Admission

Why the guilt, the stress, the unhappiness? I admit that I have a suicidal feeling. I am trying hard to resist it. Deactivating my facebook account was part of this.

I am not some teenage girl bullied to the point of hanging myself. That is reprehensible and senseless.

I feel a deeper pain than they do. I am 38 years old, disabled by my anxiety disorder.

I can't go outside, it won't let me. I can't go see friends or meet a new girlfriend because it won't let me.

Not that any woman would have anything to do with me. My life is designed not to be exciting. Been alone here too long.

I feel ugly. I feel sick inside because of this. I don't know how to say what it feels like.

It is a cage, a shield, feathers, all encompassing. Strangling my soul.

I cannot put into words how anxiety disorder feels. You can't understand unless you have it. I share this condition with many others and we all feel the same.

I will try to be calm, try not to hurt myself. I mean, I don't like being hurt. Who does? My hurt is mental and it is a traumatic hurt.

Oh, and the prostate thing, I am having trouble peeing. I could go into detail but do ya really want to know?

That bothers me, too.

There were thunderstorms today. I have said before, thunderstorms stroke my anxiety. Today was no exception. Woke up too early and could not go back to sleep. Can't do anything about the weather.

The power failed here for like 10 seconds. That may not seem like a big deal but my computer was on and a story I was writing was on. Thank goodness for timed backup.

I wish I could go out and do things but it is just not possible with this anxiety strangle.

Sorry if this bothers you. It is how I feel.