Anxiety

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder originally in 2007. It was re-diagnosed in 2012 as generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder.

I have anxiety in no matter what happens. My hands shake, I sweat, heart pounds, tense up, can't breathe.

When I bought this laptop on which I am writing this, I could barely talk, panic making it hard to breathe. I mean, it was Best Buy, not somewhere unfamiliar.

I do not believe I will ever get better. I feel it worse than ever.

My father's death has added a new aspect to it, grief, fear, and hopelessness. It makes it hard to sleep, food doesn't taste right. I can't enjoy Pepsi, even, and it is my favorite cola.

I don't feel so bad the later in the day it is. I have anxiety management. I can talk about this even if it is ugly.

I watch tv, I get up and walk around, I focus breathe, take a hot bath, do the m-thing, anything to reduce panic. Panic attacks can come from anything.

I just got my hair cut. I'll take a picture later. I can do that because I know the hair cutter isn't going to hurt me. It is unpleasant to be touched but that is expected so it doesn't cause panic.

I do not have panic in my hometown so bad, familiarity. Sometimes it happens but not often. What I do have panic in is going to any Walmart. I also have it when going to the doctor.

I can go somewhere unfamiliar and have a full-on panic attack. This is avoidable.

I had a panic attack at my dad's service. I did my best to hide it but I was also weeping and that feeling, unfamiliar to me, makes it more intense.

I will always have grief that my dad is gone. I am growing to accept the loss but it is hard. It is just the lonely space in my heart that will always be a void.

These feelings come and go and when they come, severe grief pain. My anxiety gets involved and it becomes a storm like Katrina.

This has to be addressed so I will be going to the doctor and hopefully can get a new medicine.

I will be Arthelius again but it will take time.