Misery

I am very upset. You may know from past posts I am on social security, I have severe anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. I do not go anywhere but to the store and the laundromat. Not because it is easy or places I don't feel anxiety, it is because I have to. Like I have to breathe or go to the bathroom. That kind of unavoidable have to. I do not go out by choice or invite.

Three years ago tonight, my dad went to sleep and never woke up. Since he has been gone, it has been grief and more grief. 

Ever since, my mom, I do not know what she is thinking. Been giving her money to this mysterious man I have no idea of. If I see him, I'll take a baseball bat to his head. 

We got evicted from a better apartment in 16, were homeless for five months. Because she did not have money because she gave it away. 

She wised up and didn't do it but now again, she gave her money away. So it falls to me, I am selfless, you know, to cover her car payment and the rent here. 

So that leaves me with 56 cents, a dozen hours after I received my benefit. 

Am I angry? Anger does not serve when I can do nothing about it. 

I am upset to the core. I could not get a data pass this month, so the one I am on now expires shortly. I do not know when I can get a new one, anytime between now and March. I will be offline and frankly, I may not be missed. 

I got my medicine and my phone minutes. But nothing else for my benefit other than a jar of pickles. Love pickles. 

If you are worried about me, I will use wifi to check in if I can. Hard when I don't go anywhere. 

I do not know if I can manage this upset.