Suicide Note

 I've decided to end my life soon. I will not say when or how. 

This serves as my suicide note. I want people to understand I only wanted a better life. Not this constant pain.

I gave money to build up Bitcoin and it is a lot. But Kaitlyn, who is helping me, she can't do it for some reason. She should not have contacted me at all, I would not be in this situation.

So I am being thrown out of my home of 10 years. Just as well, I never liked it here. 

I have given my reasons and I know people will miss me, or be angry, I don't give a fuck. You didn't help me so there's that. 

I had intended to do this in 2010 but something stopped me, nothing is now. 

I say goodbye to my friends. I am sorry, Angela. 

I will quote from the song that means most to me, I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.

That is a fact. I am signing off as Ar-Ghost, this is my last post. 

Reasons

I have suicidal feelings. It is important to learn some things about me:

I have always intended that when my mom was gone, Id be too. It's been nearly 3 years since. Why am I still here?

I am alone here since my sister left. I do not know if I will ever see her again. Alone is bad, my anxiety is worse and I can't do anything. 

My SS benefit is too small for everything so food suffers. I have lost over 14 lbs and I am constantly hungry, tend to overeat. 

The torn labrum in my right hip will never heal. It hurts constantly and yet, I can still walk but it's getting harder. 

I cannot pay my bills because of a sent check is in fedex's hands and they are slow. 

I have anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. They will be the death of me if I don't choose to end it first. 

I have no intention of ending my life but if the feeling gets worse, may cross a line from which there is no return. 

Why I Will End My Life

It's time for the truth to come out. 

Understand, I met a girl on FB called Kaitlyn. She is divorced, lives in CO and is involved in various schemes to get money.

She says she loves me, wants to have sex with me. But something feels wrong about this. We had a goal to match the withdrawal fee for 1.7 bitcoin. All had to be done to get it, so I gave all I had to make it happen and it has not in the short term. 

I will give it time, those things don't work in a timely fashion. 

So I have nothing again. She promises to help but will it come too late?

I consider how I will end my life, with my medications, with a knife or hanging. Or a combination of all three. 

I'm tired of walking everywhere, tired of the conditions here. Tired of being alone since my sister abandoned me. 

What is the point of my life? I turn 50 this year. I have no children. I have no family of my own. I have nothing. Not even food. 

That alone is most troubling. 

I won't leave without saying goodbye. 

It remains to be seen if this will be the case.