She knows I have anxiety disorder but continues to wale on it like whipping it with a barbed wire wrapped stick.
She was doing this as I was getting ready to go wash my clothes for the first time in three weeks. Oh, so angry, shaking. She caused extreme panic last night by running all the gas out of the truck so that I barely made it to Cove. Talk about a white-knuckle ride, it was.
Now, it was generally known that I was going to wash clothes. I had to do another thing that is nearing its completion.
My sister's harangue caused a panic reaction so I forgot what shoes I was wearing. I had to avoid before she provokes a suicidal panic.
So, I left the house, only to find the Laundromat I have used for almost 20 years is closed. I went to a newer one that is more expensive and had to endure an hour of 'The Dog Whisperer'. (ick... :( I don't think so.) An unfamiliar area and the general discomfort of sunlight and people speaking a language I have a limited understanding of (Spanish).
This was awful. I had to go to the bank for more quarters. I hadn't noticed until I was leaving to go back to the truck. My shoes....
If I had a gun, I would shoot myself. My sister caused the anxiety that led to me wearing the wrong shoes. I can't believe it. It's not like I can feel a difference. They fit the same.
I don't know if I will be okay. You know, Hate Sunday is coming up.
I am posting a picture of my shoes so you can see. It's fucking stupid. I feel terrible. Stupid. Unworthy.
This would be my old shoe and new shoe, both New Balance. I went into the sunlight to show this.
I am serious. I thought about hanging myself. Then something I read a long time ago that when a male is hung, he generally has an involuntary erection. I don't want to be found like that. So I dismissed this for the time being but you know, it is going to happen again.
It may be time to use my Medicare and go get help before I do act on this thinking and kill myself.
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