Holiday Sadness

Over my adult life, when I started to lose hope of a family of my own, I came to dread the holiday season.

I don't like holidays. I don't like commercialism. I mean, my distant ancestors held a pagan winter festival this time of the year. Commercialism has changed that.

I feel sad when commercials on the tv constantly bombard one with the reminders of how great kids are or getting that gift for your loved one.

I don't have a loved one.

My anxiety disorder makes it incredibly hard to go outside. Well, yes, I do go to the store, at night, but that is only because I have to.

I want to do things like see the ocean again, to go see some friends, to see how much familiar places from long ago have changed. I would like to see the GG Bridge for myself. I have heard about it my whole life.

Now do you really think I can go to California? I can't deal with going to the capital of the state I live in. Pure panic when I was there last week.

No, I have a loveless life and that is slowly destroying me. I doubt seriously any female will take an interest in me, or that my anxiety will let her in.

I don't like the holidays. They are almost over. I can celebrate January 12th as Ar-Ghost Day, a totally random day to say, yes, I am still here.

Anxiety hasn't killed me... yet.