If you read this blog, you know I have Social Anxiety Disorder and disabling Agoraphobia. I am supposed to take a med for this but it has side effects I don't want to deal with right now.
I have stress-induced prostatitis. The tests that determined this were chronicled here. These tests destroyed my nudity inhibition.
I hate my genital-urinary system. It constantly hurts to some degree. There are times I can't pee. When I do, it is like a trail of fire up my urinary path. I cannot go to the urologist. They won't see me without health insurance, which will come in October. Two freaking months away.
I will come out and admit this, I may have before, I don't remember. I hate being male. I hate the constant need and feeling. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate attention and am cursed with over-sensitivity.
I cannot change. If I was 20 years younger, I would. I am not effeminate, though, so that would be hard. If it was easily possible, like in Iain M Banks' Culture novels, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Is this over-sensitivity, apparent since I was a kid, a female trait? Is my anxiety disorder a female trait? Most who have it are female. Do I have a female soul?
No, I am male and it will stay that way. I don't hate myself, I hate what I am. It's hardly uncommon.
By the way, I am way over on my internet allotment for the month. I don't want a huge bill so I will be offline until the next cycle begins, this coming wednesday.
Who reads this? Drop a message if you would. Are you interested in my life?
Why?
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