I have been upset because of this anticipation.
I don't mean to upset anyone. I don't know. It is not intentional. If I was not mentally ill, I'd go in a second.
But that is now how things are.
There is also the admission cost. You have no way of knowing the trouble of last month, the running out of things. There is no reason I should run out of oj but I did for 11 days last month.
Add to this the fact that my debit card broke in half. It went through the wash and was destroyed. No telling when the bank will get off its collective posterior and send me a new one.
So, I have only what I have on hand. I will save it for oj when I run out, which is soon. I cannot maintain the future sugar death when things run out.
That, too, I have a bit of a belly. It is more apparent when I wear jeans, not so apparent when I naked. I tend to eat a lot when I have dinner so that can effect it. For most of the day, it is typical.
My belly does not belong on an otherwise slim body. I cannot go exercise to get rid of it. Anxiety says, 'nope'. I tried to go and couldn't.
I got some new music instead.
Nothing's really standing out, which upsets me some. Can't pick a winner all the time.
The location of the reunion. In a winery. Um, hello, I have written here on several occasions why I consider alcohol a wholly avoidable poison.
This winery is in an area I have not been in a very long time. That is panic bait, going somewhere unfamiliar.
Consider this, I had a metascale panic attack when I bought my laptop computer in a store I have been to 1000s of times last September.
What do you think would happen in a biz I ordinarily wouldn't patronize? I don't belong in places like that.
I don't go where I do not belong, that is panic bait.
I apologize to the organizer and the others. If you had been there 10 years ago when these problems manifested, then you probably could have helped.
Goodness knows I needed it.
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