My Anxiety

About my anxiety disorder. 

I am able to go to some places, familiar places. If no one touches me or gets in my space, I'm okay. I don't like attention. I am a ghost, that is, someone rarely seen. I don't go out other than to go to the store. Not an easy thing for me. 

My hands shake when my anxiety is stroked. How to hide this from others? Show my fear? My fear is uncontrollable. I cannot not feel anxiety. It is part of me.

I went to a familiar place yesterday. I can drive okay but I feel a sick tightening in my stomach and prostate. This hurts physically. 

I am going to the doctor now that I have the money to pay for it and I will get  a new med. I am also going to get my prostate checked (something NOT fun) and ask about exercising. 

I have a belly, I have a high sugar diet, my freaking insatiable sweet tooth. I drink sweet tea most of the time.

I cannot drink much soda. It hurts my prostate like the urologists said it would. I drank a 1 liter Coca-Cola earlier and really hurt because of it. That is sad because I like it so. 

I weigh 68 kilos, which is average for me over the past five years. 

Now what would you think? A 37-year-old guy who can't really go outside?

Never married, only had two girlfriends over my lifetime, not looking like I will have another one. It is too much trouble or else, I have not met the right one.  Isn't going to happen here.

My anxiety makes that tough, too. I can't look at a female because I am anxious and seemingly weak. Not a good first impression.

Jen left an indelible mark on my heart. I am not so easy to trust again.

My anxiety protects me this way.