No Love

Being inundated with commercials on tv about love being that St. Valentine's Day is nigh. How do you think that makes me feel?

Go back into the archive of my blog and you'll see when Jen was my girlfriend. It ended abruptly about this time of year in 2009. For a girl to say a video game means more to her than I did. I, ME, I terminated our relationship. How disrespectful and cruel can that be?!

I will never forgive her for that.

She wants to be my 'friend' still. No way, girl. I have never been hurt that way. I don't want to go through it again.

How has she affected my life? I hate green day with a passion because of her. I turn off the radio when they play. I reaffirmed my hatred of dogs because of her. Oh, just mentioning sex to her was a taboo subject. From a 30 year old female?!


I hate Warcraft because that was the game she said meant more than her. A fly by night plagiarized fantasy epic. Yes, it seems successful but it pales into comparison with Final Fantasy 7.

Sooner or later, Square-Enix will come along with something ultra awesome, they have before.

But this post is not about video games.

It is about the lonely life I have because of a girl. The Jen Effect.

Maybe I was not a good boyfriend. She never could understand why I have agoraphobia. She lacked empathy like that.

But understand, she was not a good girlfriend. She only called me when she wanted something. I took her home from work most nights. I never go to a public place to eat but I did for her. She made me go to movies I don't watch normally. She didn't like anything I do, Hard SF, Trance music, I liked Chill a lot then but it is not so appealing now. She hated it.

She considered the stories I write meaningless. Stupid girl, they are therapy for me.

It has been a long time now. I have not seen her in person since a few days before I left wm altogether. I don't want to ever see her again.

I am apprehensive about getting into another relationship. It just isn't worth tickling my anxiety feathers.

I won't write about Jen anymore. Some pain can be avoided. She doesn't use the web, or she didn't then. If she reads this, KMA Jen, demoness.

Could she be to blame for some of this agoraphobia? I think so. I used to be able to go somewhere, do stuff. I haven't been to the lake in 11 years. I haven't seen a movie in the theater since 'Avatar'. I used to go to Killeen all the time, only twice in the 5 years I have been away from wm.

It is hopeless and why I believe my life will end with suicide one day.